Not letting myself surrender to it works short term. So a walk, making myself put stuff away, cooking something, clearing the back log of washing up, a bit of laundry, ironing, I know it's not exactly taxing but as I say it works for a while.
However it's a long term answer I'm after. So the delay in admitting I'm a dick has been spent in some thought. Firstly, the common response from those close is, "you're just depressed." Well no I'm not. Depression covers a huge spectrum and we use it like a "get out of jail free card." So although I'm a dick, I'm not going to hide behind a label. I'm not depressed or suffering from depression. I do/don't do something that over a period of time leads me here and I don't suffer, I think I find some strange comfort in my emptiness. It's those close to me who suffer.
So what is it I do/don't do that leads me here. I thought long and hard about this. Firstly it's internal, it's not someone or something outside that brings it on. I start things and don't have a very organised way of getting them done. I'll easily find something to distract me or if I hit a problem, decide it's best to go round it and come back to it later. I'm also very adapt at making people around me think that the problem is theirs not mine. So lots and lots of starts but not many finishes. It builds and builds then pop, nothingness. That's about it in a nutshell.
Well almost. I'm sure I could delve back into my past and find out where it's origins lay but I'm as old as God so don't have the time or inclination for that. I must not start anything new where possible or something else is truly finished. Chip away at those things already started, in strict order of their importance. There are one or two other things where I should cut my loses and move on. I need to follow a set plan, regardless of how I feel. I have to be the strong parent to my spoilt child.
Enough of me.
Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment )))