I do like a good Jimmy Stewart film.

   I remember watching old black and white films with Smelly Granny. The gangster ones were our favorite but every so often they'd be a slushy family one we'ed have to watch. Always ending with a tiny girl in a hospital bed, asleep. As her worried parents looked on. Then she'd open her eyes, cured of whatever life threatening element she'd picked up and say "is Lassie ok?". Smelly granny would get up as the credits rolled and say "I do like a good Jimmy Stewart film" regardless of whether he was in it or not, shuffle off to the kitchen and make two cups of tea.
   Why am I telling you this? Well this morning I awoke at 5.49 am got straight up, shuffled off and made a huge cup of tea ( not the usual coffee) and started to type. I'm work free today so there's absolutely no need for me to get up. It's been a long stressy week and I ache a little, even more reason not to get up but here I am. Dressed and full of tea. I'm a bit perplexed but I've suspended any kind of analysis as to why, just like I had to when the the little girl had made the miraculous recovery. Without Doctors or drugs, just a white starched nurse who tucked the sheets in on a perfectly made bed way back in my past.
   It's foggy this morning. Foggy mornings are the best, followed by over night snow mornings. Getting straight up, peering into the mists outside my window and thinking of old black and white films ! I seem to be regressing back into childhood. No doubt tomorrows post will be about how I make my pocket money last.
   Oh and just for reference, my other Granny was Granny Sixpence.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)   

Waking up.

   Waking up isn't as much fun as it used to be and when I say used to be, I'm looking back to when I was a kid. I'm not say that everyday since then has been that way, getting up early and looking into the cot as my daughters lay fast asleep was always a bit special. It just seems that way.
   It doesn't take so long now to push the gloom away and find something positive. It's easier because I'm facing up to the crap. It must be getting on for about six months since I last switched off the phone and pulled the quilt over my head and hid away from the world for the day.
   I don't know how things are going pan out. What I do know is, I'm trying as hard as I can for things to go the way I'd like but things are coming to a head fast.
   Enough of this, let me change the mood slightly. Two blogs I've added to my list are the    http://www.positivityblog.com/ and http://www.thechangeblog.com/ For an old skeptic like me, it isn't easy reading but I'm willing to take a fresh look. It's always nice when the phone pings to let me know an email has arrived and it's an update from one of these sites. There isn't anything radically new but it's easy to read and it goes against the majority of things in life which tend to look at the negative.
   The list of blogs I read is fairly quite at the moment. I hope that's because people are busy doing other things. I'm fighting my corner and I hope you are too. We only have this life, I know we don't have absolute control of it but as a start we can chose to wear a smile instead of a frown.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)
    

A day to myself.

   I cancelled the alarm on my phone last night. As today has been the first I could lay in for a while, not being due somewhere else or staying away from home and under the orders of someone else's morning regime.
   The day's mostly my own. So a chance to do whatever I like. Read some blogs, hopefully add to mine. Go for a wander and catch up on a bit of TV. I've no intention of thinking about work until I wake up tomorrow morning, that said I will have an early night tonight (something I need to do on a regular basis, I do hate having to accept I'm getting old).
   It's a funny time. I'm wading through deeper and deeper shit. It's a mix of bad luck and a huge dollop of bad decisions made on my part. Which shame and a little pride means I'm not going into any detail or expand on that here. The funny thing is I haven't felt this confident and positive over a period of days and weeks as I have done lately.
   There's been a shift in the last few months. Firstly I see my misery in comparison to that of others, people who really are in a bad way with no hope of a turnaround. Makes mine pale in comparison. When I really felt lost, knowing this didn't help and if anything it just made me feel worse, for being so self centered but there was a time for this and now it's past. My thinking is more rational. A feeling that things will improve permeates my conscious hours. I sleep well and even have nice dreams.
   There's lots to do but there's always a lot to do in any life. There's no getting away from the fact that I am in a position to make change. OK it's not going to be brilliant stuff at the moment but no doubt it will be!
   So what's changed ? I'm not exactly sure. As things have become worse, I've had two choices hide or face up to them. Reading and experimenting with different ways and ideas has helped. So it's a mix and will continue to be.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)


   

I want to be .......

   The strong one. I was once but it got lost along the way. I can't say for certain when but I remember feeling "why can't somebody do that for me" so I lost it then. If I want to be the strong one then I need to accept and understand truly what that entails.

   The loving one. I, like most people don't always consider the feelings of those closest. They're always there so they can be taken for granted and am then a little surprised when they don't respond. Those close should be getting the care and attention they need all of the time and not just when I feel in the mood to give it.

   The funny one. Thankfully I'm still that but let it be more so in the future.
 
   So there it is. That's who I want to be. It's not a long list. I need to put the effort in on the first item, I'm getting there with the second and fortunately for me my humour has managed to hang around during the doom and gloom season. There are other things I'd like but I kinda feel if those three are in place the rest will follow.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness and fulfillment :-) 

So what's my role in life?

   What am I unhappy about ? I do know if it was any one thing, job, relationships etc it could be changed. I guess it's something a bit more all encompassing. A frustration with how things have gone and how they are. So what to do?
   Just like most of you. I've done the improved diet, more exercise, personal counselling and a few months worth of pills. All useful but I have a nagging little feeling. It's not a solution.
   I'm starting to think it maybe more to do with not leading the life I'd like to or have the ability to lead. Not fulfilling a role for me or those around me.
   This is only half a post. I'm really busy with work and I've not thought this role thing through properly yet but I wanted to get something down and published.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness and fulfillment :-)
   

Failure and Success.

   How do I react to these two words? firstly just reading them. I'm drawn to failure, that's where I see me. I don't even want to dwell on the word success. Failure seems far more comfortable. I know I can't fall any lower. Success on the other hand seems to require constant effort and at any moment it all might crumble.

   How would I label parts of my life? When did failure or success start to feature? I was a pretty normal kid. Interested in girls, music and clothes. Acne was the only spoiler I can think of and most of us have to deal with that.
   Art College was my first brush with failure I ducked out after the second year, never to return. Jobs came and went. I'd last about two years at most and when things didn't go the way I'd hoped, I was off. I lasted eight or nine years with Harrods but then the place was so big you could transfer around a bit if you were keen to get on or things were getting a bit stagnant . I can honestly say though, that work was never really something that got me down. A bit pissed off, yes maybe but not down.
   My marriage on the other hand did. It soon lost it's shine and there was a constant list (mine)of things to get or do that would make both of us happy and a 'never content' feeling (her), with what we had, compared to our friends. To be honest they didn't have anything special either but my ex would always cherry pick. The A's had a better car, the B's a better kitchen, the C's more holidays. The combination of these two meant we weren't happy and could never really give the other the support that we both needed. Again though I wouldn't say I knew at the back of my mind that I might be suffering from depression. It was more a thing of, being a bit unlucky and not getting the breaks. I did know however that my marriage wasn't a good one. I tried to discuss it several times over the years with her but it was just dismissed. So I made the decision to leave once the girls had finished their educations.
   Once I did leave and the growing enormity of what needed to be done to get to where I wanted to be became clearer the blues really did kick in. Now I felt a failure and if I looked back, most things I'd done seemed failures too.
   Sitting here and writing this out it's becoming apparent that failure hasn't been a huge part of my life. It just feels as if it has been at this moment in time. I guess it feels that way because things seem to have slid slowly downwards and to turn that around appears to be such a mammoth task.
   It's difficult to associate myself with success, it feels uncomfortable but there are successes and have been successes in the past. Long fruitful periods to. It just all seems along time ago. That is, unless I apply myself and think a little. The blogs been a success. I see it there on the screen. It's as if someone else has put my thoughts down on paper. Sometimes they're grown up words and thoughts, occasionally funny. I see tangible evidence of me trying to understand and improve. Particularly as I often write when I'm low. To still have that determination even then is success. Knowing I don't have an answer yet, success. Knowing that it won't all be right in the morning, success. Knowing it's a good place to start though and that first cup of coffee is always the best of the day, is a beginning and worth  my while to stop thinking and make an effort, however small.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

How many times have I typed that ? hundreds and it's still THE goal. It's very achievable. In fact, maybe I'm achieving it right now I just haven't stopped to realize it. Maybe you are too! Am I missing the point ? Success doesn't come after they hang the medal round your neck. They hang the thing there, after you've achieved. I can be such a dummy sometimes :-))))))