Tuesday, 25 December 2012

It's a wonderful life.

   Is on over the holidays and along with the Queens speech, turkey and mince pies, leaves you in no doubt that Christmas has finally arrived.
   The year is ending really well and it's the oddest thing that has made the difference. I've finally finished reading my unenjoyable but thought provoking book. Towards the end came the following lines "The Oceans ebb and flow for You. The birds sing for You. The Sun rises and sets for you. The stars come out for You." It's very close to a bad chat up line, isn't it? but the next day when I woke, I continued the sentiment. The birds were indeed singing (for me) the coffee jar was there in the cupboard and the kettle was boiling for me. There was a seat on the train, next to a very nice smelling lady and a rather annoying child. All for me!
   It really changed my day and has continued. Even when things don't go to plan or would be thought negative, the mere fact that it's happened for me and only me. Seems to change it into something easily accepted and promptly dismissable if needed to be.
   My last bit of work before Christmas was Sunday morning. A kitchen tap change, for a customer I haven't seen for just over a year. Since then he and his wife have separated and divorced. The company he works for is having financial difficulties and to topall this, he was burgled on Friday. He described his year as "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." You see what a good education can give you. The chance to quote Dickens when life's crap. How I felt for him and applauded his positive stance. I feel my year is ending the same as his :-)

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness.  Merry Christmas xxx          

Monday, 17 December 2012

Around this time of year ...............

   Things come into sharp focus. It's almost the end of another year and Christmas is upon us. Everyone seems to have or be catching a cold too. It's that time of year when, if you haven't taken proper precautions you could get a bad dose of the blues too.
   It's been over two and a half years since I started my blog and I'm not sure anything has changed. I know far more now than I did but am I anywhere nearer a better life?
   Tonight's not the night to answer that question. One thing I have picked up along the way (thank you Mystic Customer)  is, if you want meaningful answers and solutions only deal with difficult questions when you're in the right place, mentally and physically.
   So maybe I'm closer than I thought !

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)  

Monday, 3 December 2012

More on "updates" ......

   I kind of touched on how things were going generally in the last couple of posts but as this is more a diary for me than a read for you, I need to list a few things for future reference.
   MissG and I split about ten weeks ago. I've been coming to the conclusion that I'm just her weekend boyfriend. For me she's more than that but it's getting on for a couple of years now and to be honest I couldn't see much changing in the future. I bumped into her the other day, (she also sends me the odd text too) and she said she missed me (I miss her too) but she doesn't know what she wants. I can understand that but I'm not willing to hang around. I hope that doesn't sound harsh but I'm kind of getting to like who I am and I want the best for him :-). I told a close friend I missed her and he said well you made more of an effort than she did and you deserved more. Just the kind of thing you need to hear from a friend when you're a bit down. I have to say for 99% of the time it was blinding (really good) and I doubt I'll meet someone like her again. I'm a better person now, in part for being with her, than I was. So it's been good. It's just a shame that relationships don't end like a bowl of ice cream does, all happy and content.
   I'm spending more time with my daughters lately and am enjoying their development as adults. Albeit sometimes from afar.
   Work, or more precisely getting through it quickly and efficiently still remains my big failing and because it pays for everything, causes all else to unravel. So more effort required there. I have to say it's the simple stuff I fail on. Go to bed too late. Don't plan and drift off the point. What a plank !!!!!!
   Overall though I have a lot to be thankful for and positive about. I've been reading a book call "The Secret", I guess most of you have heard about it. On a very simplistic level, it's about wishing for things and if you do it right those things come to you. I have a bit of a problem with that per-se but the book has made me think a lot. It's the first time in memory that I've found a book really helpful whilst not enjoying it or fully embracing it's message. Has that ever happened to you?
   Well that's enough from me, I'm off to bed before today becomes tomorrow. Again for the first time in living memory I have to say that I feel confident and capable. Look after yourselves and those you love.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)


Monday, 26 November 2012

L'histoire jusqu'ici

   Here's a funny thing. As I've been going backwards and forwards to work, I've been  listening to my French tapes. I'm not paying 100% attention to them, just letting it sink in unconsciously. Now I can spot the bits where the two students make mistakes and I know word for word as the teacher corrects them it just I'm not sure if I'm remembering any of the actual French, oh well c'est la vie !
   So what else is happening in Spanner World ? Firstly there are times when I think nothing much, has changed in two years. This is closely followed by the "oh yes it has" little inner speech. Secondly I've realised that I'm not bad bad at everything. In fact I'm better at most things but let the few problem areas lead to negative thinking which kind of colours the rest.
    I've been doing a little reading on positive thinking. I always thought I generally had a fairly positive outlook. You know, a bit cheesed off, bit miserable but come on buck your ideas up things will get better sort of person. So I was a bit surprised, when having a bit of a "lets think positive" morning, how quickly my positive thoughts dissolved away. Don't for a minute think it's all doom and gloom, not a bit of it. I guess I've reached the stage of the journey where it's surprises time ohhhhh merde !

Onward and upwards in pursuit of accomplissement et bonheur :-)

Saturday, 24 November 2012

   I haven't posted for awhile. A mix of being busy, not having much to say or not being able to put things into words. It's an interesting time though and I guess I'm growing more optimistic with each passing day.
  However while I'm not writing, I am reading. It's good to see that the blogs I read seem to share my optimism for the future. That and books but more of them in a later post.
  This weekend, apart from a couple of hours of work. Will consist of a bit of cooking, a wander and the latest James Bond movie. Plenty of nose blowing as well, I already have my pre Christmas man flu :-)

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

A different mode of transport.

   My latest job is in central London. Which has meant it's easier and cheaper to use the tube. So I've been travelling backwards and forwards for a few days now. Apart from my ipod getting a long overdue outing,  I've had a long chat with an Arsenal fan, about what's wrong with all things Arsenal. A conversation with a Lebanese lady on her way to Beirut (for a short holiday to see her family). About the worsening political situation there. As well as the usual "does this train go to" exchanges and the continual people watching that driving to work just doesn't give you. I wonder who I'll meet tomorrow?

   I'm back to list making. With a couple of minor modifications. I'm not about to declare that I've cracked it just yet but the early signs are promising and lists, even bad ones, work for me.
   So all in all "Spanner World" seems to be spinning nicely at the moment. I'm being taken off to Brighton in a couple of weeks time. In return I have to find things to see and do, which I kinda enjoy. So on balance I'm getting the better of the deal.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-) 

Monday, 22 October 2012

I wish I could ......

   Write posts like some of you. Just interesting little snippets about the routine of life and for once I think I might just be able to put something down along the lines of you better bloggers out there.
   Yesterday I met up with a friend in London. We met in the middle of St Prancas station. From there you can get trains to Paris and less romantically the South East and the Midlands or jump on the underground and come up somewhere else in London. Which is exactly what we did. First stop the flower market at Columbia Road for a wander, a coffee and a bagel followed by a couple more train rides. A comfort break in a Pub, which seeing as we managed to collar the only leather sofa in the place turned into a long hour of chatting and catching up. Then a short walk to the new cable car that links the North of London to the South. It's supposed to be an addition to the transport system but has become a bit of a "tourist must do" It's more like a fairground ride. As it takes off and steeply gets you up to 300 feet over the old docks and Thames before an equally steep descent the other side and just a few hundred yards from the O2 Centre (the old Millennium Dome) It's now full of bars, restaurants, a cinema and a concert hall. We opted for Mexican a beer and more nattering before we finally got back on the tube and went our separate ways.
   There, I managed it :-)

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)))))   

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Mystic Customer no2

   I've mention my mystic customer before. The one who has crystals around her boiler and they are the reason it keeps going not the hours I spent coaxing the bugger into life.
   Well I now have mystic customer number 2. She's actual a Meridian Therapist. I've worked for her and her husband before but she was a bit reluctant to tell me what she did, fearing a hairy arsed plumber wouldn't understand. Well this time she told me what she did and we agreed for the small amount of work there was for me to do. We'ed swap an hour or so's plumbing for some therapy.
   Again I'm amazed how information arrives at my door just as I'm ready to receive it. Here's a link which will give you a brief insight into MT.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Collecting info on "Procrastination"

   For the last few days I have been wandering around the web looking for solutions to the above. So far they fall into two groups. An explanation of what it is. Which is procrastination of the highest order. Avoid writing about a solution to a problem by just restating what the problem is. I take my hat off to the authors of those articles or things written by people who think a neat shopping list is a perfect solution to the problem.
  So if anybody reading this has come across anything they think may be interesting can they post a link.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-) 

Thursday, 4 October 2012

"Well, Hardy, how goes the battle?" (Horatio Nelson)

   So I guess it's been a couple of weeks or so, since I've focused on the procrastination, facing up to it and seeing` what can be done.
   On a positive note I'm becoming more aware that it only affects part of my life, predominantly my work life and particularly things I lack a bit of confidence in. So realistically this isn't (and never was) an insurmountable obstacle. I'd like to beat the thing as quickly as possible but why put a time limit on it and add to the pressure. On the other hand without some sort of limit it could and probably would continue to drift.
   That's all for now. Generally things are going well, so until I've got more to say!

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)


Saturday, 29 September 2012

Absolute Pants

   I haven't posted for a while. I've written a few pages but they've been absolute pants, so I hit the delete button. It seems as if I'm taking one step forward and two back lately. Which can't be the case, as my fingers wouldn't reach the keyboard and I wouldn't be typing and you reading this drival. So I guess, thinking about what's going wrong when I'm things seem shitty is a bad idea. One positive though. I keep plugging away. As per my hero CG.
   In other news. Those of you that read "In pursuit of happiness" will be happy to learn that Med's a dad again.
   Lastly, thanks Pixie for the smile. After a crappy day it cheered me up.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

(oh and before you ask, that's not a picture of me in the big pants)

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Procratination (from the Latin postpone until tomorrow)

   If you have BBC iPlayer or you can download it (simple in the UK but not sure about anywhere else) have a listen to this  It's a 30 minute piece about Procrastination. Or you could read Rowan Pelling's article, it doesn't cover as much as the programme but you'll get the idea.

   Rowan Pelling is a journalist and broadcaster who isn't afraid to tackle a difficult subject with common sense and a small dose of humour to help its delivery.
   Life's tough enough without the added bonus of knowing as a procrastinator you actively set out to sabotage your own happiness and success. It becomes a way (no matter how maladaptive) of coping with the emotions that accompany depression. Short term it brings some relief but a bigger headache is just waiting around the corner.
   After I'd listened to the programme I switched on the laptop, went to Goggle and surfed away for a couple of hours. A very useful couple of hours it was too and it occurred to me, procrastination like many other words can end up as just a label. I don't know about you but I sometimes just stop at the label and forget there's someone behind it. Initially labels help us give someone an idea of what we are about but that can soon turn into an excuse. Procrastinator fits me well. I'd truly prefer something else even, Dictator, mass murderer, or at a push Chelsea fan but for the mean time between you and I, I'll live with it. While I find an effective way out of this mindset.

    *****  I have some more info on Procrastination. Go to the post "Self Counselling"  22/02/13 *****

   Going back to Labels. A friend of a friend is a veggie and came to dinner not so long ago. My friend said "don't worry about him, he's not fussy just get him one of those veggie ready meals." Now I'm not keen on different meals at the same table, it reminds me of family life and my ex being on another diet. It wasn't difficult to come up with something we could all share. During the meal Mr Veggie asked me how I'd cooked the dish as he'ed enjoyed it and would like to give it a try. So we got into a chat about food and I asked him what he normally ate, expecting to learn something new. I did but it wasn't what I'd expected. There I was, waiting to hear about his varied and interesting mix of vegetables. Instead he appeared to survive on Cheese Salads and nothing else. So you see I need to look past labels in others and not hide behind my own.

   I'm feeling really happy and confident at the moment. I'm still up to my neck in financial poo and the work front is looking really bleak too. I don't have a sure fire answer to my woes but I'm pretty sure I'm asking all the right questions at last and am beginning to understand how I got into this hole. So the journey continues.

Onwards and upwards in pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Carrying on.

   Are you all familiar with a BBC program called "Who do you think you are?" It delves into the family trees of Actors, sportsmen and who ever happens to be flavor of the month.
   This week it was a hound named Greg Wallace. He does a bit of TV, writes, has a restaurant but I digress. It's his Great-grandfather Henry Roland Springett who was the centre piece of this episode. The fella worked hard to provide for his family but bad luck and tragedy stuck to this bloke like poo to a blanket.
   So what do you do when things go wrong, seriously or otherwise? Well the simple answer is keep going. Make some changes to avoid future pitfalls but if things all around you and within you are going badly you're probably not the best person to be making decisions, simple or otherwise. So where to start. Well I guess it depends on the particular hole you're in and here's where the old me and the new me part company. Old me would of suggested answers based on what I was trying, hope or from what I'd read. New me is willing to admit I'm not so sure. I defiantly do know that what works or doesn't work for me won't necessary be the same for someone else.
   I've always thought that being honest with myself, would be my trump card. It would help me sort things out but as I suggested earlier if I'm in the middle of some wrong decisions then my thinking is probably not at its best. So currently I'm still in the same loop but I pick up a few new tools each lap and my times are improving and I'm still in the race.A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)        

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Did you know?

   This isn't my usual type of post but the Olympics has kind of got under my skin. So here's a blast from the past
   Before Tommie Smith and John Carlos made their human rights protest at the 68 Mexico Olympics they told Peter Norman ( the Australian silver medalist) of their plan. He supported their actions. Carlos said he thought he'ed see "fear" in Normans eyes but he said he didn't, he saw "love" Along with Smith and Carlos he also wore an "Olympic Project for Human Rights" badge, which he took from Paul Hoffman, another American athlete, on the walk out to the medal ceremony  .
   Although Norman didn't really play a part in the protest, he came in for a lot of grief when he got back home to Australia. He never ran again for his country despite running the qualifying times for the 72 Olympics. His silver medal winning time in the 200 metres of 20.06 is still being the best time ever run by an Australian over that distance to this day.
   Things didn't get much better for Peter Norman with time either. After a bad injury in 1985 he contracted gangrene. Depression, heavy drinking and pain killer addiction followed.
   The Australian organizing committee over looked Norman in playing any part in the Sydney Olympics of 2000. However when the Americans found out they invited him to be part of their event at Sydney.
   When he died from a heart attack at the age of 64 in 2006 the American track and field Federation. named the 9th October as "Peter Norman Day". Both Tommie Smith and John Carlos were pallbears at his funeral.
   Peter Norman didn't go looking for notoriety. He did however have a strong belief in God and in fairness for all. Unfortunately he seems to have paid a heavy price for not ignoring the plight of others. Hats off to you Peter Norman you were something really special.

   Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)  


Thursday, 9 August 2012

No moans! it's just not British.

   I haven't blogged for a while. Long hours at work and poor decision making have left me short on time and ideas about what to write and I no longer want to blog about things unless there's a positive slant somewhere in it.
   So lets move on to something positive. The run up to the 2012 Olympic games was very British. Moans about the cost, the Olympic highways ( certain roads closed to all except Olympic traffic) The cost. The legacy or lack of one. The cost. Oh and the mini uproar when a block of council flats found out their roof top was about to be used as a site for a missile launcher to shot down flying terrorists.
   Then came the opening ceremony. Which left us all a bit surprised. It's genuine attempt to include all sections of the community from the immigrants who came here in the 50's (and many settled in East London) to James Bond and the Queen. The moaning subsided and a timid "well that wasn't bad, was it" crept in. we wobbled abit when Cavendish didn't win the cycling road race and we had to wait a whole 5 days before the rowers Glover and Stanning won gold in the Ladies coxless pairs. Our first ever Ladies gold in any rowing event. Since then the medals, the graciousness of all those involved in the games and our (Brits) pride has started to roll in and on wards. As the games draw to a close TV and Radio has started to home in on the stories behind those with medals and those without. The sacrifices they and their families have made and other stories to do with the games past and present. So thank you to those involved. Ken Livingstone, Boris,  Seb Coe, Tessa Jowel all the way down to the 70,000 volunteers who have changed us miserable Brits into happy positive Brits, well for the moment anyway :-)

Onwards and upwards, in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)      

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Dreams and jokes.

   I'm dreaming more. About what, I can't tell you. I wake up and remember the dream and think "um what does that mean" but something happenings between then and the morning visit to the bathroom and my mind blanks. Much like an evening spent listening to a comic. You come away with a sore face from laughing, thinking I must remember that but the comedy fairies come in the night and rub out the words but leave the smiles.
   So much for following my dreams, whether they were in colour, black and white or I was naked. I'm just happy to be dreaming again.
   Reality's not so bad. At least I can remember all of that. Well most of it, except the jokes.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Just doing it.

   Well the plan started ok. I brought the ticket, unfortunately it didn't have all the right numbers. Which was a bit of an oversight on my part. The good news is I did win £2.50. So now there's plan B another ticket and 50p for sweets woohoo.
   I did (fingers crossed) manage to fix the van. I hate fixing the van. That was until today. I read somewhere about trying to find enjoyment in everything you do. So I fixed something most people wouldn't even attempt and while I was doing it thought back to when I was a kid. Watching my Dad fix his van and here I am fixing mine. So there lies the reason I hate fixing my van. I've come no further. I'm the same as my Dad, who to me was a failure. Harsh, I know but there's really too much history to go through to give you an insight into why I feel that way.
  Cue a little motivational speak "The only obstacle along the path to happyness is me." I've paraphrased something a guy called Les Brown wrote. As I've said before it's odd how life shows you something just when you need or are able understand it
   My Dad wasn't a failure. He tried really hard. If any ones a failure it's me because he gave me more than he ever had. So time to let that one go and take a look at this from another angle. My Dad gave me the ability to fix things and not give in. Thank you Dad, I had you all wrong. I'm sorry. 
   I'll keep you posted about plan B

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Just do it !

   Following on from my last post. I'm fast coming to the conclusion that instead of trying to figure out why something isn't happening/working it's probably better just to get stuck in and look back at a later date and wonder why.
   The people who write the blogs I read all seem to be facing up to their issues and doing something about it which is encouraging.
   I could do with getting some exercise as well. The stronger/fitter I am the easier it will be to do just that bit more at work.
   My poor old van is playing up again. It's overheating and things are looking a bit terminal. Which is a pain. most mornings and evenings as I drive to and from work I say hello to God and thank the van for getting me to work or back home. I do promise her some tlc but I guess she's given up hoping. I have a job that will pay off most of my debt (credit cards etc) and will pay for a few spares to keep the red rusting hulk on the road for a bit longer but I don't think she'll make it.
   I've come up with an emergency plan. I'll buy a lottery ticket tonight, win the jackpot, hire a replacement van for the short term and let a highly trained team of mechanics, spray painters and upholsterers loose on her. To restore her to her former glory. I know, not a great plan but have you got a better alternative?
   That I have a plan ( if it could be called a plan) and I always try and write my post's slightly tongue-in-cheek and the fact that there are no trees around here that would take my weight given that I could find a suitable length of rope shows how far I've come.
   Things could be far worse and they are for a whole lot of other people.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-) 

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

On the cusp !

   I haven't been posting regularly lately. It's mostly due to the lack of time available but things are happening.  I've taken a good look at my diet recently and I'm eating better. I'm getting more sleep and I'm happier now than I have been for a long while. So what's missing.
   I popped into see a friend of mine, last night. The company he works for, have been making cutbacks recently and they're changing the way they calculate the performance bonus (the basic is tiny). He says it's getting to the point where it's becoming a demotivator.
   I work for myself as you know and currently have a good, interesting job. Which, if I put some serious hours in and finished it quickly. Would boost my bank account and enable me to clear up a nice little chunk of my debt. So why do I lack the motivation to get on with it ??????????
   This arrived in my "In Box" the other day
which has made me view motivation a bit differently. I don't have an answer but have a really strong feeling that the solution, for want of a better word is within touching distance.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-) 

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Anti-Social behaviour

   I've been driving through the middle of London for the last couple of weeks on my way to work and even though it's early (six am ish) there's a fair amount of traffic about. There's one stretch of road which has a "bus lane". Now the "bus lane" doesn't run the whole length and there are breaks along the way of a few hundred yards. Most of the traffic sticks to the one lane but some dart in and out when the "bus lane" ends to make little gains as we all plod on to work. It's starting to really irritate me, for two reasons. Firstly they are not doing anything wrong but it's selfish and secondly as they aren't doing anything wrong I could follow suit but choose not to and just sit there and get annoyed.
   Which brings me to today's title. Politicians and the daily papers bang on about anti-social behavior within communities but isn't it really bad town and social planning that's turned many of us into selfish shits? Instead of joined up thinking and careful planning they just fine us for any number of minor infringements and we end up loathing each other in the process.
   With little history and a fast changing industry the mobile phone business can design a phone that takes pictures, receives emails, holds your entire music collection and fits in your pocket but with thousands of years of accessible history  when it comes to housing and open spaces we seem clueless when it comes to designing something that would bring the best out in us. I know it's not that simple but I'm now becoming inclined not to lay blame on the individual as quickly.
   Changing the subject entirely, I'm dreaming far more lately or more importantly I'm remembering my dreams. I think my last couple of years have been pretty dream free. I wonder if dreaming is linked to mood ??????

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Fate I guess.

   Work wise things have been a bit grim. So financial shortcuts have been taken. Like not having a proper spare wheel. It's first on the list to sort out when some cash comes in.
   On Tuesday I noticed one of my tyres was a bit flat, so I pumped them all up. Knowing some cash was due into my account I planned to get a spare sorted out on Wednesday. Alas the tyre didn't last that long and gave up on me at 5 o/c on the A3 a few miles from my currant job.
   I know someone, Pat. Who lives not far and they were in and came and picked me and the useless spare up and dropped me off back at my job. It's an empty flat save for my tools and other bits and pieces. So I made the best of it had something to eat and made up a bed of sorts. The following day Pat picked me up I got the tyre changed (£90 ooh that hurt) went back to the van and I'm back on the road.
   So what did my little adventure teach me? Anything life throws at me can be overcome and staying calm and understanding, it's not personal. Makes it just that bit easier. Squeezing as much good stuff out of a bad situation helps too. Get as much insurance as I can and I don't mean the paper kind. I mean the good sense kind.
   All that said, things are still moving in the right direction and lifes still good .

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)   

Sunday, 20 May 2012

A brief history .....

   During my little counselling spell, I said I felt bad about being miserable when there were so many people in the world with real problems. Could I do anything about these people? she asked. No. Well just concentrate on you for the moment.
   It helped, I was generating enough guilt closer to home without adding to it. So eighteen  months on I'm finding that I'm spending more time looking out than looking in. Now the balance is better. There are still too many in the World with real crap though.
   I always assumed that the misery thing was something you got over or cured. Accepting that isn't the case and I need to have little strategies to deal with things has been a real release too. Simple little things that stop me careering down the negative thoughts path and step back on to the right route. Keeping my mouth shut more often :-) and not looking too far into the future. Realizing I can only change my own thoughts and behaviour. Not that I'm into making people do what I want but wondering why others do what they do isn't the best use of time is it.
   Enough of the belly button gazing. Works going well and is becoming enjoyable again. I'm lucky enough to be working in an empty flat, so get to cook a proper meal for lunch. Now all I need to do is add a bit of exercise to the pot.
   I'm dog sitting, at the moment. Which I thought would be a good idea as it would mean long walks etc but all it wants to do is sniff. So walkies is really standies whilst she sniffs the trails left by previous dogs. I'm glad my nose isn't as sensitive as her's as a trip to the Supermarket would be a nightmare. I'd like a dog of my own one day. Although something bigger than this one, with a recognizable breed and fur that doesn't resemble a pipe cleaner.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)     

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Better off than most.

   I love house building programs. You know the ones. Where a couple buy a derelict electricity sub station half way up a Welsh mountain and plan to turn it into the latest "des res" with a kitchen bigger than the deli department at Waitrose and a flat screen TV that would put your local Odeon to shame.
  So I tuned into the second series of "The Restoration Man" to watch a mid thirties couple, restore an old windmill. In fact the "windmill" was really only a tall tube of bricks. The top had been blow of in a storm way back in 19 0 something and it had just become an old ruin. Their plan was to build a new house and link it to the restored windmill with a glass corridor. Right at the outset we knew Nikki Fagg had had and beaten cancer and was the driving force behind the project. So on a wet and muddy day (why is it always a wet and muddy day) the project starts and as always the budget comes under the spotlight. Will it be enough, will the bank keep the funding going and save the project from disaster.
   Well that's the usual route but this time things are different. Standing outside the frame of the new house Pete Fagg tells George (The Restoration Man) that Nikki is again unwell. The cancer has returned and she has a year to live. They both stand there in tears and I'm on the sofa blubbering too. For the next 45 minutes everybody is working like crazy to get the sails back on the windmill before it's too late. They managed it and they finished part of the house too before the cancer ended Nikki's life. George goes back to the house when it's finished and is shown around by Pete. It's absolutely stunning and as Pete and George go around the house and windmill you can't help but realize that there's something, someone, missing from what should be a wonderful time in someones life.
   Television comes in for some rightful condemnation at times, for the tripe it turns out. Occasionally it comes up with something that makes you realize how lucky you really are compared to others and what can be achieved when you set your mind to it, even when your up against such terrible odds

In memory of Nikki Fagg (1979-2011)        

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Still learning......

   I could use this title for all my posts, I guess. Half of me hates having to admit I'm still learning and still making mistakes the other half accepts on balance it's a good thing. The old ego isn't beyond help just yet.
   I haven't posted for a while (two weeks). I've been busy with work, or more importantly, getting busy with work. Work, good work, done properly and efficiently will lead me out of the doldrums.
  So that's what's been filling my days. To be honest It's not always good or efficient but it's getting that way. So currently plenty of hope and a positive vibe in "Spanner World".
   It's getting on for just over two years since I started to write down just how I felt and I've been really lucky. I've either bumped into people (in a manor of speaking ) who have made me look at things from a different perspective or my ham fisted ramblings have unknowingly stumbled onto something.
   On the outside things appear much the same but inside it's a very different me. A greater self-worth and the knowledge that I'm only responsible for my own thoughts and actions are towards the top of the list but the most important is the knowledge that I do have the power to turn things around if I really want to and that has started to happen. Living in despair and self pity is comfortable and safe but you do develop the smelly wiff of woe about you.
   I'm not saying for a minute that I'm cured. That would be foolish, as it's not a cure thing. It's more, a better understanding of who I am and how best to harness the good and the not so good aspects. So still lots to do but I think the darkness is well and truly past.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)


Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Standing alone.

   I'm always surprised what unscripted turns ones life takes. First comes the frustration maybe even a little despair but when I take the obligatory step back....... I see it's really just fate pointing me gently in the right direction. So after a busy working day, driving home with the rest of Greater London in Friday night's rush hour traffic ( named by someone with a well rounded sense of humour). I decided to ring a couple of friends to help the journey pass. I rang five and no replies. I guess they too were navigating their way home but my slightly paranoid twisted thinking at that particular moment, decided they all chose not to pick up.
   With sweet f.a. on the radio and little else to do than stare at the arse end of a Polish truck, I had a bit of time to think this through. I have to be honest and say that I tend to think the worst. That way I'm never disappointed. Well I couldn't have been born that way? At some point I must of started to lean towards thoughts of that nature. I've been working on changing that though and the last week has gone well but back let me get back to those unanswered calls. They didn't answer for any number of reasons and it really would be a waste, spending any more time on that particular subject. Let me instead spend that time recapping. A while ago I said I'd like to be a number of things. Stoic and reliable being two of those. Now to get there, standing on my own two feet and working through the barriers would seem to be the way to go. Well according to fate and it isn't necessarily too painful a solo journey either. I found this, while looking for a picture to add to the page.

   "I realized today that I have no choice but to fulfill my dreams and achieve my goals, failure cannot possibly exist and as such is not an option......simple as that. Problem solved.
   It is a matter of doing, not trying and though the road may be long, it will be traversed if I just keep walking. In my own way at my own pace".

Ps I hope this reads as further evidence of my gaining a better understanding of where I'm at which I believe it to be and not a lament on being on my own.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Today's going to be a great day.

   Well now I have your attention I'll explain. At 54 I've lived more days (and wasted a fair few) than I have left. So now, right now I need to stay focused and put as much quality in to those I have left.
   This isn't new, just a shift. Something that has been coming for a while. I started my blog as an aid to changing my life and moving forwards. It's become the focus point for positive changes in my life. I'm no expert on the subject but that doesn't limit me in expressing how I feel or my opinions. Seeing my words in print is uplifting for me. It's like a friend saying nice things about me or plainly telling me how it is, both good and bad. I've always accepted that my actions and judgement have got me here. So I want to make more, better decisions than bad. I'm lucky, even though we're all in the middle of an economic mess I live somewhere that's cushioned from the worst of it and being self employed means, I can be proactive about work and look for it.
   Way back in the early days of this blog, I wrote that I felt my "problem" stemmed from wiring in my head. Things would go straight to the "doom" department without passing through the "rational" or "balanced" departments. Do we hum tunes we hate or tunes we like? So why do I (did I) only think things will go badly or won't be simple. Think that way and you'll live that way. I am (I did).
   I've managed to change lots of the minutia that fill my day. Now it's time to push on a bit more. So "today's going to be a good day" and believing it, instead of "what will go wrong with today" and letting it happen. The answers to several little questions have arrived recently. A bit like the end of a Sudoku puzzle as all the remaining numbers tumble into place. I'm not saying "job done" just yet but I have some nice new tools in my bag now to deal with things.

Onwards and upwards in pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Sunday, 8 April 2012


   As I wade through the various things life throws up for me (and for everyone else). I realise that there are particular moments that I don't handle as well as I could and look to see if there may be a better way to tackle it.
   I've been reading a couple of blogs/sites that deal with the positive. The problem I have though, is they can sometimes over simplify. I get the feeling that sometimes as much as they are selling us their theory's they are trying just as hard to convince themselves that it's that easy but maybe that says more about "skeptical me" than them.
   Last night I found another site and wondered around it, as you do. I came across a book section with reviews. Which, you could either read or listen too. So I listened. Now I'm sure the guy I was listening too, Brian, is a nice fella but his voice had that "I'm cool and together and I'm really here to help you, man" quality about it. So I'm thinking this is going to be a complete waste of time. Not the best frame of mind to be in you'll agree, if your hoping to absorb something useful. Anyway I stuck with it and I'm glad I did.    
   I guess my biggest stumbling block is doing things in their order of importance. When it comes to moving things around to avoid the necessary and concentrate on the unnecessary I have Olympic abilites. It's something I've been toiling with for a while. I've made little inroads into it but haven't found an answer or something that works. So as I listened to Brian and thought of ways to torture him, on the off chance we should one day meet. He started talking about honouring commitments. Now I don't know about you but the thing that makes me feel bad the most, is knowing I've let someone down. Tortured Brian thinks some of us make far too many promises to others. So the inevitable is going to happen and what about the promises you make to yourself ? Now I'm starting to warm to Tortured Brian.He's talking about me.Over recent months I've been addressing my own self-worth. So the idea that I'm not honouring my commitments to me is something new and possibly something that I could use in a positive way in the future.
   And that wasn't the only surprise of the weekend. Fulham won away, which for a Fulham fan is most disconcerting. What will we moan about? We play Chelsea tomorrow night and I think I'm strong enough to cope with another win. Here's hoping.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)


Tuesday, 3 April 2012


   I had a really nice weekend with MissG but it kind of unravelled on Monday morning. I'm facing a very uncertain future with regard to work and if that goes tits up then everything else will follow. So the realization on Monday as I traveled to work that shes not interested in what I do or how things are going for me kind of took the shine off the weekend.
   Now that's fine, I guess there are plenty of couples out there who have no interest in what their other half does for a living. So I lay no blame on her but I'd like someone who shows an interest and offers a bit of moral support at times. Why ? I can't say but for as long as I can remember I've always been interested in what those close to me have done, shown interest and support and now on reflection understand it's something I'd like to be reciprocated.
  The week is going as expected. A couple of letters from bailiffs and a couple of phone calls with offers of work, that may unfortunately have come too late.
   So what to do? Well take a bit of inspiration from Chris Gardner and keep going. Once I've posted this I have a couple of letters to write to the afore mentioned bailiffs. We have the Easter weekend coming up so a couple of days to play catch up with correspondence. I'm not singing and dancing but neither am I crying and wailing about my lot in life. Things could be worse (I could be a Chelsea supporter). So things are far from awful just a little challenging at the moment :-)

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of  fulfillment and happyness :-)      

Saturday, 24 March 2012

I do like a good Jimmy Stewart film.

   I remember watching old black and white films with Smelly Granny. The gangster ones were our favorite but every so often they'd be a slushy family one we'ed have to watch. Always ending with a tiny girl in a hospital bed, asleep. As her worried parents looked on. Then she'd open her eyes, cured of whatever life threatening element she'd picked up and say "is Lassie ok?". Smelly granny would get up as the credits rolled and say "I do like a good Jimmy Stewart film" regardless of whether he was in it or not, shuffle off to the kitchen and make two cups of tea.
   Why am I telling you this? Well this morning I awoke at 5.49 am got straight up, shuffled off and made a huge cup of tea ( not the usual coffee) and started to type. I'm work free today so there's absolutely no need for me to get up. It's been a long stressy week and I ache a little, even more reason not to get up but here I am. Dressed and full of tea. I'm a bit perplexed but I've suspended any kind of analysis as to why, just like I had to when the the little girl had made the miraculous recovery. Without Doctors or drugs, just a white starched nurse who tucked the sheets in on a perfectly made bed way back in my past.
   It's foggy this morning. Foggy mornings are the best, followed by over night snow mornings. Getting straight up, peering into the mists outside my window and thinking of old black and white films ! I seem to be regressing back into childhood. No doubt tomorrows post will be about how I make my pocket money last.
   Oh and just for reference, my other Granny was Granny Sixpence.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)   

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Waking up.

   Waking up isn't as much fun as it used to be and when I say used to be, I'm looking back to when I was a kid. I'm not say that everyday since then has been that way, getting up early and looking into the cot as my daughters lay fast asleep was always a bit special. It just seems that way.
   It doesn't take so long now to push the gloom away and find something positive. It's easier because I'm facing up to the crap. It must be getting on for about six months since I last switched off the phone and pulled the quilt over my head and hid away from the world for the day.
   I don't know how things are going pan out. What I do know is, I'm trying as hard as I can for things to go the way I'd like but things are coming to a head fast.
   Enough of this, let me change the mood slightly. Two blogs I've added to my list are the and For an old skeptic like me, it isn't easy reading but I'm willing to take a fresh look. It's always nice when the phone pings to let me know an email has arrived and it's an update from one of these sites. There isn't anything radically new but it's easy to read and it goes against the majority of things in life which tend to look at the negative.
   The list of blogs I read is fairly quite at the moment. I hope that's because people are busy doing other things. I'm fighting my corner and I hope you are too. We only have this life, I know we don't have absolute control of it but as a start we can chose to wear a smile instead of a frown.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Sunday, 18 March 2012

A day to myself.

   I cancelled the alarm on my phone last night. As today has been the first I could lay in for a while, not being due somewhere else or staying away from home and under the orders of someone else's morning regime.
   The day's mostly my own. So a chance to do whatever I like. Read some blogs, hopefully add to mine. Go for a wander and catch up on a bit of TV. I've no intention of thinking about work until I wake up tomorrow morning, that said I will have an early night tonight (something I need to do on a regular basis, I do hate having to accept I'm getting old).
   It's a funny time. I'm wading through deeper and deeper shit. It's a mix of bad luck and a huge dollop of bad decisions made on my part. Which shame and a little pride means I'm not going into any detail or expand on that here. The funny thing is I haven't felt this confident and positive over a period of days and weeks as I have done lately.
   There's been a shift in the last few months. Firstly I see my misery in comparison to that of others, people who really are in a bad way with no hope of a turnaround. Makes mine pale in comparison. When I really felt lost, knowing this didn't help and if anything it just made me feel worse, for being so self centered but there was a time for this and now it's past. My thinking is more rational. A feeling that things will improve permeates my conscious hours. I sleep well and even have nice dreams.
   There's lots to do but there's always a lot to do in any life. There's no getting away from the fact that I am in a position to make change. OK it's not going to be brilliant stuff at the moment but no doubt it will be!
   So what's changed ? I'm not exactly sure. As things have become worse, I've had two choices hide or face up to them. Reading and experimenting with different ways and ideas has helped. So it's a mix and will continue to be.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)


Thursday, 15 March 2012

I want to be .......

   The strong one. I was once but it got lost along the way. I can't say for certain when but I remember feeling "why can't somebody do that for me" so I lost it then. If I want to be the strong one then I need to accept and understand truly what that entails.

   The loving one. I, like most people don't always consider the feelings of those closest. They're always there so they can be taken for granted and am then a little surprised when they don't respond. Those close should be getting the care and attention they need all of the time and not just when I feel in the mood to give it.

   The funny one. Thankfully I'm still that but let it be more so in the future.
   So there it is. That's who I want to be. It's not a long list. I need to put the effort in on the first item, I'm getting there with the second and fortunately for me my humour has managed to hang around during the doom and gloom season. There are other things I'd like but I kinda feel if those three are in place the rest will follow.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness and fulfillment :-) 

Saturday, 10 March 2012

So what's my role in life?

   What am I unhappy about ? I do know if it was any one thing, job, relationships etc it could be changed. I guess it's something a bit more all encompassing. A frustration with how things have gone and how they are. So what to do?
   Just like most of you. I've done the improved diet, more exercise, personal counselling and a few months worth of pills. All useful but I have a nagging little feeling. It's not a solution.
   I'm starting to think it maybe more to do with not leading the life I'd like to or have the ability to lead. Not fulfilling a role for me or those around me.
   This is only half a post. I'm really busy with work and I've not thought this role thing through properly yet but I wanted to get something down and published.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness and fulfillment :-)

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Failure and Success.

   How do I react to these two words? firstly just reading them. I'm drawn to failure, that's where I see me. I don't even want to dwell on the word success. Failure seems far more comfortable. I know I can't fall any lower. Success on the other hand seems to require constant effort and at any moment it all might crumble.
   How would I label parts of my life? When did failure or success start to feature? I was a pretty normal kid. Interested in girls, music and clothes. Acne was the only spoiler I can think of and most of us have to deal with that.
   Art College was my first brush with failure I ducked out after the second year, never to return. Jobs came and went. I'd last about two years at most and when things didn't go the way I'd hoped, I was off. I lasted eight or nine years with Harrods but then the place was so big you could transfer around a bit if you were keen to get on or things were getting a bit stagnant . I can honestly say though, that work was never really something that got me down. A bit pissed off, yes maybe but not down.
   My marriage on the other hand did. It soon lost it's shine and there was a constant list (mine)of things to get or do that would make both of us happy and a 'never content' feeling (her), with what we had, compared to our friends. To be honest they didn't have anything special either but my ex would always cherry pick. The A's had a better car, the B's a better kitchen, the C's more holidays. The combination of these two meant we weren't happy and could never really give the other the support that we both needed. Again though I wouldn't say I knew at the back of my mind that I might be suffering from depression. It was more a thing of, being a bit unlucky and not getting the breaks. I did know however that my marriage wasn't a good one. I tried to discuss it several times over the years with her but it was just dismissed. So I made the decision to leave once the girls had finished their educations.
   Once I did leave and the growing enormity of what needed to be done to get to where I wanted to be became clearer the blues really did kick in. Now I felt a failure and if I looked back, most things I'd done seemed failures too.
   Sitting here and writing this out it's becoming apparent that failure hasn't been a huge part of my life. It just feels as if it has been at this moment in time. I guess it feels that way because things seem to have slid slowly downwards and to turn that around appears to be such a mammoth task.
   It's difficult to associate myself with success, it feels uncomfortable but there are successes and have been successes in the past. Long fruitful periods to. It just all seems along time ago. That is, unless I apply myself and think a little. The blogs been a success. I see it there on the screen. It's as if someone else has put my thoughts down on paper. Sometimes they're grown up words and thoughts, occasionally funny. I see tangible evidence of me trying to understand and improve. Particularly as I often write when I'm low. To still have that determination even then is success. Knowing I don't have an answer yet, success. Knowing that it won't all be right in the morning, success. Knowing it's a good place to start though and that first cup of coffee is always the best of the day, is a beginning and worth  my while to stop thinking and make an effort, however small.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

How many times have I typed that ? hundreds and it's still THE goal. It's very achievable. In fact, maybe I'm achieving it right now I just haven't stopped to realize it. Maybe you are too! Am I missing the point ? Success doesn't come after they hang the medal round your neck. They hang the thing there, after you've achieved. I can be such a dummy sometimes :-))))))      

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

The right place at the right time.

   Many years ago I used to work at Harrods in Knightsbridge. I started in the Food Hall and then transferred to the Gift Shop. The buyer took a bit of a shine to me and if anything interesting was happening she'd get me involved. One summer the store had a French promotion and built a French Village in the middle of the ground floor. There was a Patisserie a Chocolatier a Perfumery and in the middle of all of this was a post box.
   I was due to go on holiday the week the promotion was wrapped up and a day or two before I was due to leave I was summoned to her office.
"So a little birdy tells me you're off to France for your holidays."
"Yes, that's right."
"Are you flying or the boat train?"
"Boat train."
"Oh right, we've got a little job for you"
   And the job? it was to post all the postcards the customers had put in the postbox, in a real French post box. That night I left work with three large carryabags full of cards. My then girlfriend and I spent the whole journey down to Biarritz on the train, reading these cards. Once we'ed arrived and got ourselves sorted it took us about three days to post all these cards. The village only had a small box and we crammed as many in as we could each day. I would of loved to have been there to see the look on the postman's face each afternoon. Wondering where all these cards had come from. Was his little village now on the route of some huge passing holiday coach and what happened on Thursday ? did it breakdown or loose it's way. Never to return. And what of all those Harrods customers who had brought the postcards and stamps, had written messages on them and posted them. Did they really believe these would somehow arrive on a friends or loved ones door mats with a French postmark? and what would my Boss have done if I hadn't been going on holiday? Luckily for all these folk I was in the right place at the right time.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness and fulfillment :-)  

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Thoughts in no particular order ........

    Lists : I've been using lists for a while. In order to help with motivation and getting things done. Unfortunately it's hasn't really hit the spot. So I've started listing when I start a task and when I finish it, when I break etc etc. This seems to work for me. I have a little record of how many hours work I've actually done and how long it's taken me to do a particular job. Tangible evidence for me to see what I've actually done.

   Age : For the very first time in my life, it's occurred to me that I might not succeed. My plans may not be fulfilled. I've always felt, I'd succeed. So even when things were bad that thought wasn't far away. At the time I thought this seemed to be a good thing, it showed even when things were awful, I had a positive outlook for the future.  Was I not just using it as a place to hide and not face up to things?Now I'm not so sure, I have a doubt. Well surprise, surprise having a doubt is a plus. It's not going to happen unless I do something more than just think about it, is it !

   Dating : Since the split with MissG  I've dated a few times. I wasn't in any mad rush to find a replacement but I did want to get out, see a movie and kind of get a feel for where I fit (am I good company, desirable etc). Well it became apparent pretty quickly that there were more important and pressing matters in my life to solve before I need to date. Which again was a first. There's no way of avoiding the fact that what you do is what you are. In the process of meeting someone and swapping stories with them on who you and they are. Your working life crops up and I found myself painting a rosier career picture than the actual. Nothing outrageous or untrue and definitely not designed to lead someone to believe I'm something I'm not but it did make me realize where I actually am in terms of my career or lack of it. Works been slow over the last few months and instead of facing up to it I've buried it hoping that it will sort it's self out Again that's not going to happen is it !
   One of my dates realized the same as me. As to whether dating was what they wanted or should be doing. So we got to a bit of 'in depth' chatting and along the way I found out, that I did indeed possess a few desirable qualities. We also talked about what our basic roles in life are. What general qualities a man and a women should have. This was a real eye opener for me and deserves a post all of it's own. So more on that another time.

   Dealing with problems :  I have a 'one size fits all' mentality to problems. Ignore them for as long as possible and then some more. Stupid I know and this really does need the ' It's not going to happen unless I do something more than just think about it' treatment.

   After reading the above you'd think things were a bit glum in 'Spanner World' but you'd be wrong. Putting things off or ignoring it is something we all do to some extent. Being single and self employed I can and almost have, ignored everything as it only really seems to affect me but the last person I should be letting down is me. I could lets say, let down a new customer. The fallout wouldn't be that great would it? However each time I let me down I let everybody down. Family, friends and customers. So all the above is a little note to me, which in essence says, "I need to sharpen some of my life skills to allow myself to follow the route I'd like to take".

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness and fulfillment :-)



Friday, 24 February 2012

Je suis fatigue

It's been a busy week. I've had a little time to read blogs but not enough to add to my own. Several things have happened over the last week and although they don't appear to be related, seem to point in the same direction but it's late. So I'll give it some thought and write it down in a day or two.  

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

What's a blog for?

   The reason I started blogging was to keep a diary. Something I could look back on and see the improvements. It was also the safest option too (I'd loose a real diary). I really didn't believe anybody else would bother to read it either, why would they?
   The first surprise, was the cycles that began to appear. I'd look back and see that every couple of months things would look and sound the same. Second surprise, was other people reading my blog and just like a toddler who realizes they are the centre of attention. I played up to my (small) audience. Since then things have been pretty settled. My spelling and word power have improved, I get a lot of enjoyment out of writing and yes, also seeing how many page views there have been for any particular day and the comments left.
   Today I spot the third surprise. I'm not at my best mood wise but  I don't like writing sad !. I'm late for work and the usual misery demons are at the front of the queue, waiting to get in. However there are positives in many forms but the demons have pushed them back to the back of the queue. So my cards are stacked and I should be able to play a really good hand of "woe is me" but I can't do it. I want to write something uplifting for ME. Something that pushes me out of the door and in to something interesting. My blog is starting to develop into a useful little tool to extract me from dark corners, Ithat creep up on me from time to time. I started to feel a bit off Friday. So wrote myself out of blogging for a bit with Busy Days. Just to give myself some time alone. So my ideas could peculate and because I could see the fog floating in.
   Well it can just float on by. Work's moving forward, albeit very slowly. I'm starting to love the odd thing or two about me (sorry if that makes you feel a bit nauseous, it does look a bit daft in print but it's true and truth is what I'm after) and my thoughts are more in the here and now than in the future or the past. I'm feeling a little better already.
   My writing is here for me to attack and not to defend. I shall poke the first demon who comes near me in the eye, stamp on his toe and laugh like Mr Roosevelt above (who ironed his shirts?). Write whatever you want, if it makes you happy. There, now I understand. I'm writing to make myself happy. The biggest surprise so far lol.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)


Friday, 10 February 2012

Busy days.

   Things over the next few days are going to be busy. So not much time to post.
   Briefly though, things generally are starting to gel together like one of Ami's classroom experiments. For the first time in, I don't know how long. I'm letting solutions and ideas float to the surface naturally and not force them there. It's a bit like fencing off a bit of space to grow some grass, you have to keep off of it, water it and just let the stuff grow on it own. Where as previously I would of re-turfed and walked all over it without much care or thought.
   Now where are the keys ?
Onwards and upwards in pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-) 

Thursday, 9 February 2012

Being Stupid.

   I drove 50 miles yesterday to my job only to find I didn't have the key. So I drove 50 miles back home to get it and still couldn't find it. When I searched my bag on the front seat again I found it. 100 miles and 2 hours wasted. Or is it.
   Another nudge from whoever's looking out for me to check and double check things before I jump. I'm trying really hard not to get annoyed with myself over my stupidity which will serve no useful purpose but instead make it a marker. Something that in the future will save me hours of time, anguish and petrol. I made up some of the time and the key is somewhere safe ready for tomorrow.
   My date was fun. I'm really nosy, so asked lots of questions which made her a tad defensive but things  thawed out as the evening went on. No more dates on school nights though. Must put work first for a while at least.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)        

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Flirting !

   I so enjoy flirting but more about that later. I thought I'd be getting into the real meat and potatoes of my new regime tonight but it's formulating very slowly. Which is unusual for me and I'm not that bothered, which is very unusual for me.
   All the breakfast paraphernalia is out, things are tidy and my book, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is here, ready to be read. Getting to sleep isn't a problem. If my mind is wandering I roll over and roll back and roll over till it stops. The roll over thing has been with me now, for a few months and I think it's bringing me a better quality of sleep. I like the physical action going with a thought. either to enhance something or to act as a block if it's not right.
   As I said at the beginning if I've got something on my mind I like to think it though there and then, which could and has meant something being on my mind for days. Where things are slightly different here is, as a solution hasn't formed I've been quite happy to push it to the back of my mind and look at it again later. Which throws up two questions. Has the thinking thing been a major contributor to my spell of the misery's? and now being happy to forget something for the moment mean I'm starting to allow "living in the moment" to be the norm ? Again I'm not going to expand or write any more on this. As I want to finish today's blog and get on with other things.
   Briefly flirting, I'm meeting someone tonight for a drink. Someone I've not met in person before but have spoken to on several occasions. Work has taken me down close to where she lives and I fancied the idea of some female company. So I asked for a date. I really miss female company, conversations between a woman and a man are different from those between women and women and men and men. Opening a door for someone, complimenting them on something, are all things I've sorely missed these last few months. So tonight this poor woman is going to get both barrels If I really was a gentleman I'd ring her and let her know the kind of hell she's going to be exposed to :-)

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-) 

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Regime change !

   Well not strictly speaking. I'm just doing a bit of reorganizing. I know I get more done, if I stick to a plan. I also know I hate sticking to a plan. It takes the fun out of life and appears a tad anal. 
   However to finally push through and make something of the rest of my life I need to get into some good repetitive habits and loose a couple of bad ones. Now this isn't the first time I've tried this but the fact I'm writing about it would rather suggest it hasn't worked in the past. 
   As always most of my posts are written after a whirl around the web and this has been no different. However I haven't come up with anything that gives me the complete answer. Which while a little frustrating does lead me to believe I've hit on something. I don't intend to bore you with the whole plan. Which by the way isn't formed yet. What I have decided to do, is start the night before. So when I wake, there is already a small sense of achievement to kick start the day. I'll prepare my breakfast things (which I do most evenings) go to bed at a regular time (Sunday to Thursday nights will now be known as school nights) and read a little before I turn off my Disney night lite (only joking).

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Saturday, 4 February 2012

Random thoughts

I've swapped a few messages with Med since my last post and it seems we're both approaching things from a very similar direction. It's definately a more reassurring journey when you're sharing it. Particulary with someone who can come up with soluctions as well.

   While I promised myself not to think too much and focus on staying in the moment a couple of things did float by. So in no particular order. I remember as a kid, walking to school with a mate and saying,
"We're gonna be late,"
"What time is it then?"
"Ten to,"
"Then we're not late."
"But we won't get there in ten minutes."
"So lets worry about it when we're late then."
If only I'd learnt the lesson of living in the moment then :-)

   Pills, didn't make me better. They just gave me the space to get better. Which on reflection, I didn't do as much as I could of done. Like a bandage keeps a cut clean, so the body can work it's magic. The pills took the edge off the despair and I should of used that time to sort things out a little better than I did. To be fair to me, the Doc could of given me a bit more of a heads up at the time but then aren't I lucky to live somewhere where health care is free. So I'm nit-picking and I am where I am.

  My recent sojourn on the web to all things positive and looking at things from a different prospective. A positive prospective has seen a big leap forward.

  Nothing startling there, just some thoughts. I'm making no claim to having beaten anything either. I do feel however that I'm more knowledgeable than at anytime in the last few years. Enjoy your weekend.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-) 

Friday, 3 February 2012

A busy week at the bottom of the mountain

   It's been a busy week. I had hoped to wrap up a couple of loose ends and then start a new job on Wednesday. It hasn't gone according to plan but I guess being able to adapt is a key skill in overcoming hurdles.
   I'm making a real effort to just stick in the moment and not let my mind wander too much. Again it's not going to plan but I'm reining myself in and getting it bit by bit.
   The one cloud that does follow me is the knowledge that just to get to break even point in all areas is going to take an age. That's defeatist though isn't it. Every smile, every laugh, every pound/dollar is a step closer and deserves to be thought about and appreciated far more as it happens. Fuck the cloud.
   There isn't an unconquered mountain left in this World of ours. So I'll follow in the foot steps of those that conquered them.
   Thanks Pixie and Med :-)

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Several things I do like

   Jelly babies, donuts, cooking, flirting and detective novels. A smile. Laughter Well that's about it. Nah just teasing there's a whole lot more.
   I like politeness, it's free. Straight talking. Sunbeams poking through the clouds. Eccentric dresser's. The WWW (will there ever be a way to calculate how useful it's been). Hats. Cats and dogs. Cheese on crackers. Clever people. The help I've recieved from others.  Generally and particularly over the last couple of years (thank you) and self help.
   Now self help has never been on the list either in print or thought. So it makes it's first outing today. I'm not blowing my own trumpet here. This blogs for me, first and foremost. My willingness to say it publicly is a huge step for me.
   I wouldn't think twice if Meryl Streep said she knew she was a good actress or Bob Dylan saying he wasn't bad at stringing a few words together to a tune (although he'd be pushing it if he said he had a good voice) but I've always had a problem with admitting good things publicly. I'm not alone in this. Lets be honest, most of us just accept the things we're good at. Without a thought, as to the effort we may have put in over the years acquiring that skill and because we find it a bit grating if someone keeps on telling us how wonderful they are. We tend to keep our own skills and successes quite.
   And there's the paradox. Here we all are telling each other about our fight against the blues. Which will end in triumph or a defeat of sorts. Hopefully the former but we dismiss the little wins along that journey. With things like "feel much better today" "finally got that done". No mention of the effort you or I have been putting in to achieving that. Well just stop a minute and recognize what you do, do. Revel in that for a moment. Celebrate a la Usain Bolt in the safety of your room. Job done, another stone to step up on to look down at your foe.

   And finally do you think the old bird in the picture has got a really small head or are they just really big glasses?    

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Several things I don't like.

   There are several things I'm not keen on. Jellied ells and chocolate liqueurs spring to mind. Fat on the edge of my bacon or any piece of meat for that matter also goes on my mental errrr list. The words "ponder", sounds like you are going to sit on whatever you're pondering and take an age to deal with it and "green with envy", more to do with the person who used to say it repeatedly, and not so much the words but unfortunately the damage is done there too.These are however minor things and easy for me to avoid.
   What of the dislikes that are not? Other peoples pain for instance. Some of my reading matter says, to try and avoid the negative as it can bring you down and you should align yourself to the positive. This makes sound sense but what of those around me and their pain. Am I to abandon them to preserve my own delicate well being? I cannot. If my moods are destined to stay, as I cannot leave my poorly friends, then so be it. If you were all to cheer up, mind. Maybe we could shift forward a little ?
   One thing I remember from way back is, "don't say. Do!".  I'll do that tomorrow, I'll ring him this afternoon. It never happens. Now I can't say I don't do it but I do try and avoid it. As I know to my cost that there are more  do's in my baggage than dones. So I'm giving a very wide birth around the DO word at the moment. However I can report the staying focused and being devoid of any running thoughts is progressing nicely. If I slip and find myself thinking then my penance is an immediate 20 push-ups. If my mind continues to wander by the summer (and feeling that I might like to start dating again). I should have a fine pair of biceps and a good shoulder line to fill out a tee shirt :-)
Bugger I'm thinking again .......

   Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment and happyness :-)