Standing alone.

   I'm always surprised what unscripted turns ones life takes. First comes the frustration maybe even a little despair but when I take the obligatory step back....... I see it's really just fate pointing me gently in the right direction. So after a busy working day, driving home with the rest of Greater London in Friday night's rush hour traffic ( named by someone with a well rounded sense of humour). I decided to ring a couple of friends to help the journey pass. I rang five and no replies. I guess they too were navigating their way home but my slightly paranoid twisted thinking at that particular moment, decided they all chose not to pick up.
   With sweet f.a. on the radio and little else to do than stare at the arse end of a Polish truck, I had a bit of time to think this through. I have to be honest and say that I tend to think the worst. That way I'm never disappointed. Well I couldn't have been born that way? At some point I must of started to lean towards thoughts of that nature. I've been working on changing that though and the last week has gone well but back let me get back to those unanswered calls. They didn't answer for any number of reasons and it really would be a waste, spending any more time on that particular subject. Let me instead spend that time recapping. A while ago I said I'd like to be a number of things. Stoic and reliable being two of those. Now to get there, standing on my own two feet and working through the barriers would seem to be the way to go. Well according to fate and it isn't necessarily too painful a solo journey either. I found this, while looking for a picture to add to the page.

   "I realized today that I have no choice but to fulfill my dreams and achieve my goals, failure cannot possibly exist and as such is not an option......simple as that. Problem solved.
   It is a matter of doing, not trying and though the road may be long, it will be traversed if I just keep walking. In my own way at my own pace".

Ps I hope this reads as further evidence of my gaining a better understanding of where I'm at which I believe it to be and not a lament on being on my own.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Today's going to be a great day.

   Well now I have your attention I'll explain. At 54 I've lived more days (and wasted a fair few) than I have left. So now, right now I need to stay focused and put as much quality in to those I have left.
   This isn't new, just a shift. Something that has been coming for a while. I started my blog as an aid to changing my life and moving forwards. It's become the focus point for positive changes in my life. I'm no expert on the subject but that doesn't limit me in expressing how I feel or my opinions. Seeing my words in print is uplifting for me. It's like a friend saying nice things about me or plainly telling me how it is, both good and bad. I've always accepted that my actions and judgement have got me here. So I want to make more, better decisions than bad. I'm lucky, even though we're all in the middle of an economic mess I live somewhere that's cushioned from the worst of it and being self employed means, I can be proactive about work and look for it.
   Way back in the early days of this blog, I wrote that I felt my "problem" stemmed from wiring in my head. Things would go straight to the "doom" department without passing through the "rational" or "balanced" departments. Do we hum tunes we hate or tunes we like? So why do I (did I) only think things will go badly or won't be simple. Think that way and you'll live that way. I am (I did).
   I've managed to change lots of the minutia that fill my day. Now it's time to push on a bit more. So "today's going to be a good day" and believing it, instead of "what will go wrong with today" and letting it happen. The answers to several little questions have arrived recently. A bit like the end of a Sudoku puzzle as all the remaining numbers tumble into place. I'm not saying "job done" just yet but I have some nice new tools in my bag now to deal with things.

Onwards and upwards in pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Surprises.

   As I wade through the various things life throws up for me (and for everyone else). I realise that there are particular moments that I don't handle as well as I could and look to see if there may be a better way to tackle it.
   I've been reading a couple of blogs/sites that deal with the positive. The problem I have though, is they can sometimes over simplify. I get the feeling that sometimes as much as they are selling us their theory's they are trying just as hard to convince themselves that it's that easy but maybe that says more about "skeptical me" than them.
   Last night I found another site and wondered around it, as you do. I came across a book section with reviews. Which, you could either read or listen too. So I listened. Now I'm sure the guy I was listening too, Brian, is a nice fella but his voice had that "I'm cool and together and I'm really here to help you, man" quality about it. So I'm thinking this is going to be a complete waste of time. Not the best frame of mind to be in you'll agree, if your hoping to absorb something useful. Anyway I stuck with it and I'm glad I did.    
   I guess my biggest stumbling block is doing things in their order of importance. When it comes to moving things around to avoid the necessary and concentrate on the unnecessary I have Olympic abilites. It's something I've been toiling with for a while. I've made little inroads into it but haven't found an answer or something that works. So as I listened to Brian and thought of ways to torture him, on the off chance we should one day meet. He started talking about honouring commitments. Now I don't know about you but the thing that makes me feel bad the most, is knowing I've let someone down. Tortured Brian thinks some of us make far too many promises to others. So the inevitable is going to happen and what about the promises you make to yourself ? Now I'm starting to warm to Tortured Brian.He's talking about me.Over recent months I've been addressing my own self-worth. So the idea that I'm not honouring my commitments to me is something new and possibly something that I could use in a positive way in the future.
   And that wasn't the only surprise of the weekend. Fulham won away, which for a Fulham fan is most disconcerting. What will we moan about? We play Chelsea tomorrow night and I think I'm strong enough to cope with another win. Here's hoping.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)



  

Support.

   I had a really nice weekend with MissG but it kind of unravelled on Monday morning. I'm facing a very uncertain future with regard to work and if that goes tits up then everything else will follow. So the realization on Monday as I traveled to work that shes not interested in what I do or how things are going for me kind of took the shine off the weekend.
   Now that's fine, I guess there are plenty of couples out there who have no interest in what their other half does for a living. So I lay no blame on her but I'd like someone who shows an interest and offers a bit of moral support at times. Why ? I can't say but for as long as I can remember I've always been interested in what those close to me have done, shown interest and support and now on reflection understand it's something I'd like to be reciprocated.
  The week is going as expected. A couple of letters from bailiffs and a couple of phone calls with offers of work, that may unfortunately have come too late.
   So what to do? Well take a bit of inspiration from Chris Gardner and keep going. Once I've posted this I have a couple of letters to write to the afore mentioned bailiffs. We have the Easter weekend coming up so a couple of days to play catch up with correspondence. I'm not singing and dancing but neither am I crying and wailing about my lot in life. Things could be worse (I could be a Chelsea supporter). So things are far from awful just a little challenging at the moment :-)

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of  fulfillment and happyness :-)      

I do like a good Jimmy Stewart film.

   I remember watching old black and white films with Smelly Granny. The gangster ones were our favorite but every so often they'd be a slushy family one we'ed have to watch. Always ending with a tiny girl in a hospital bed, asleep. As her worried parents looked on. Then she'd open her eyes, cured of whatever life threatening element she'd picked up and say "is Lassie ok?". Smelly granny would get up as the credits rolled and say "I do like a good Jimmy Stewart film" regardless of whether he was in it or not, shuffle off to the kitchen and make two cups of tea.
   Why am I telling you this? Well this morning I awoke at 5.49 am got straight up, shuffled off and made a huge cup of tea ( not the usual coffee) and started to type. I'm work free today so there's absolutely no need for me to get up. It's been a long stressy week and I ache a little, even more reason not to get up but here I am. Dressed and full of tea. I'm a bit perplexed but I've suspended any kind of analysis as to why, just like I had to when the the little girl had made the miraculous recovery. Without Doctors or drugs, just a white starched nurse who tucked the sheets in on a perfectly made bed way back in my past.
   It's foggy this morning. Foggy mornings are the best, followed by over night snow mornings. Getting straight up, peering into the mists outside my window and thinking of old black and white films ! I seem to be regressing back into childhood. No doubt tomorrows post will be about how I make my pocket money last.
   Oh and just for reference, my other Granny was Granny Sixpence.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)   

Waking up.

   Waking up isn't as much fun as it used to be and when I say used to be, I'm looking back to when I was a kid. I'm not say that everyday since then has been that way, getting up early and looking into the cot as my daughters lay fast asleep was always a bit special. It just seems that way.
   It doesn't take so long now to push the gloom away and find something positive. It's easier because I'm facing up to the crap. It must be getting on for about six months since I last switched off the phone and pulled the quilt over my head and hid away from the world for the day.
   I don't know how things are going pan out. What I do know is, I'm trying as hard as I can for things to go the way I'd like but things are coming to a head fast.
   Enough of this, let me change the mood slightly. Two blogs I've added to my list are the    http://www.positivityblog.com/ and http://www.thechangeblog.com/ For an old skeptic like me, it isn't easy reading but I'm willing to take a fresh look. It's always nice when the phone pings to let me know an email has arrived and it's an update from one of these sites. There isn't anything radically new but it's easy to read and it goes against the majority of things in life which tend to look at the negative.
   The list of blogs I read is fairly quite at the moment. I hope that's because people are busy doing other things. I'm fighting my corner and I hope you are too. We only have this life, I know we don't have absolute control of it but as a start we can chose to wear a smile instead of a frown.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)
    

A day to myself.

   I cancelled the alarm on my phone last night. As today has been the first I could lay in for a while, not being due somewhere else or staying away from home and under the orders of someone else's morning regime.
   The day's mostly my own. So a chance to do whatever I like. Read some blogs, hopefully add to mine. Go for a wander and catch up on a bit of TV. I've no intention of thinking about work until I wake up tomorrow morning, that said I will have an early night tonight (something I need to do on a regular basis, I do hate having to accept I'm getting old).
   It's a funny time. I'm wading through deeper and deeper shit. It's a mix of bad luck and a huge dollop of bad decisions made on my part. Which shame and a little pride means I'm not going into any detail or expand on that here. The funny thing is I haven't felt this confident and positive over a period of days and weeks as I have done lately.
   There's been a shift in the last few months. Firstly I see my misery in comparison to that of others, people who really are in a bad way with no hope of a turnaround. Makes mine pale in comparison. When I really felt lost, knowing this didn't help and if anything it just made me feel worse, for being so self centered but there was a time for this and now it's past. My thinking is more rational. A feeling that things will improve permeates my conscious hours. I sleep well and even have nice dreams.
   There's lots to do but there's always a lot to do in any life. There's no getting away from the fact that I am in a position to make change. OK it's not going to be brilliant stuff at the moment but no doubt it will be!
   So what's changed ? I'm not exactly sure. As things have become worse, I've had two choices hide or face up to them. Reading and experimenting with different ways and ideas has helped. So it's a mix and will continue to be.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)