Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Day 454. Something different.

Usually if I'm feeling a bit low I'll ring a friend and have chat. Since the end of last week however I've given up on that and have just relied on me. Is this a good or bad thing. Has the time for talking ended and more action required or am I withdrawing into a shell? I don't have an answer but I do feel it's the right way to go.

Have I made any advances? or do I just dress things up to appear that I have? I guess it's a bit of both. Anyway tomorrow another opportunity to shine and cancel out today.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Day 453. I gave up today.

Came back this morning from a couple of days down with MissG. It was good to be somewhere else and forget about things. However once back here to an empty bank account and several pressing bills and I gave in. I haven't moved from the sofa all day and the phone is on silent.

It's the first time I've done this in a long while. I'm not proud of myself. Over the last few months all I've thought about is working. Trying to get it, getting paid and keeping the "wolf from the door". It became apparent that this wasn't helping me in other area's of my life and I needed to switch off and live in the moment with family and friends. This has given me a real boost and my energy levels have risen but today!
Well the come down from a couple of days, where I felt safe and loved was just too steep. So I faltered.

Do you believe in God? I would have to say, hand on heart, I'm not the most religious of people but there have been a few times over the last couple of months when events took a surprise turn for the best. As if someone was looking out for me. So most days I look skywards and say thank you. Why have I chosen to mention this? Well I flicked on the TV about twenty minutes ago and what came on. "The Pursuit of Happyness". Something to remind me not to give up but to keep plugging away.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)


Days 450 and 451. The weekend review.

The little bits of bad luck have followed me along this week. Nothing major just small irritating things that sorely test you.
I'm struggling to keep all the balls in the air at the moment. This is different from the emotional despair that prompted me to start this blog. There I was/am completely in the dark as to why my moods are the way they are. This is financial depression, easier in theory to resolve as there is no "unknown" just incoming's and outgoings. The incomings are struggling to keep up with the outgoings.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Friday, 24 June 2011

Day 448. Getting a grip.

The day didn't start so well. Woke up not feeling great. I seemed to be slipping back to letting the negatives outweigh the positives. So I stood in front of the hall mirror and had a word with myself. It was something recommended to me when I was in counselling but I've found it painfully difficult to do. I guess it's this difficulty in loving myself that is the root of my problem or it's cure.

Anyway I did eventually get going and it was a long and successful day. I am  turning a corner. The only worrying thing is, that to achieve this there is less time for the good habits I've picked up along the way. That said I suppose I should be happy with these problems. Compare that with how things were several months ago!

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~) 

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Day 447. I spoke too soon.

Van refused to start again this morning. So I'll need to buy a new battery, I've been quoted £150. I haven't quiet escaped my little jinx just yet!

However all is not lost. I have the money but I'll be down to zero when I get it out and the exhaust pipe problem seems to have an answer as well so I can sort that out as well.

All of this is annoying but strangely enough that's all it is. I haven't disappeared into bed and switched the phone off (I have done that in the past) I packed a few tools into a bag and walked down to a local customer where I had a few things to finish off.

I could do with an end to these little episodes. None of them are major events but they do chip away at you. Tomorrow's a new day. So let's see what I can do with it.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Day 446. Things leveling out.

Well today, Tuesday. Things went without any of the bad luck incidents of the last few days. It was a long day. With a couple of tricky moments but I got over those and all in all a successful day. I have been very lazy this evening but I'm not beating myself up over this.

As I find more work I'm sure I'll strike a better balance between it and my social life. At the moment both blur into each other. The key thing however is my general mood is better and more balanced. So a foundation I can build on.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~) 

Monday, 20 June 2011

Day 445. A run of bad luck..... you wouldn't believe but I'm not letting it get to me. I'm not sure what surprise me the most. The continuing run or the fact it's not getting to me.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Days 443 and 444. The weekend review.

A week of setbacks but a positive week for me. Odd but there you have it. I've just spent 24 hours with MissG getting her garden ready for her daughters up coming wedding. I had already made a pact with myself not to mention our wobble last week and just be as bright, cheerful and as fun to be with as I could. The upshot was she brought up the subject and felt she was at fault. I'm too old now to worry about who's fault it may or may not be. As long as you can move on who really cares. The nice thing was it just added a bit more glue to the relationship and I managed to just live in the moment and forget about everything else.

Stroppy, daughter no1 sent me a Fathers day card today. So that relationship seems to be on the mend as well. In the past I would have needed to take control of the situation to repair things. This time I've let "time" do the work and it does seem to be better at it than me. Can "time" it fix my broken exhaust pipe? sadly I think not. So a pause while I go and tackle that job........... well managed to change it, almost ballsed it up but it all came good in the end. Hopefully next time I'll be able to afford for someone else to do it and I can add it to the list of, "things I've done but don't want to do ever again". It's the brake shoes next!

Monday is almost upon us and my plan is to tackle my growing pile of bills. One a day should have everything sorted by the weekend.

Have a good week.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Friday, 17 June 2011

Day 442. Setbacks pushed aside.

Small things went wrong yesterday topped off with a flat battery at the end of the day. I'd be lying if the latter didn't get to me a bit but I shrugged it off and moved on. However it did have it's plus side. My eldest daughter (stroppy) is not talking to me at the moment. In spite of my attempts to resolve this she has remained resolute. Anyway I phoned a couple of friends to come to get me back on the road but they were out. So as a last resort I phoned Stroppy and surprise, she came to my rescue. We chatted a little and now there appears to be light  at the end of that particular tunnel.

I seem to be entering a new phase. Being far more resilient to set backs and just focusing on the here and now with the occasional look up towards the future. I am still in the financial poo. So this resilience is not dew to me being financial secure. In fact if anything, it's borne out of continuing tough times on all levels. I guess my head's just decided enough is enough and stepped up a gear. I wish you all a good weekend.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Day 440. Getting ready to take a step forward.

I'm a year (almost) into this. So I guess with all the blogging, reading and stuff, something must be rubbing off. The last few days have been difficult as previously noted but I've managed to turn the tables on it. Firstly I'm beginning to feel I have a value. So that's given me some strength. Pushing out the negs with a pos works for me and lastly keeping busy.

I know I need to get a life. With money extremely tight though. I need to think creatively about ways to get out and mix with people.

So another noticeably change in me!

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 439. Taking a step back.

It's difficult to know where to start. My insides are doing somersaults but my head is trying to keep everything together. I can't remember when I kept pushing onwards whilst feeling crap inside. It was a bit easier today than yesterday and I hope it will be a bit easier on Wednesday.

Pushing negative thoughts out with positive ones is working and staying busy helps. I know that both of those things appear on any "self help" page but when you re low it's not an easy thing to do the easy thing.

I spoke to a friend on Facebook tonight and she was very supportive. I would have to say having someone who can listen (and I mean really listen) has to be high up, if not top of the list. Anyway enough of my moaning on.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Monday, 13 June 2011

Day 438. I'm not at my best.

I won't elaborate but if you've read the weekend review. You'll know I've had a bit of a wobble. I have however kept pushing the negative thoughts out with positive ones. I don't know why I never thought of doing this before.

I went out for a jog this morning, nothing serious just something positive to start the day. I'm determined to go to the gym at every opportunity this week as a start to getting a life. Plus I'm joining a friend at a dance class he goes to on Wednesday. I'm not dancing, just going to see if it's my kind of thing.

As much as possible I've kept a positive outlook on things today. The more I've got involved in my work the better the day has been. I'm on call tonight so I'll be going to bed soon. I'll end things here, tomorrows another opportunity to march on forwards and find who knows what.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Days 436 and 437. The weekend review.

These last few months have been incredible. Both in a good and bad way. Every week I seem to learn something else about me or rediscover something about me I'd lost.

This week was probably one of the most  important weeks. I'm missing MissG. She's got a lot on at the moment so I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. Anyway we kind of fell out and there was a moment, a brief moment when things looked terminal. We overcame that but it did kind of shake me up. MissG has a big family, a big circle of friends and she likes to socialize. Me on the other hand has none of those things. So while her personal and emotional needs are taken care of through a large network. Mine are all focused on her. Now I do have family but as it's only been a year since my split, things are still a bit raw with my daughters and it's going to take time to get back to something normal. I have friends but they are joint friends (my ex's and mine) so that's a bit awkward too.

For the last year I've concentrated on work and haven't given a second thought to the personal side of my life. Well now's the time to get one. I need to socialize, I need to redevelop my personalty. Become more fulfilled more interesting. If I've got a variety of work and one job goes bad then I'll get by. It follows that with a variety of friends, acquaintances, hobbies and something goes wrong then I'll get by and probably have some support too.

Being objective, our relationship is unbalanced. We both have baggage from our previous lives. At the moment, I know I'm prone to misunderstanding words, actions and also the lack of them. I think we both are. I'm not confident enough to know when to just ignore things and when to stand up for myself. So you can see it's a recipe for disaster. I'm not sure how things are going to go over the next few weeks. What I do know is I'm aware of my short comings and my aim is not to let them get in the way as far as possible. I really hope things go well I enjoy her company.

So it's been a tough week emotionally but I met it head on and thought it though clearly and didn't do anything stupid. I couldn't reslove things straight away but I did get down to the gym as a start to a new me, I'm replacing a negative thought with a positive each time one strays in. So I'm very proud of myself and like myself a whole lot more.

This coming week is an important one for me. I hope yours goes well for you.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)    

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Day 433. No change!

Yesterday (432) was much the same as 431. Not the greatest but I got on with and moved forward. Things between MissG and myself are not as I thought. Initially this knocked me right back to thoughts and feelings I used to have over a year ago but thinking things through it maybe a good thing which will move my personal life forward. I'm probably concentrating to much of my efforts on work and ignoring the part of me that will shape my future?

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Monday, 6 June 2011

Day 431. I think I might be winning!

Today didn't start well and took a while to start moving forward but it did eventually. I didn't get everything done I had hoped and planned. Now normally that would leave me feeling low but today I have realized I did as much as I could and I'm satisfied with that.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happiness :~)

Days 429 and 430. Another week gone.......

...... and still learning. A week ago the negative thoughts were creeping back in. So hence the need for a mantra. Something short and to the point, to repeat when the black stuff was trying to force it's way into my thoughts. Well did that and kept plugging away as the week went on. Saturday was the crunch day. I had a job with lots to do and on the other side of London. So I really wanted to get it all done and paid on the day. Well I managed it and drove home pretty pleased with myself. It struck me during the ride home that there were several other things I should also be pleased with. I've managed to pay most of mine and my ex's bills even though I've been virtually broke over the last year. I've kept my little flat clean and tidy (and I'm not a clean and tidy person) and I haven't given up on any of my hopes and dreams. I'm also starting to value myself both personally and professionally So I'm a bit better, a bit stronger every day.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Friday, 3 June 2011

Day 427. Before I go to bed!

It's late and I have to get up early but I thought I'd let you know before I go to bed. I've found a mantra.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Day 426. Planing a holiday!

Well not quite a holiday, I'm going to spend abit of time at my little ruin in the middle of Brittany. The grass will need to be cut, it's usually over a metre high but as I haven't been over for a couple of years I guess it will be forest like this time round. I also need to do some work on the roof  MissG and I picked some dates a while ago. Now I need to book the ferry and find the money to live while we're down there. so I need to come up with a plan!

The other thing I need to do is come up with my mantra. I thought it would be easy but I'm struggling to come up with something short and to the point! I shall forgo counting sheep tonight and and use the time to come up with something.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happiness :~)