Monday, 24 May 2010

Days 43&44

Apart from the week when I started this blog. This has to be the most important week to date. It was a week where things came to the surface and rescued me just at the right moment. I have to say like the little voice that popped into my head and said "be strong" I've no idea where from or why these things arrived! but I'm really glad they did.
I suppose I've been putting in the basic framework to build a healthier and happier life. It just seemed to have start up on it's own (maybe it knew I needed it's help).
As previously mentioned I'm beginning to look at things in a very positive way. I'm finding my humour and the regular visits to the gym are turning me into a chiseled hunk (haha, if only). The humour thing is turning from black to a more balanced light hearted banter that includes people and isn't so inward looking. In fact it's the change from only looking inwards to looking outwards at the rest of the World that seems to be a sign of recovery (not the word I'd choose but it's good enough).
Hopefully this new mood will stay with me for the coming weeks. Because all the crap and rubbish that brought me down is still there. I might have broken it up and shifted it round but it's there and needs putting away permanently.
Onwards and upwards people :-)

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Day 42

Following on from yesterday I'm still finding positives in the negatives and warming to the challenge. To be honest I haven't even scratched the surface of getting away from the gloom but I'm beginning to feel and know I can take it on and get on with life love and happiness.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Friday, 21 May 2010

Day 41

Got some really bad news yesterday but the surprising thing was I went straight into rescue mode flagged the positives wrapped up in all the horrible stuff and we all came out of the moment feeling better than when we went in. Forty one days later I'm beginning to find a person in me I like. It's way too early to say I've found my cure but I've learned alot about myself though writing all this stuff down.
Onwards and upwards people :-)

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Day 40

Day forty and I'm still here typing away. Hoping the Angels are just around the corner waiting to offer me nourishment. Just like they did for Jesus, when he finished his forty day stint resisting the Devil.
Actually it's not been a bad day. The positive thoughts thing I mentioned yesterday is kicking in a bit. I'm not just thinking it's a nice day (it was) but starting to think big major ideas for the future, which fill your head with plans. Keeps you occupied for hours.
Looks like I'm going to get the chance to drive the bus and not be one of it's passengers being taken who knows where.
Onwards and upwards people :-)

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Day 39

I'm at a bit of a lose as to what to right today. A bit of positive thinking is creeping in to my thoughts. If I'm not careful I'll be telling young mothers what beautiful babies they have and letting pensioners push in front of me in the Post Office.
I've been drinking water like a fish today, no doubt I'll spend most of the next few hours trotting back and forth to the loo.
Another 40 minutes spent down the gym tonight. I'm getting some funny looks there. So I suppose I better start using the equipment before they ban me.
Onwards and upwards people :-)

Day 38

Sorry this is a few hours late but "on call" yesterday and that really throws me out of whack for a couple of days. Something very interesting happened yesterday (well it did for me anyway). The pattern from the weekend feeling ok then a bit of a slide, repeated itself today (Monday). The difference was a little voice inside me said "be strong" where did that come from? I'm hoping this may expand and my little voice might start giving me horse-racing tips and winning lottery ticket numbers. A bit of humour at last. Well you deserve something if you've managed to stick with my ramblings on "to do" lists over the last month.
I'll make an extra special effort to try and include some humour in future posts.
Onwards and upwards everyone :-)

Monday, 17 May 2010

Days 36&37

Well not much to add for this weekend. The periods I've kept busy have been the most settled but as soon as I stop the darkness slides towards me. Still as already mentioned in yesterdays post, things are shaping up into something that should show some positive signs in the near future.
O&U :-)

Friday, 14 May 2010

Day 35

Well an interesting few days away from home. A chance to reflect (from a distance) about the last six weeks.
Writing this blog has probably been the best thing I've ever done in an effort to beat this. Being able to look back though my previous posts helps me focus an see the wood from the trees.
Lists work really well but I need to get these into a much better format to include day, week, month, year, years etc.
I need to clear the clutter away too. I don't just mean the pile of trainers in the corner but all those little piles of metaphorical rubbish we gather along the way and just continue to carry around. All the time adding to the weight of responsibilities we all carry.
Help and advice. I've been lucky these last few days. Being with someone who had a terrible bout of severe depression several years ago who was willing to listen to me without going into their own long history, which as you know is the last thing you want to hear when you're down. Selfish yes but true I'm afraid.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Day 28

Another rollercoaster day more bad news piled onto more bad news. Each time I try and move on some more sh!t drops from the sky.
I'm off to watch Fulham in the Europa Final in a couple of hours. A few days away may do me some good. I must have reached the bottom by now. I'm not ill, starving, persecuted or abused so I've no right to feel sorry for myself, which I don't it's just this continual thought that nothing will ever get better ever............

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Days 26&27

Well I've missed a few days. I'd like to say it's because things are going well and I've been busy. Truth is I've never felt so low, absolutely rock bottom. No one to talk to, no straws to clutch at, no future worth looking towards and literally a heavy heart.
Oddly enough the only faint positive is seeing these words appear on the screen. A bit like reading a puzzle and then trying to solve it.
1. Talk to someone? there is nobody I want to talk to. I suppose there are a few friends who would listen and offer some advice but I don't want to burden them with my woes. I don't want to admit to anyone how I feel, I don't want to appear weak.
2. Straws? usually there's something there to build on. If not a straw then a small crumb of hope but not today. Nothing.
3. The Future? god that looks bleak. It's all littered with my unfinished projects staring at me like starving children blocking out any light that might be gathering on the horizon.

So nothing there, that will help me in the short term from the first two. Maybe picking up and finishing something from the third? well it will keep me busy, take my mind off things. I could have the radio on in the background. It would be a start. More importantly it would be me doing it. Picking myself up and moving (maybe swaying would be a better word) forward. Forward, a positive word at last, is that the sun beginning to shin outside, can I here birds singing in the trees? well not quite but a little humour creeping in, it's a start.
It's just occurred to me that my life is a bit like a game of snakes and ladders, you go up a few rungs and get a brief glimpse of the future. Then you land on a snake and you're worse off than you were before. Now there lies another small positive. I don't remember ever not finishing a game of snakes and ladders :-)
Onwards and upwards.
Ok I'm keeping busy, I've also filled a large glass with water. Every time I start to feel a little blue I take a sip. I might well be a depressive but I'm going to have lovely clear radiant skin. So I've found an upside to my downside ha ha.

Friday, 7 May 2010

Day 23

Well, not much to add to yesterdays blog. Overall I'm feeling pretty upbeat but things are a little fragile. Support, which I haven't had before, partly because I didn't open up to people about suffering from depression and the right kind of people weren't there before, is fast becoming an important part of the march forward. As is a strong structure to my days and weeks, something which I've let slip recently.
Onwards and upwards everyone :-)

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Day 22

Today has been a very uplifting day. Nothing to do with lists, health supplements etc. Just a show of support from an old friend has lifted my spirits 100%.
Again I've surprised myself with the twists and turns my moods can take. Firstly as already stated, I spent an hour on MSN with an old friend. Then a phone call with a job offer, all be it a small one it's a job. Have sent my feelings of well being soaring.
So, as well as lists etc I'm going to have to factor in positive support as an ingredient to beating this.
O&U's :-)

Monday, 3 May 2010

Days 19,20&21

Well it's been an up and down Bank Holiday Weekend. My mood tends to dip during the evenings and is low first thing but picks up through the day. So how to boost things in the evening? Going to the gym occupies my time. Instead of watching TV I'll switch to some reading and maybe get a few early nights. The other thing I must do is drink more water. I know it's a bit random but lets be fair it ain't going to do me any harm.
I have to admit I thought things would really be moving upwards by now. I'm not saying things aren't getting better. The writing helps, the fact something is written down and tangible makes it simpler to see but there are still the feelings of despair and loneliness.
However we are not going to end the weekend on a downer. I'm off for a read and a glass of water.
O&U :-)