Fate I guess.

   Work wise things have been a bit grim. So financial shortcuts have been taken. Like not having a proper spare wheel. It's first on the list to sort out when some cash comes in.
   On Tuesday I noticed one of my tyres was a bit flat, so I pumped them all up. Knowing some cash was due into my account I planned to get a spare sorted out on Wednesday. Alas the tyre didn't last that long and gave up on me at 5 o/c on the A3 a few miles from my currant job.
   I know someone, Pat. Who lives not far and they were in and came and picked me and the useless spare up and dropped me off back at my job. It's an empty flat save for my tools and other bits and pieces. So I made the best of it had something to eat and made up a bed of sorts. The following day Pat picked me up I got the tyre changed (£90 ooh that hurt) went back to the van and I'm back on the road.
   So what did my little adventure teach me? Anything life throws at me can be overcome and staying calm and understanding, it's not personal. Makes it just that bit easier. Squeezing as much good stuff out of a bad situation helps too. Get as much insurance as I can and I don't mean the paper kind. I mean the good sense kind.
   All that said, things are still moving in the right direction and lifes still good .

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)   

A brief history .....

   During my little counselling spell, I said I felt bad about being miserable when there were so many people in the world with real problems. Could I do anything about these people? she asked. No. Well just concentrate on you for the moment.
   It helped, I was generating enough guilt closer to home without adding to it. So eighteen  months on I'm finding that I'm spending more time looking out than looking in. Now the balance is better. There are still too many in the World with real crap though.
   I always assumed that the misery thing was something you got over or cured. Accepting that isn't the case and I need to have little strategies to deal with things has been a real release too. Simple little things that stop me careering down the negative thoughts path and step back on to the right route. Keeping my mouth shut more often :-) and not looking too far into the future. Realizing I can only change my own thoughts and behaviour. Not that I'm into making people do what I want but wondering why others do what they do isn't the best use of time is it.
   Enough of the belly button gazing. Works going well and is becoming enjoyable again. I'm lucky enough to be working in an empty flat, so get to cook a proper meal for lunch. Now all I need to do is add a bit of exercise to the pot.
   I'm dog sitting, at the moment. Which I thought would be a good idea as it would mean long walks etc but all it wants to do is sniff. So walkies is really standies whilst she sniffs the trails left by previous dogs. I'm glad my nose isn't as sensitive as her's as a trip to the Supermarket would be a nightmare. I'd like a dog of my own one day. Although something bigger than this one, with a recognizable breed and fur that doesn't resemble a pipe cleaner.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)     

Better off than most.

   I love house building programs. You know the ones. Where a couple buy a derelict electricity sub station half way up a Welsh mountain and plan to turn it into the latest "des res" with a kitchen bigger than the deli department at Waitrose and a flat screen TV that would put your local Odeon to shame.
  So I tuned into the second series of "The Restoration Man" to watch a mid thirties couple, restore an old windmill. In fact the "windmill" was really only a tall tube of bricks. The top had been blow of in a storm way back in 19 0 something and it had just become an old ruin. Their plan was to build a new house and link it to the restored windmill with a glass corridor. Right at the outset we knew Nikki Fagg had had and beaten cancer and was the driving force behind the project. So on a wet and muddy day (why is it always a wet and muddy day) the project starts and as always the budget comes under the spotlight. Will it be enough, will the bank keep the funding going and save the project from disaster.
   Well that's the usual route but this time things are different. Standing outside the frame of the new house Pete Fagg tells George (The Restoration Man) that Nikki is again unwell. The cancer has returned and she has a year to live. They both stand there in tears and I'm on the sofa blubbering too. For the next 45 minutes everybody is working like crazy to get the sails back on the windmill before it's too late. They managed it and they finished part of the house too before the cancer ended Nikki's life. George goes back to the house when it's finished and is shown around by Pete. It's absolutely stunning and as Pete and George go around the house and windmill you can't help but realize that there's something, someone, missing from what should be a wonderful time in someones life.
   Television comes in for some rightful condemnation at times, for the tripe it turns out. Occasionally it comes up with something that makes you realize how lucky you really are compared to others and what can be achieved when you set your mind to it, even when your up against such terrible odds

In memory of Nikki Fagg (1979-2011)        

Still learning......

   I could use this title for all my posts, I guess. Half of me hates having to admit I'm still learning and still making mistakes the other half accepts on balance it's a good thing. The old ego isn't beyond help just yet.
   I haven't posted for a while (two weeks). I've been busy with work, or more importantly, getting busy with work. Work, good work, done properly and efficiently will lead me out of the doldrums.
  So that's what's been filling my days. To be honest It's not always good or efficient but it's getting that way. So currently plenty of hope and a positive vibe in "Spanner World".
   It's getting on for just over two years since I started to write down just how I felt and I've been really lucky. I've either bumped into people (in a manor of speaking ) who have made me look at things from a different perspective or my ham fisted ramblings have unknowingly stumbled onto something.
   On the outside things appear much the same but inside it's a very different me. A greater self-worth and the knowledge that I'm only responsible for my own thoughts and actions are towards the top of the list but the most important is the knowledge that I do have the power to turn things around if I really want to and that has started to happen. Living in despair and self pity is comfortable and safe but you do develop the smelly wiff of woe about you.
   I'm not saying for a minute that I'm cured. That would be foolish, as it's not a cure thing. It's more, a better understanding of who I am and how best to harness the good and the not so good aspects. So still lots to do but I think the darkness is well and truly past.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)


 
        

Standing alone.

   I'm always surprised what unscripted turns ones life takes. First comes the frustration maybe even a little despair but when I take the obligatory step back....... I see it's really just fate pointing me gently in the right direction. So after a busy working day, driving home with the rest of Greater London in Friday night's rush hour traffic ( named by someone with a well rounded sense of humour). I decided to ring a couple of friends to help the journey pass. I rang five and no replies. I guess they too were navigating their way home but my slightly paranoid twisted thinking at that particular moment, decided they all chose not to pick up.
   With sweet f.a. on the radio and little else to do than stare at the arse end of a Polish truck, I had a bit of time to think this through. I have to be honest and say that I tend to think the worst. That way I'm never disappointed. Well I couldn't have been born that way? At some point I must of started to lean towards thoughts of that nature. I've been working on changing that though and the last week has gone well but back let me get back to those unanswered calls. They didn't answer for any number of reasons and it really would be a waste, spending any more time on that particular subject. Let me instead spend that time recapping. A while ago I said I'd like to be a number of things. Stoic and reliable being two of those. Now to get there, standing on my own two feet and working through the barriers would seem to be the way to go. Well according to fate and it isn't necessarily too painful a solo journey either. I found this, while looking for a picture to add to the page.

   "I realized today that I have no choice but to fulfill my dreams and achieve my goals, failure cannot possibly exist and as such is not an option......simple as that. Problem solved.
   It is a matter of doing, not trying and though the road may be long, it will be traversed if I just keep walking. In my own way at my own pace".

Ps I hope this reads as further evidence of my gaining a better understanding of where I'm at which I believe it to be and not a lament on being on my own.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Today's going to be a great day.

   Well now I have your attention I'll explain. At 54 I've lived more days (and wasted a fair few) than I have left. So now, right now I need to stay focused and put as much quality in to those I have left.
   This isn't new, just a shift. Something that has been coming for a while. I started my blog as an aid to changing my life and moving forwards. It's become the focus point for positive changes in my life. I'm no expert on the subject but that doesn't limit me in expressing how I feel or my opinions. Seeing my words in print is uplifting for me. It's like a friend saying nice things about me or plainly telling me how it is, both good and bad. I've always accepted that my actions and judgement have got me here. So I want to make more, better decisions than bad. I'm lucky, even though we're all in the middle of an economic mess I live somewhere that's cushioned from the worst of it and being self employed means, I can be proactive about work and look for it.
   Way back in the early days of this blog, I wrote that I felt my "problem" stemmed from wiring in my head. Things would go straight to the "doom" department without passing through the "rational" or "balanced" departments. Do we hum tunes we hate or tunes we like? So why do I (did I) only think things will go badly or won't be simple. Think that way and you'll live that way. I am (I did).
   I've managed to change lots of the minutia that fill my day. Now it's time to push on a bit more. So "today's going to be a good day" and believing it, instead of "what will go wrong with today" and letting it happen. The answers to several little questions have arrived recently. A bit like the end of a Sudoku puzzle as all the remaining numbers tumble into place. I'm not saying "job done" just yet but I have some nice new tools in my bag now to deal with things.

Onwards and upwards in pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Surprises.

   As I wade through the various things life throws up for me (and for everyone else). I realise that there are particular moments that I don't handle as well as I could and look to see if there may be a better way to tackle it.
   I've been reading a couple of blogs/sites that deal with the positive. The problem I have though, is they can sometimes over simplify. I get the feeling that sometimes as much as they are selling us their theory's they are trying just as hard to convince themselves that it's that easy but maybe that says more about "skeptical me" than them.
   Last night I found another site and wondered around it, as you do. I came across a book section with reviews. Which, you could either read or listen too. So I listened. Now I'm sure the guy I was listening too, Brian, is a nice fella but his voice had that "I'm cool and together and I'm really here to help you, man" quality about it. So I'm thinking this is going to be a complete waste of time. Not the best frame of mind to be in you'll agree, if your hoping to absorb something useful. Anyway I stuck with it and I'm glad I did.    
   I guess my biggest stumbling block is doing things in their order of importance. When it comes to moving things around to avoid the necessary and concentrate on the unnecessary I have Olympic abilites. It's something I've been toiling with for a while. I've made little inroads into it but haven't found an answer or something that works. So as I listened to Brian and thought of ways to torture him, on the off chance we should one day meet. He started talking about honouring commitments. Now I don't know about you but the thing that makes me feel bad the most, is knowing I've let someone down. Tortured Brian thinks some of us make far too many promises to others. So the inevitable is going to happen and what about the promises you make to yourself ? Now I'm starting to warm to Tortured Brian.He's talking about me.Over recent months I've been addressing my own self-worth. So the idea that I'm not honouring my commitments to me is something new and possibly something that I could use in a positive way in the future.
   And that wasn't the only surprise of the weekend. Fulham won away, which for a Fulham fan is most disconcerting. What will we moan about? We play Chelsea tomorrow night and I think I'm strong enough to cope with another win. Here's hoping.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)