Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Day 83, "Move on up"

Do any of you remember "Move on up" by Curtis Mayfield. It was playing on my ipod last night, as I tried to shift the pounds off my fat arse. Anyway what a nice piece of inspirational work that is!
I'm going to have to move that along with some other stuff onto a new play-list to get me going whenever the dreaded darkness starts to hover nearby.
Haven't had much chance to try out the smiling yet so early days there. Will try and earn some money tomorrow to kick start that part of my life.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Day 82. The green eyed monster.

Seems like everyday recently I've had to face up to another fact about my self. Some are good some not so good. Today it's jealousy and its dance partner insecurity. Got a severe pang of it while on the phone to someone and realised this is ever present at the moment. So a quick google and I've already found out, my jealousy is unfounded hence I have a big wedge of insecurity to deal with. Now it probably occurred to you ages ago but it's just dawning on me that my depression would appear to be several unrelated issues that orbit me 24/7 and very occasionally collide, like a bad storm and leave me in the dark place. So my self worth sticker has "final reduction" written right across it. A revaluation is called for. I'm going to tackle this two ways. First the amount of money I earn. At this moment in time I do need to up the income for several reasons that will become apparent in the coming days and weeks. The second is slightly more off the wall. Smiling. I'm going to smile at people and see how many smiles I get back. At the very least I'm sure I'll probably improve my smile with the practice. If it catches on I might have to devise a scoring system. Women I guess would return a smile more so than a man and getting a smile out of a kid with all the social taboos we have in this day and age would be a minor miracle. I'll let you know how things progress.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Monday, 28 June 2010

Day 81 I'm fine?

Good morning cyberspace, I've been to collect my results and everything's ok. Except the cholesterol is a bit high. So my blues don't seem to be caused by any lack of some vital chemical. What a bummer. It's enough to make me depressed, if I wasn't already ;-).
So what to do? Well the blog is working. It's highlighted a pattern of behaviour and is a fun thing to do anyway. I do think I need to like myself alot more, I have to say that I've never been that impressed with me. When the evidence would point to the fact that I have got one or two good points. I might ask myself out on a date, candle lite dinners and big bunches of flowers. I'm getting goose bumps already.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Days 79&80 rolling with the punches.

Yesterday started well. Unfortunately it went steadily downhill as it progressed. None of which was my doing. Someone close let themselves down and messed the day up for both of us. No doubt I'll get an email later say it was in fact my fault (which it wasn't. To be fair they has a pretty serious problem so it's not entirely something they can control).
As much as I love the person involved, we've reached a point where some serious and final decisions need to be made. Now several weeks, even days ago I would have been all over the place and totally unable to make any kind of rational decision but now I seem to have a growing strength to back me up.
Well well that bit of strength certainly helped me out. I made a tough decision and was prepared to walk away but it looks as if that won't be necessary now. There's a long way to go but I'm convinced it's right for me.
There's the beginning of an inner strength growing away deep down in my soul. Do you remember Weebles? and "Weebles Wobble but they don't fall down!" well I'm beginning to feel like that now. Able to take the knocks but bounce straight back.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Friday, 25 June 2010

Day 78 Things starting to pick up some pace.

Sorry, five days and no posts. I'm getting a thicker skin, which helps deflect the little niggles. That would have once knocked me back previously. So a bit of self belief and a chunk of selfishness creeping in as well. Not sure I'm too keen on the latter but I think it's something that comes with the territory at the moment.
Blood test results due Monday morning. Should be interesting. There were a couple of other things that were discussed at the time. So some follow up on that should be interesting.
Anyway for now I'll wish all my phantom friends a good day. Onwards and upwards :-)

Monday, 21 June 2010

Day 73 so far so good!

Well I'm up fed and ready for work. So a positive start. I'll add more later, till then my phantom friends I wish you all a good day.
Not a bad day nearly finished this job. As I stayed busy not much time to be a miserable git but my mind did wander a bit. As already mentioned I'm hoping this goes the same way as the gym. Keep plugging away and things start to improve.

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Days 71&72 The weekend supplement.

This weekend, I'm going to record the ups and downs in a bit more detail. I'm also doing some searching on the net and will read through all the previous stuff to maybe highlight what's going on.
Not a great start to the day. Up, dressed and fed but little else. I'm supposed to be going to a job with a leaking loo, something I fitted a while ago. And there may lie my problem. As you know the gym is proving to be a bit of a magnet at the moment due to the fact that I'm beginning to see the results. Where as work isn't showing any positive results. So lack of interest followed by lack of earnings etc etc. I need to brake that cycle don't I. OK I'll finish this coffee and go and sort this then come back and list whats left to do and work through that first and let the gym thing work its magic on the work thing.

Friday, 18 June 2010

Day 70 I'd like to be happy now. Please.

Well, I managed to get up fairly early and be at work by 8:15. Work does help keep your mind off the dark things but they are lurking there in the back ground. Things are made more difficult because of the what's going on around me. My love life or lack of one is all consuming at the moment. I'm close to someone but not as close as I'd like to be and I think she's of the same opinion but we both have a couple of issues we need to get out of the way first. Once that's sorted I just want to spend a week holding and being held by her, nothing more than that. The warmth and security of a long hug is the one thing I want more than anything else. More than money, more than World peace, more than anything else. Just a hug.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Day 69, bad morning but a better afternoon.

I'm finding getting up becoming a problem again. Once up things didn't improve much. I could easily have rolled up into a ball and gone back to sleep. It wasn't until lunchtime that I began to feel ok. This evening has been better. I'm not sure whether or not I feel shit all the time and have the odd few happy hours or I'm ok most of the time and have crap mornings, days, weekends etc.
Onwards and upwards phantom friends :-)

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Day 68

Apologies for the lack of posts but have now got the new laptop up and running. So my aimless twaddle is set to continue.
In about an hour, I'm off for the blood tests and in about an hour and five minutes I'll be stuffing my face.
The last few days have gone reasonable well. Overall I'm feeling pretty upbeat but there are some very difficult times ahead. With some difficult personal issues to overcome in the next few weeks and months. So I need to be on top form in all departments to be able to deal with it all.
I'm finding it pretty easy now to go to the gym. Rarely do I find excuses not to go and even if I think I'll just do twenty minutes I find I'll do more once I'm there.
My diet is improving as well. I'm avoiding the rubbish and not only eating the good stuff but enjoying it as well. So there is tangible evidence of my improvement.
Well until next time my phantom friends onwards and upwards :-)

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Day 63 Breakdowns and heartache

The good news is the breakdown was suffered by my ageing laptop. Unfortunately the heartache is all mine but more of that later.
Because the laptop gave up I've been forced upstairs, to our little office space and the equally ancient computer that sits there covered in dust between the printer/fax and the wireless router. It's all a bit of a mess up here, a bit like me. So maybe I need to spend my weekend tidying up. As it's another weekend on call I can't really do much else.
So once again fate seems to be putting things in front of me, hoping this time the light in my head will switch on and a minor eureka moment will take place.
So you've managed to read on up to here. So I guess you're only really interested in the heartache. Well I'm in a newish relationship with someone I knew many years ago. Unfortunately their previous entanglements were not easy going. Whilst mine produced two great kids it has been a pretty passionless affair. So we're both coming out of unhappy periods and I guess i thought it would be good to have someone along for the ride as I get through things. I can almost hear you screaming at your screens, not a good idea um. Well your right, it's already drifting into a semi tit for tat pairing. So we've taken a step back till we are both more stable and able to act like adults.
Do you like the new background better than the old inky blue? plus there's a faint map thing going on. Maybe a metaphor for the future haha.
Onwards and upwards my phantom readers :-)

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Day 62, a visit to the Doctors.

Well 62 days into this and whilst there have been some surprise and positive moments. I'm still, to be frank wading about in a pool of despair most of the in the shallow end but I do slip up now and then.
So booked an appointment with my Doctor. I told him how I had been feeling and the steps I'd taken to try and combat this. He gave me a short questionnaire to fill in and booked me in for a number of blood tests. I'll let you know what comes up in the results.
I was happy he felt I was tackling the problem in a logical and sensible way. Because the appointment was early, 7o/c. I was working by 7:30 and finished the day just after 6. As much as I hate to admit it long working days coupled with all the other stuff I've bored you rigid with over the last couple of months seem to be the way forward.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Day 59. Same old same old.

Well so much for a quite night. Three calls spread between midnight and four meant I didn't get much sleep but I did see the sun come up over Notting Hill. Overall the day went well. Booked in some lucrative work for next week. However my personal feelings are all over the place. To my credit I managed to keep the needy me in the background and projected a happy go lucky attitude. It didn't help my partner she is in a worse state than me. Still came away with the feeling that overall I handled myself pretty well and by concentrating on my partner I learned that she is as insecure as I am. So in light of this I'll make sure I make all the right noises next time we meet. Now I wouldn't have been able to do this a week ago.
Onwards and upwards my phantom buddies.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Days 57&58 Weekends on call suck.

It's my weekend on call and I don't know why but they feck up my plans ever time. On the face of it they should be idea for me to work through all the rubbish I need to. Some how it doesn't play out that way. Whilst I earned good money for some easy work all the hours in-between seemed to get wasted. Now I'm back where I started a busy week and nothing sorted out over the weekend.
There's no point in wallowing in this. I'm off to bed, hopefully no calls in the night. An early start and lets see what we can achieve.
Sleep well my phantom chums. Onwards and upwards :-)

Friday, 4 June 2010

Day 56. Vice visa?

Am I feeling so bad because of the decisions and actions I've taken or have my decisions and actions been effected because of my underlying moods? discuss!
I would hazard a guess that the two are linked but not in anyway I could ever understand or be able to explain. The fact I've had the thought, would suggest I'm on the way out of this constant round of feeling up and down for no apparent reason.
Yesterday didn't go as it should have and I'll need to work very hard today to mend a few bridges that whilst they haven't fallen down do have a couple of large cracks in. Today I'm going to spend a bit of time thinking about my motivation (or lack of it). I have to say it's probably the one area where I might need some outside help.
I hope your phantom days go well my phantom friends. Onwards and upwards :-)

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Day 55, a bit of inspiration needed!

"Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, `Grow, grow.'"
~ The Talmud
There you go, a few inspiring words to kick the day off. Now you'll have to wade through my dirge (no one said this would be easy). I've extended the title. Day elevntyfour was beginning to sound a bit boring, so I've added a few words to give a feel of what's coming. If you ever read "That's it I can't go on", I suggest those of you with a weak constitution close the tab and goggle pictures of frolicking lambs or puppies why spoil your day.
I have a "to-do" list ready and waiting, porridge in the microwave and a mug of coffee here keeping me company while I edit this ready for you to digest. I've gone back to a previous post where I mentioned all the clutter you gather around you. Then I proclaimed how I needed to clear all of the out. Suffice to say I didn't and I need to, so that's this evening taken care of with a little time out to visit the gym. As previously mentioned the gym visits are a success but I failed to weigh myself at the beginning. Which was a major error as we all need tangible evidence of how things are changing for us. So after a quick weigh-in (I'm 15 and a half stone) my target is downwards to a level where I'm happy and fit.
I think that's enough for today. Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Day 54

Well I suppose it's back to basics. Have kept up with my visits to the gym and things are improving on that front. Lost abit of weight and I can see muscles slowly appearing so that's a positive.
Will need to get back to doing my lists and typing a few lines here everyday. I thought that coming out of the initial dark place was going to be the difficult bit but it's beginning to dawn on me that this period of slow (but important) rebuilding is going to be the tough part.
I have to be honest and say I really don't fancy it or think I can do it but what's the alternative. Keep going through these cycles of gloom, keep living this unhappy life. Just by writing this stuff down I can feel this little light deep down in my stomach that is flying around and trying to muster up a bit of support. Maybe I have one good fight left in me. One bit of self respect that won't allow my self-pity to flatten things.
Onwards and upwards phantom readers today we start the next bit of the journey :-)

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Days 50&51

Apologies for no posts this week but things are pretty unsettled at the moment. Whilst my general mood is pretty level my emotions are all over the place at the moment. I'm kind of involved with someone who's in a worse state than me. Initially I thought the caring and looking after them was helping me fact was you're just superimposing your problems on them. Good thing is I spotted it for myself and realised my depression was/is fuelled by the lack of love in my life. Again something I never realised I needed as much as I so obviously do. Not just love from others but the fact I don't really love myself either. So I'll need to sort that first.
The big frustration at the moment is everything is so far away. I cannot see anything changing or improving in the short term and that's pretty depressing.