Moving on.......

(Wed)   Today in around 12 hours the deals will be done. We (Mrs ex and I) will no longer jointly own a home but instead each own something smaller and with a hundred miles between us. It's both a sad and a happy time. We have both been wrapping and packing side by side.
"Do you want this?"
"Yes please/no thanks/you have it."
We've been cordial and friendly since we split but it's very tough being so considered and considerate, with each other over who has this and who has that. Moving away from the house that was our family home for almost 25 years is tough, tougher when you know she feels the same. Both girls are acting a little strange. No1 daughter is finding lots of reasons to stay late at work. It's not to get out of doing her share of the packing. She just doesn't want to see the only home she has every know slowly disappear. No2 is very quite and is keeping herself to herself. I think it's best to let them work through this in their own time and way. I remember, as a 14 year old being very upset when we moved. I left my school and friends and the places I'd grown up in. So I know a little about how they feel.
(Thurs)   We finished moving Mrs X into her new home by about 7 last night and dashed back and loaded most of my remaining rubbish onto the van. It was too late for me to get down to deepest Kent, so I stayed with friends who live about 20 miles from my new home overnight. I've emptied the van and am about to drive back and pick up the last bits and a massive chest of drawers I brought at Auction (more about that at a later date).
(Sat)   I have an old van, which I plan to keep, for several reasons. The most important is the fact that the van has shared my toughest times. So it's important to me that it shares the better times. I know that sounds a little weird. It's a big lump of metal and rust with no heart or brain but as I used to drive it around, it was where my thoughts and dreams on how my future might be were hatched. It's not the most comfortable or reliable at present so I've budgeted to buy a second hand car. I'll tax and insure it for six months. If it's affordable to run both, then I will. If not then one of them will have to go. This morning I'm off to see a car I've had my eye on for a while.

   It's Monday now and here I am to summarise. I did buy the car, it's not the most sensible of buys for a number of reasons but it's great fun to drive. I went on a day trip to France yesterday with a friend. She had booked the trip a while back so I decided to join her. I brought a few bottles of wine, a few Christmas presents, some food, Christmas baubles for my first Christmas tree and big socks.
   I'm feeling a little guilty. I'm buying things and enjoying myself before I've earned it. I'll have a ponder on that over the next few days as I start to put things together.
   I have a few phone calls to make then I'm going to put my tree up and straighten things up a bit.

Onwards and upwards in search of fulfilment and Santa Claus :-)        
 

critics and criticism

    Once upon a time, I would jot down my thoughts and feelings almost daily. Now it's more random. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. On one hand, posts are a bit more focused on the other it's all a bit edited. The truth of the moment is lost, be it good or bad.
   So what have I got to say for myself today? Well it's to do with criticism. If you're reading this chances are, you spend a fair bit of time working through self-criticism and you know the effect that can have on a life and those of others. I still have that little voice chirping away when things are not as I'd like. I'm working on that.
   I was about to type, I'm more forgiving. Which would be wrong, for me anyway. No, I'm more honest with myself now. There are times when for one reason or another I'm not going to be able to do something. So I let it go or rearrange. That in itself is worthy of note but what is more important is how I view others. Up until sometime recently, I was quietly critical of other's but somewhere along the way it's disappeared. Others can behave the way they do. I have no idea how their lives are going or how that's affecting them. If their behaviour really grates then I can choose to move on or away.
   What really surprises me is how I now behave towards others. I think in the past my critical radar would be switched on long before I was. If I came into contact with someone maybe not at their best I'd adjust accordingly. Now I find with the radar off people are far more affable.
   It's another little sign that I look outwards more and not so inwards now than in the past. There's still things to face and work on but I'll take a small victory on the road to something more fulfiling.
   Talking of the road to something more fulfilling.I'm eight days away from the big move. We are all packing and deciding who gets what or who would like what. No arguments and agreement that if something really is missed in the future, we'll take another look at it then.. The picture is the view at the end of my new road. In a couple of weeks I shall bore you with pictures of my own.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment :-)))