Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Day 271. It's just occurred to me.

Now that I've happened on the idea that my mood is a result of a wiring problem and I can now deal with a stray bad thought turning into a major day changing downer. Things have seemed far rosier. Well maybe rosy is slightly over egging the pudding but I do feel things will and can be better.
Is it as simple as finding an answer that you can understand, that moves you forward. Or is it just that the slow and invisible process towards getting to a better place allows you to think clearer?
Either way I'm not going to dwell on it. I shall take a few minutes to write up a to-do list for tomorrow. End the day with some positive affirmations and get some sleep.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Monday, 27 December 2010

Day 269. Cook books and other presents.

Well, I hope you had a good Christmas. I did. Lots of driving to and fro and a little on the quite side. Which I kind of expected, being my first Christmas on my own.
Christmas dinner with my old mum . Tea with my, what shall I call her? girlfriend? partner? Miss Good-for-me. Which I shall shorten to MissG. Presents in the main where Cook Books. Now considering I haven't really started to invite people round yet, I think it's a hint to start to. Rather than a criticism of my current culinary skills. Miss G also included a book on cycle rides around South West London, now that is a pointed hint at getting off my fat behind and shaping up. Obviously my encyclopedia like mind and quick wit aren't enough for her and she wants something with a little more stamina and a silhouette which can pass through a doorway without having to turn sideways.
Today I am in an "in-between mood", in between doing something positive and staying stuck to the sofa. So for the moment I shall end here and let you know what happens later.
Well the good news is I did get on with some work. So the day has been successful. Just before I finish, it's coming up to New Years and I'm going to make a couple of resolutions. I've given this some thought and chosen something from the past, something I've never made an effort at and something intangible. From the past? French. I'm going to make a really big effort to be able to understand and be understood. Something I've never bothered with? learn to cook. I can get by but it would be nice to have a little flair and be able to produce nice simple tasty food (I've got the books now lol). Intangible? control my moods and not let them control me.
Time to sleep. Onwards and upwards :-)

Friday, 24 December 2010

Day 266. Almost Christmas.

To cut to the chase. The affirmations are coming along a treat, I say them several times a day (although I need to work on a regular pattern, time of day etc). When some little problem arises I think of the wiring problem I mentioned the other day and send it to the right brain dept manually. Same goes for good news as well. You'll be able to gauge how well my recovery is going. When I start with the good before the bad you'll know I'm almost there :-)
I'm planning my days better, what gets done gets done and I'm fitting more in. I'm fairly worry free too, as I'm in the thick of Christmas most things are closed, so one or two things I'd like to resolve, I can't. However I will use the time to get some letters all typed up and posted.
There is still away to go but I'm just looking as far as I can step, instead of looking into the far distance and feeling it too long a journey.
I'm hell bent on 2011 being a good year for me. This blog has been a big help in recording my feelings and the rereading of my previous posts has often surprised me. So here's to more posts and surprises.
Looking at my stats it appears I have a few readers. So thanking for looking in. I wish you, your family and friends all have a happy Christmas and a good 2011.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Day 265. Rolling with the punches.

Well finally money in my account but charges to follow and a parking ticket arrived in the post. Que, black mood and "woo is me" but without too much conscious effort I got over it. Now a few hours later I'm excepting stuff happens. It's not personal. I'll except it as a little prompt to get my act together, or more pertinently to continue getting my act together. As that journey has already started.
I can't stop the odd mistake or bad decision. I can however see it for what it is. A mistake, a piece of bad luck.
Forgive my amateur diagnosis but is it just a wiring problem? Every time something goes wrong. The feelings of despair take the shortest route to the soft delicate bit of my brain without passing through the "common sense" filter and being correctly routed to the "shit happens" department. Every time something good happens it meanders along to the "well any fool gets lucky" section where it is quietly shown out by a side door and told not to make a fuss.
Am I on to something? It certainly takes the sting out of bad news and the idea that it is relatively simple (hence easy to resolve) rather than something complicated (and not so easy to repair) appeals to my simplistic way of seeing things and wanting to go about things. I'd like an uncomplicated life and maybe today has been abit of a landmark.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Monday, 20 December 2010

Day 262. Am I kidding myself?

Well did the aff's and managed to do most of the things I set out to do Yesterday. However I'm still avoiding things at times. Am I kidding myself or am I being abit impatient?
I hope it's the later. If you've read my previous posts you'll have an inkling that things financial are getting pretty desperate. Now please don't get the idea that I don't know how lucky I am. There's millions out there who would swap with me in a heart beat. I'm not expecting anything or want anything that I can't achieve on my own. I'm also acutely aware that unlike millions of others, I am to a certain degree in control of my own destiny. My ramblings here are just marks on the map of my life. Hopefully the route to my chosen destination is now appearing through the mist.
Today hasn't started that well mood wise. So I needed something to give me a bit of a boost. Something positive to lift my spirits. In desperation I read my last five postings and was surprised at my positive outlook. I was also a little surprised as to how much better I felt after reading it. So am I kidding myself? No, I think not. It's just going to take a bit more time.
It's a paperwork day today and there are one or two urgent pieces of paperwork to deal with. So they will be my goals of the day. I shall plough on and let you know if I've been successful later.

Well it's been about twelve hours since I typed the above. I've done half of what I need to do and have found lots of other things I didn't need to do to fill the space. I'd really like to know why I'm so crap at doing the things I need to do and World class at doing the things I don't. I guess I'll never fully understand why but as long as I can get past it and make something of the next few years then so be it.
I haven't much work in the pipeline I'm broke and in a fair bit of debt. That's on the negative side. On the positive I have the beginnings of a relationship with someone really nice. One or two people who look out for me and fairly good health. On balance my cup isn't as empty as I sometimes feel. So here seems a good place to end for now.

Onwards and upwards :-)

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Day 260. Changing the way I learn.

So I kept in touch with the clients today and went through my Affirmations. Not a bad start but I need to stick to it.
I need to give my affirmations a regular spot, when I wake up or go to bed. So they get the regular use they need to work.
While I'm doing that I may as well plan in some study time. Each year around Christmas, I make a couple of resolutions to do this or that. To be brutally honest I fail each time. It's only recently occurred to me that each year I use the same failed learning processes as the year before (Dooh). It's never occurred to me to change the record. What a plank I am. So along with this years new resolutions will come new learning techniques.
Overall I'm feeling happy at the moment. I'm sleeping well and dealing with the odd black cloud to the point where they disappear within a few minutes. I've got £25 in my pocket nothing in the bank. I owe family and friends about a £1000. There are several bills unpaid and the rent is due in a week or so. Normally I'd be in the depths of despair right now and blaming the world for my bad luck. So what's the difference? I've learnt to stop worrying if I can't do anything about it and do something about it when I can. Sounds straight forward doesn't it. In fact a lot of the crap in my life had straight forward solutions to them. It was just my twisted logic that refused to see it.
I'm writing alot more recently too and it's all pretty grown up. Maybe I'm turning the corner? I'd like to think I am.
I found this quote from the French writer Colette," What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner."

Onwards and upwards :-)

Friday, 17 December 2010

Day 259. A trip up to Teeside.

I once stayed in North Allerton many years ago. It was the coldest night of my life. I put the extra blanket on the bed the Hotel provided but it was still freezing so I got dressed and went back to bed. I write this because, I went back there today, to pick up a bath for a job that needs to be finished asap. Well it was just as cold as last time. I'm just glad I'm not staying overnight again. Is it always cold there?
Anyway the long drive gave me the chance to work on my Affirmations. The journey took longer than expected and I didn't get everything I wanted done, done but most of it was and I'm happy with that (which is a first).
I'm on call for the weekend and have a couple of little jobs to do as well. Which is always a recipe for disaster. This weekend however I'll stay ahead of the game and text customers with an eta and a warning things might not go to plan.
Apart from getting most things done and feeling good about that. I got a bit of interesting news from my neighbour which may be good for me in a couple of months. Is this coincidence or are the Affirmations kicking in already.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Day 257. Not an easy choice!

On Sunday I mentioned positive affirmations. Well I've been looking into this and it's a bit of a mine field. I need to find something that absolutely fits my requirements. There are hundreds of "off the shelf" affirmations. So I thought there wouldn't be a problem finding something for me but some are a little too long and some not quite me. I'll copy something or write something then it gets stuck on the sun-visor to see if it stands the test of a days plumbing. The search goes on.
I have come across a couple of things I like. "If not now, when" is something I've taken to saying to myself when I'm looking for an excuse not to do something. "The future is not a gift: it is an achievement" again like the first it's not an affirmation but it kind of fits in with my thinking. Perhaps I'll have it framed and put somewhere prominent.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Monday, 13 December 2010

Day 255. Time to commit to paper !

OK I need a purpose. I won't call it a goal. Purpose sounds bigger and nicer. The goals can be the smaller things that get me there. More about them another time, let's get back to "My purpose in life". I have a little cottage, that's in severe need of some heavy TLC.
I dream of living there in my old age. Having the grandchildren spending their summers there. Picking berries in the hedgerows and spending long days building sandcastles on the beach with them. At other times my friends will come over and stay. I'll bore them ridged with stories of my vegetable garden and the solar panels on the roof. The neighbours will drop by on Tuesday nights to play boule, drink wine and try to help me improve my French.
I'll have a big dog (I've always wanted a dog) so walks and throwing sticks will become a part of my everyday.
Big cups of real coffee will start those days and a kiss and hug will finish them. In between will be a mixture of the fun, mundane and painful (Fulham losing and or trips to the dentist).
There, my purpose in life. Spread over a couple of paragraphs. Something for me to come back to again and again. When I need to know why am I doing this and where's it all supposed to take me.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Day 254. So what's happened this week?

Well, counselling ended on Friday and while there is a bit of sadness surrounding the end (of what has been a life changing twelve hours) most of it was upbeat and positive.
I haven't found the inner strength I was searching for, just yet. However I have discovered a couple of things that might shorten that search. firstly, I stopped being too self-critical awhile back but since then have chosen a far too forgiving attitude to my lack of effort. So while I won't be going back to the negativity of the past I will adopt a more mentally stern approach to my, more than occasional lack of effort. Secondly, positive affirmations. This has been something I really haven't worked on enough. So I've spent abit of time reading up on this today and will make a start on things as soon as I'm finished here.
Onwards and upwards.

Friday, 3 December 2010

Day 245. Will today be the start?

Today was to have been my last counselling session but due to the weather it's been cancelled. To be honest, I'm not too upset. I'm not in the right frame of mind today. I haven't been all week. I'm finally excepting there will be good and bad days. It's the necessary drive to achieve, that's puzzled me this week. It's not going to come from anybody else and I have to find a way of tapping into it. Other things I used to do and enjoy, have started creeping back into my life. So on the face of it, things are moving in the right direction. My desire to achieve however is a new one to me. Like the good/bad day thing I realize that it's made up of straight forward practical things, get up on time, know what your doing etc coupled with something else. A strength that comes from within. I'm going to try and find it over the next day or two. Onwards and upwards :-)

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Day 226. Tea and toast.

Just after eight on a Sunday morning. I was going to talk about what small differences I've noticed in the last few days, when another popped in to mind. So I'll note that first before I forget. I have a mental list/plan of what I'd like to do and was just trying to work out where I'd be today. Then the first little job cancelled on me (they needed to go out)and my day has got a whole lot simpler. This never used to happen before and I am wondering if God is lending a hand here with my rehab! I'm still a bit sceptical about all things religious (which is a whole other chapter, so not for today).
Back to small differences. Getting out of bed still doesn't require a count of fifty then another five minutes before I get out. I also have a cloak of well being surrounding me. So the day starts in more of an upbeat manor. I deal with the negative voices quickly and move on to a more positive frame of mind.
There are no real negatives to record here. Apart from occasionally finding something to do to delay getting stuck in to the real work. I do need to deal with my back log of daily tasks sooner rather than later. There is a little thinking to do on these subjects as I fear the way I choose to tackle it, is the wrong way I used in the past but I'm not far off the remedy.
Onwards and upwards Spanner :-)

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Day 223. All's calm and peaceful.

Well I did everything I set out to do, today. Maybe not in the order or time I had planned but it's done after a fashion. I'm happy with the results and look forward to a good nights sleep.
I've had some thoughts about the Counselling and how it's going. I can't put it into words but it's to do with how I went in to it and how its affected me recently.
I still have this continuing feeling of well being. I called the flat "home" today for the first time I can remember. Time hasn't flown past, as it normally does. I have a real sense of turning a corner but again can't put it into words.
Tomorrow looks to be an interesting day. Firstly a bit of tidying up to get the house in order as it were. Then a counselling session followed by a trip to the seaside.
I'm finding it hard not to plan the weekend (which will be a working weekend) and share those plans on this page but I'm trying to change the way I approach and do things so best end here. Onwards and upwards :-)

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Day 222. A Slow Start.

Well it would be after a late night and almost a whole bottle of red wine. That said slept well and woke feeling pretty positive. As I've already said. I'm managing the negative stuff pretty well at the moment. The problem is some of the negative stuff needs to be resolved and cannot just be pushed out because it makes me feel bad. I guess I'm going to have to develop two different ways of dealing with it. The simple one of replacing negative thoughts with more positive thoughts and the more difficult one (because it requires me to get off my arse)of planning a swift course of action to deal with it (which turns it into a positive, right?).
I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is going to take time. I need to strike a healthy balance though. Not set a date on it, which is unrealistic and will put me back but have some kind of timetable where by I can see movement progress and resolution. I'm going to do now, the exact opposite of what I would normally do. I'm not going to think about it. I'm going to do something completely different for 20 minutes or so and I'll let my mind come back to the subject when it's ready.
So for now onwards and upwards :-)

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Day 221. An Early Start.

Had an early morning (5:45) call for an urgent job. So off I went and now I'm back fed and typing my morning thoughts before I leave again for work.
My mood is still sunny and bright. Unlike the weather. The modification of my poor behaviour patterns continues. I have to look in the mirror and say "I love you" thirty time a day. It feels abit odd but It doesn't hurt and it can only do me good. Blocking off the irrational thoughts and replacing them with something far more positive is proving a little more difficult but not impossible.
Thinking of five positives everytime a negative wanders across the horizon is a challenge, three positives come along quickly but you have to think hard to get to five. The plus there, is that your mind is thinking up positives and has no time to dwell on the negs.
I have found a couple of sites on the web with good positive "one liners". So I pick one and text it to myself and sometimes the girlfriend, if it's particularly good.
Last night I moved a few things round the flat and put up a couple of pictures and a mirror. It's starting to be my flat now and it's nice to be surrounded by my own bits and pieces.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Monday, 8 November 2010

Day 220. Back and better

It's been a while since I posted last. Plenty has happened and I'm in a far better place now, than I was.
I've had eight sessions of twelve in a course of personal counselling. It's proved to be really beneficial. Firstly I've identified (with help) some problems with my core beliefs and a perfectionist streak. Which is seriously self destructive.
I'm taking steps (again with help)to correct these and today woke and found myself in a really happy frame of mind. I can't remember the last time I felt that way.
With some modification to my current behaviour I think I can turn this round to my advantage and begin to live a more fulfilling kind of life.
More soon, onwards and upwards :-)

Monday, 26 July 2010

Day 104 the darkness is back.

Well not quite but I'm swinging from one black mood to the next. Feel totaly alone, totally fucked up and no idea how I'm going to deal with it all. Apart from that everything is rosey and lifes wonderful.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Day 93 A day to reflect.

Do nothing and be lazy would be closer to the truth. Actually on call today but things have been very quite of late so I thought I'd do bugger all and start again tomorrow. Now I've typed it I'm feeling a pang of guilt so will get up and do something in a minute. Hope you're all well and enjoying your days wherever that may be. Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Days 87 to 92 Changes.

Well forgive me for the six day gap. There really haven't been many major changes since the last posting. It's all been slight and subtle. My overall mood has lifted and I'm feeling a little positive. I've manage to feed and cloth myself without too much trouble and have got out and about abit as well.
I'm not out of the woods yet and need to sort out my business double quick before that goes down the pan but I'm beginning to see daylight through the trees at last.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Day 86 Moving out!

I moved out today from the home I've shared with my partner (of nearly 25 years) for the last 23 years. It's been coming for years. My moods have been getting steadily worse and this last bout has been the worst. Now whilst most of what drags me down is my fault a big chunk is theirs and the way I handle it. The blog has been so helpful in me understanding why I feel so bad and has pointed me in the right direction. My new temporary abode doesn't have any kind of Internet access so postings will be a bit sporadic over the coming weeks. Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Friday, 2 July 2010

Day 85, My Big Day Out!

Well I'm up, fed and ready to leave for work. Just need to add a few line here. So 85 days into my blog and today's the day when some really big changes take place. Things that I hope will help me to lead a happier more fulfilled life.
Work went well and I'm sorting things out for the big move. Connection to the web is going to be abit hit and miss over the next few days but please bear with me because I think the important stuff is just about to start.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Day 84 Conflickting thoughts.

Whilst I'm starting to fill up with some self belief and confidence. There is this crust of insecurity which is threatening to spoil the party.
Because the answers to question sometimes aren't there I'm making them up on the scant evidence to hand and this is threatening to wreck everything. So I'm thinking problems exist when in fact they don't.I just need to concentrate on the things that I do know and can have an effect on.
I also need to find my sense of humour, which is buried down inside me somewhere. People like people who make them laugh. So I'm going to have to expose myself to as much comedy as I can find. Till I can discover the funny me from several years ago. The funny me was a happy fella as well. So I'm reaching for the remote and seeing what's there. Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Day 83, "Move on up"

Do any of you remember "Move on up" by Curtis Mayfield. It was playing on my ipod last night, as I tried to shift the pounds off my fat arse. Anyway what a nice piece of inspirational work that is!
I'm going to have to move that along with some other stuff onto a new play-list to get me going whenever the dreaded darkness starts to hover nearby.
Haven't had much chance to try out the smiling yet so early days there. Will try and earn some money tomorrow to kick start that part of my life.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Day 82. The green eyed monster.

Seems like everyday recently I've had to face up to another fact about my self. Some are good some not so good. Today it's jealousy and its dance partner insecurity. Got a severe pang of it while on the phone to someone and realised this is ever present at the moment. So a quick google and I've already found out, my jealousy is unfounded hence I have a big wedge of insecurity to deal with. Now it probably occurred to you ages ago but it's just dawning on me that my depression would appear to be several unrelated issues that orbit me 24/7 and very occasionally collide, like a bad storm and leave me in the dark place. So my self worth sticker has "final reduction" written right across it. A revaluation is called for. I'm going to tackle this two ways. First the amount of money I earn. At this moment in time I do need to up the income for several reasons that will become apparent in the coming days and weeks. The second is slightly more off the wall. Smiling. I'm going to smile at people and see how many smiles I get back. At the very least I'm sure I'll probably improve my smile with the practice. If it catches on I might have to devise a scoring system. Women I guess would return a smile more so than a man and getting a smile out of a kid with all the social taboos we have in this day and age would be a minor miracle. I'll let you know how things progress.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Monday, 28 June 2010

Day 81 I'm fine?

Good morning cyberspace, I've been to collect my results and everything's ok. Except the cholesterol is a bit high. So my blues don't seem to be caused by any lack of some vital chemical. What a bummer. It's enough to make me depressed, if I wasn't already ;-).
So what to do? Well the blog is working. It's highlighted a pattern of behaviour and is a fun thing to do anyway. I do think I need to like myself alot more, I have to say that I've never been that impressed with me. When the evidence would point to the fact that I have got one or two good points. I might ask myself out on a date, candle lite dinners and big bunches of flowers. I'm getting goose bumps already.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Days 79&80 rolling with the punches.

Yesterday started well. Unfortunately it went steadily downhill as it progressed. None of which was my doing. Someone close let themselves down and messed the day up for both of us. No doubt I'll get an email later say it was in fact my fault (which it wasn't. To be fair they has a pretty serious problem so it's not entirely something they can control).
As much as I love the person involved, we've reached a point where some serious and final decisions need to be made. Now several weeks, even days ago I would have been all over the place and totally unable to make any kind of rational decision but now I seem to have a growing strength to back me up.
Well well that bit of strength certainly helped me out. I made a tough decision and was prepared to walk away but it looks as if that won't be necessary now. There's a long way to go but I'm convinced it's right for me.
There's the beginning of an inner strength growing away deep down in my soul. Do you remember Weebles? and "Weebles Wobble but they don't fall down!" well I'm beginning to feel like that now. Able to take the knocks but bounce straight back.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Friday, 25 June 2010

Day 78 Things starting to pick up some pace.

Sorry, five days and no posts. I'm getting a thicker skin, which helps deflect the little niggles. That would have once knocked me back previously. So a bit of self belief and a chunk of selfishness creeping in as well. Not sure I'm too keen on the latter but I think it's something that comes with the territory at the moment.
Blood test results due Monday morning. Should be interesting. There were a couple of other things that were discussed at the time. So some follow up on that should be interesting.
Anyway for now I'll wish all my phantom friends a good day. Onwards and upwards :-)

Monday, 21 June 2010

Day 73 so far so good!

Well I'm up fed and ready for work. So a positive start. I'll add more later, till then my phantom friends I wish you all a good day.
Not a bad day nearly finished this job. As I stayed busy not much time to be a miserable git but my mind did wander a bit. As already mentioned I'm hoping this goes the same way as the gym. Keep plugging away and things start to improve.

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Days 71&72 The weekend supplement.

This weekend, I'm going to record the ups and downs in a bit more detail. I'm also doing some searching on the net and will read through all the previous stuff to maybe highlight what's going on.
Not a great start to the day. Up, dressed and fed but little else. I'm supposed to be going to a job with a leaking loo, something I fitted a while ago. And there may lie my problem. As you know the gym is proving to be a bit of a magnet at the moment due to the fact that I'm beginning to see the results. Where as work isn't showing any positive results. So lack of interest followed by lack of earnings etc etc. I need to brake that cycle don't I. OK I'll finish this coffee and go and sort this then come back and list whats left to do and work through that first and let the gym thing work its magic on the work thing.

Friday, 18 June 2010

Day 70 I'd like to be happy now. Please.

Well, I managed to get up fairly early and be at work by 8:15. Work does help keep your mind off the dark things but they are lurking there in the back ground. Things are made more difficult because of the what's going on around me. My love life or lack of one is all consuming at the moment. I'm close to someone but not as close as I'd like to be and I think she's of the same opinion but we both have a couple of issues we need to get out of the way first. Once that's sorted I just want to spend a week holding and being held by her, nothing more than that. The warmth and security of a long hug is the one thing I want more than anything else. More than money, more than World peace, more than anything else. Just a hug.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Day 69, bad morning but a better afternoon.

I'm finding getting up becoming a problem again. Once up things didn't improve much. I could easily have rolled up into a ball and gone back to sleep. It wasn't until lunchtime that I began to feel ok. This evening has been better. I'm not sure whether or not I feel shit all the time and have the odd few happy hours or I'm ok most of the time and have crap mornings, days, weekends etc.
Onwards and upwards phantom friends :-)

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Day 68

Apologies for the lack of posts but have now got the new laptop up and running. So my aimless twaddle is set to continue.
In about an hour, I'm off for the blood tests and in about an hour and five minutes I'll be stuffing my face.
The last few days have gone reasonable well. Overall I'm feeling pretty upbeat but there are some very difficult times ahead. With some difficult personal issues to overcome in the next few weeks and months. So I need to be on top form in all departments to be able to deal with it all.
I'm finding it pretty easy now to go to the gym. Rarely do I find excuses not to go and even if I think I'll just do twenty minutes I find I'll do more once I'm there.
My diet is improving as well. I'm avoiding the rubbish and not only eating the good stuff but enjoying it as well. So there is tangible evidence of my improvement.
Well until next time my phantom friends onwards and upwards :-)

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Day 63 Breakdowns and heartache

The good news is the breakdown was suffered by my ageing laptop. Unfortunately the heartache is all mine but more of that later.
Because the laptop gave up I've been forced upstairs, to our little office space and the equally ancient computer that sits there covered in dust between the printer/fax and the wireless router. It's all a bit of a mess up here, a bit like me. So maybe I need to spend my weekend tidying up. As it's another weekend on call I can't really do much else.
So once again fate seems to be putting things in front of me, hoping this time the light in my head will switch on and a minor eureka moment will take place.
So you've managed to read on up to here. So I guess you're only really interested in the heartache. Well I'm in a newish relationship with someone I knew many years ago. Unfortunately their previous entanglements were not easy going. Whilst mine produced two great kids it has been a pretty passionless affair. So we're both coming out of unhappy periods and I guess i thought it would be good to have someone along for the ride as I get through things. I can almost hear you screaming at your screens, not a good idea um. Well your right, it's already drifting into a semi tit for tat pairing. So we've taken a step back till we are both more stable and able to act like adults.
Do you like the new background better than the old inky blue? plus there's a faint map thing going on. Maybe a metaphor for the future haha.
Onwards and upwards my phantom readers :-)

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Day 62, a visit to the Doctors.

Well 62 days into this and whilst there have been some surprise and positive moments. I'm still, to be frank wading about in a pool of despair most of the in the shallow end but I do slip up now and then.
So booked an appointment with my Doctor. I told him how I had been feeling and the steps I'd taken to try and combat this. He gave me a short questionnaire to fill in and booked me in for a number of blood tests. I'll let you know what comes up in the results.
I was happy he felt I was tackling the problem in a logical and sensible way. Because the appointment was early, 7o/c. I was working by 7:30 and finished the day just after 6. As much as I hate to admit it long working days coupled with all the other stuff I've bored you rigid with over the last couple of months seem to be the way forward.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Day 59. Same old same old.

Well so much for a quite night. Three calls spread between midnight and four meant I didn't get much sleep but I did see the sun come up over Notting Hill. Overall the day went well. Booked in some lucrative work for next week. However my personal feelings are all over the place. To my credit I managed to keep the needy me in the background and projected a happy go lucky attitude. It didn't help my partner she is in a worse state than me. Still came away with the feeling that overall I handled myself pretty well and by concentrating on my partner I learned that she is as insecure as I am. So in light of this I'll make sure I make all the right noises next time we meet. Now I wouldn't have been able to do this a week ago.
Onwards and upwards my phantom buddies.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Days 57&58 Weekends on call suck.

It's my weekend on call and I don't know why but they feck up my plans ever time. On the face of it they should be idea for me to work through all the rubbish I need to. Some how it doesn't play out that way. Whilst I earned good money for some easy work all the hours in-between seemed to get wasted. Now I'm back where I started a busy week and nothing sorted out over the weekend.
There's no point in wallowing in this. I'm off to bed, hopefully no calls in the night. An early start and lets see what we can achieve.
Sleep well my phantom chums. Onwards and upwards :-)

Friday, 4 June 2010

Day 56. Vice visa?

Am I feeling so bad because of the decisions and actions I've taken or have my decisions and actions been effected because of my underlying moods? discuss!
I would hazard a guess that the two are linked but not in anyway I could ever understand or be able to explain. The fact I've had the thought, would suggest I'm on the way out of this constant round of feeling up and down for no apparent reason.
Yesterday didn't go as it should have and I'll need to work very hard today to mend a few bridges that whilst they haven't fallen down do have a couple of large cracks in. Today I'm going to spend a bit of time thinking about my motivation (or lack of it). I have to say it's probably the one area where I might need some outside help.
I hope your phantom days go well my phantom friends. Onwards and upwards :-)

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Day 55, a bit of inspiration needed!

"Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, `Grow, grow.'"
~ The Talmud
There you go, a few inspiring words to kick the day off. Now you'll have to wade through my dirge (no one said this would be easy). I've extended the title. Day elevntyfour was beginning to sound a bit boring, so I've added a few words to give a feel of what's coming. If you ever read "That's it I can't go on", I suggest those of you with a weak constitution close the tab and goggle pictures of frolicking lambs or puppies why spoil your day.
I have a "to-do" list ready and waiting, porridge in the microwave and a mug of coffee here keeping me company while I edit this ready for you to digest. I've gone back to a previous post where I mentioned all the clutter you gather around you. Then I proclaimed how I needed to clear all of the out. Suffice to say I didn't and I need to, so that's this evening taken care of with a little time out to visit the gym. As previously mentioned the gym visits are a success but I failed to weigh myself at the beginning. Which was a major error as we all need tangible evidence of how things are changing for us. So after a quick weigh-in (I'm 15 and a half stone) my target is downwards to a level where I'm happy and fit.
I think that's enough for today. Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Day 54

Well I suppose it's back to basics. Have kept up with my visits to the gym and things are improving on that front. Lost abit of weight and I can see muscles slowly appearing so that's a positive.
Will need to get back to doing my lists and typing a few lines here everyday. I thought that coming out of the initial dark place was going to be the difficult bit but it's beginning to dawn on me that this period of slow (but important) rebuilding is going to be the tough part.
I have to be honest and say I really don't fancy it or think I can do it but what's the alternative. Keep going through these cycles of gloom, keep living this unhappy life. Just by writing this stuff down I can feel this little light deep down in my stomach that is flying around and trying to muster up a bit of support. Maybe I have one good fight left in me. One bit of self respect that won't allow my self-pity to flatten things.
Onwards and upwards phantom readers today we start the next bit of the journey :-)

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Days 50&51

Apologies for no posts this week but things are pretty unsettled at the moment. Whilst my general mood is pretty level my emotions are all over the place at the moment. I'm kind of involved with someone who's in a worse state than me. Initially I thought the caring and looking after them was helping me fact was you're just superimposing your problems on them. Good thing is I spotted it for myself and realised my depression was/is fuelled by the lack of love in my life. Again something I never realised I needed as much as I so obviously do. Not just love from others but the fact I don't really love myself either. So I'll need to sort that first.
The big frustration at the moment is everything is so far away. I cannot see anything changing or improving in the short term and that's pretty depressing.

Monday, 24 May 2010

Days 43&44

Apart from the week when I started this blog. This has to be the most important week to date. It was a week where things came to the surface and rescued me just at the right moment. I have to say like the little voice that popped into my head and said "be strong" I've no idea where from or why these things arrived! but I'm really glad they did.
I suppose I've been putting in the basic framework to build a healthier and happier life. It just seemed to have start up on it's own (maybe it knew I needed it's help).
As previously mentioned I'm beginning to look at things in a very positive way. I'm finding my humour and the regular visits to the gym are turning me into a chiseled hunk (haha, if only). The humour thing is turning from black to a more balanced light hearted banter that includes people and isn't so inward looking. In fact it's the change from only looking inwards to looking outwards at the rest of the World that seems to be a sign of recovery (not the word I'd choose but it's good enough).
Hopefully this new mood will stay with me for the coming weeks. Because all the crap and rubbish that brought me down is still there. I might have broken it up and shifted it round but it's there and needs putting away permanently.
Onwards and upwards people :-)

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Day 42

Following on from yesterday I'm still finding positives in the negatives and warming to the challenge. To be honest I haven't even scratched the surface of getting away from the gloom but I'm beginning to feel and know I can take it on and get on with life love and happiness.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Friday, 21 May 2010

Day 41

Got some really bad news yesterday but the surprising thing was I went straight into rescue mode flagged the positives wrapped up in all the horrible stuff and we all came out of the moment feeling better than when we went in. Forty one days later I'm beginning to find a person in me I like. It's way too early to say I've found my cure but I've learned alot about myself though writing all this stuff down.
Onwards and upwards people :-)

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Day 40

Day forty and I'm still here typing away. Hoping the Angels are just around the corner waiting to offer me nourishment. Just like they did for Jesus, when he finished his forty day stint resisting the Devil.
Actually it's not been a bad day. The positive thoughts thing I mentioned yesterday is kicking in a bit. I'm not just thinking it's a nice day (it was) but starting to think big major ideas for the future, which fill your head with plans. Keeps you occupied for hours.
Looks like I'm going to get the chance to drive the bus and not be one of it's passengers being taken who knows where.
Onwards and upwards people :-)

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Day 39

I'm at a bit of a lose as to what to right today. A bit of positive thinking is creeping in to my thoughts. If I'm not careful I'll be telling young mothers what beautiful babies they have and letting pensioners push in front of me in the Post Office.
I've been drinking water like a fish today, no doubt I'll spend most of the next few hours trotting back and forth to the loo.
Another 40 minutes spent down the gym tonight. I'm getting some funny looks there. So I suppose I better start using the equipment before they ban me.
Onwards and upwards people :-)

Day 38

Sorry this is a few hours late but "on call" yesterday and that really throws me out of whack for a couple of days. Something very interesting happened yesterday (well it did for me anyway). The pattern from the weekend feeling ok then a bit of a slide, repeated itself today (Monday). The difference was a little voice inside me said "be strong" where did that come from? I'm hoping this may expand and my little voice might start giving me horse-racing tips and winning lottery ticket numbers. A bit of humour at last. Well you deserve something if you've managed to stick with my ramblings on "to do" lists over the last month.
I'll make an extra special effort to try and include some humour in future posts.
Onwards and upwards everyone :-)

Monday, 17 May 2010

Days 36&37

Well not much to add for this weekend. The periods I've kept busy have been the most settled but as soon as I stop the darkness slides towards me. Still as already mentioned in yesterdays post, things are shaping up into something that should show some positive signs in the near future.
O&U :-)

Friday, 14 May 2010

Day 35

Well an interesting few days away from home. A chance to reflect (from a distance) about the last six weeks.
Writing this blog has probably been the best thing I've ever done in an effort to beat this. Being able to look back though my previous posts helps me focus an see the wood from the trees.
Lists work really well but I need to get these into a much better format to include day, week, month, year, years etc.
I need to clear the clutter away too. I don't just mean the pile of trainers in the corner but all those little piles of metaphorical rubbish we gather along the way and just continue to carry around. All the time adding to the weight of responsibilities we all carry.
Help and advice. I've been lucky these last few days. Being with someone who had a terrible bout of severe depression several years ago who was willing to listen to me without going into their own long history, which as you know is the last thing you want to hear when you're down. Selfish yes but true I'm afraid.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Day 28

Another rollercoaster day more bad news piled onto more bad news. Each time I try and move on some more sh!t drops from the sky.
I'm off to watch Fulham in the Europa Final in a couple of hours. A few days away may do me some good. I must have reached the bottom by now. I'm not ill, starving, persecuted or abused so I've no right to feel sorry for myself, which I don't it's just this continual thought that nothing will ever get better ever............

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Days 26&27

Well I've missed a few days. I'd like to say it's because things are going well and I've been busy. Truth is I've never felt so low, absolutely rock bottom. No one to talk to, no straws to clutch at, no future worth looking towards and literally a heavy heart.
Oddly enough the only faint positive is seeing these words appear on the screen. A bit like reading a puzzle and then trying to solve it.
1. Talk to someone? there is nobody I want to talk to. I suppose there are a few friends who would listen and offer some advice but I don't want to burden them with my woes. I don't want to admit to anyone how I feel, I don't want to appear weak.
2. Straws? usually there's something there to build on. If not a straw then a small crumb of hope but not today. Nothing.
3. The Future? god that looks bleak. It's all littered with my unfinished projects staring at me like starving children blocking out any light that might be gathering on the horizon.

So nothing there, that will help me in the short term from the first two. Maybe picking up and finishing something from the third? well it will keep me busy, take my mind off things. I could have the radio on in the background. It would be a start. More importantly it would be me doing it. Picking myself up and moving (maybe swaying would be a better word) forward. Forward, a positive word at last, is that the sun beginning to shin outside, can I here birds singing in the trees? well not quite but a little humour creeping in, it's a start.
It's just occurred to me that my life is a bit like a game of snakes and ladders, you go up a few rungs and get a brief glimpse of the future. Then you land on a snake and you're worse off than you were before. Now there lies another small positive. I don't remember ever not finishing a game of snakes and ladders :-)
Onwards and upwards.
Ok I'm keeping busy, I've also filled a large glass with water. Every time I start to feel a little blue I take a sip. I might well be a depressive but I'm going to have lovely clear radiant skin. So I've found an upside to my downside ha ha.

Friday, 7 May 2010

Day 23

Well, not much to add to yesterdays blog. Overall I'm feeling pretty upbeat but things are a little fragile. Support, which I haven't had before, partly because I didn't open up to people about suffering from depression and the right kind of people weren't there before, is fast becoming an important part of the march forward. As is a strong structure to my days and weeks, something which I've let slip recently.
Onwards and upwards everyone :-)

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Day 22

Today has been a very uplifting day. Nothing to do with lists, health supplements etc. Just a show of support from an old friend has lifted my spirits 100%.
Again I've surprised myself with the twists and turns my moods can take. Firstly as already stated, I spent an hour on MSN with an old friend. Then a phone call with a job offer, all be it a small one it's a job. Have sent my feelings of well being soaring.
So, as well as lists etc I'm going to have to factor in positive support as an ingredient to beating this.
O&U's :-)

Monday, 3 May 2010

Days 19,20&21

Well it's been an up and down Bank Holiday Weekend. My mood tends to dip during the evenings and is low first thing but picks up through the day. So how to boost things in the evening? Going to the gym occupies my time. Instead of watching TV I'll switch to some reading and maybe get a few early nights. The other thing I must do is drink more water. I know it's a bit random but lets be fair it ain't going to do me any harm.
I have to admit I thought things would really be moving upwards by now. I'm not saying things aren't getting better. The writing helps, the fact something is written down and tangible makes it simpler to see but there are still the feelings of despair and loneliness.
However we are not going to end the weekend on a downer. I'm off for a read and a glass of water.
O&U :-)

Friday, 30 April 2010

Day 18

Today's the first day I almost missed typing something here. Well, everything went according to plan. Van finally passed it's MOT. Problem shower is in it's first stages of being cured, shame it's going to take the Bank Holiday Weekend to do it. I've felt pretty good today. Mood wise, very happy today. Question is, was my happiness due to getting things done or did getting things done make me happy?
O&P :-)

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Day 17

Well yesterday was up and down. Firstly the repair was fine but there was another problem so failed MOT. Which was a downer. got a bit of work out of the way quickly and efficiently so that was a lift. Surprised how much my moods are swinging one way then the other.
Still got out of bed early, did a bit of searching online for parts and here I am now completing today's entry.
Have got things to do today and if I can get hold of the spares maybe start on sorting out the van.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Day 16

What a difference 24 hours makes. I was feeling very low yesterday but this morning there's more positive vibes flowing through me than negative ones. The reason? Well a friend emailed me several times yesterday which had a massive effect on my feelings. I really hadn't taken into account what a positive force a friend could be and the repair to the van seems to have worked after all. So that reduced the stress I was feeling there.
Right a fairly busy day today finishing with my second visit of the week to the gym.
O&U :-)

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Day 15

Things are getting tough again. Not helped by a couple of things going backwards. I've got a tiny leak somewhere, on a shower I fitted and it looks like the whole lot might have to come out and a repair to the van doesn't seem to have done the job.
I thought that once I started this blog things would move steadily upwards but that hasn't been the case. However writing things down has helped and will continue to help the further along I get with this. I know it's only fifteen days old but I haven't missed a day yet and repetition has a part to play in beating this.
O&U :-)

Monday, 26 April 2010

Day 14

Finally gave into a cold yesterday. So lots of sleep and generally laying about. Which unfortunately effected the way I felt (bit of guilt about not getting a couple of things done and feelings of loneliness and melancholy)
However I'm feeling better this morning and will get straight back into crossing things off my various lists and hopefully restore my mood.
O&U :-)

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Days 12&13

Right, I've decided to change the format slightly. instead of just listing how me and my day went, I'm going to lump the weekends into one and use them as a revue of the week.
I've had a problem this week with the way I compile my "to do" lists. Things are going on there that are not that important or that time consuming. Also I'm adding things that were not necessary list material just going on there to bulk it up. So now I have a rough list of things to do, which I put in to order, on the day. I now also have a side list, which contains things like who to phone, bill etc.
Last night I listed a few things I'd like to complete in May and tonight I'll do the same for next week. Although the lists are helping me deal with things on a daily basis and keeping the despair away I need to start looking further forward. It's the long term plans that will get me out of this and start producing successful results.
One big plus point as I look back over this blog is, there is little mention of my fragile feelings. I'm focusing on things I need to do (and obsessing slightly on my lists lol) which can only be a good thing.
As always O&U :-)

Friday, 23 April 2010

Day 11

OK lovely day again, first items are on the list and waiting for me to start. I've also ruled off a bit of space to allow me to put things down like, people to phone, bits to pick up etc.
So off we go and more later. Onwards and upwards :-)

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Day 10

OK, going to write out my to do list for today. Will start with first four or five items that need to be tackled asap. Then add and modify as the day rolls on. Let you know how things work out later. Onwards and upwards :-)
Well not a great day but pretty solid. Sorting the list first thing seems to be the way forward. I know I keep harping on about the list but for someone who will use any excuse to stop it's the way forward.
More tomorrow so lets all sleep well and surprise the World again tomorrow. :-)

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Day 9

Well today hasn't been that successful. I've not been able to get very far with my "to do" lists and I haven't got much else done today either.
That said if I step back I can see a pattern emerging. Firstly this latest "surfacing" from a depressive bout is I imagine much like the others. Feeling a bit better and making promises to myself not to let it happen again and lots of positive thoughts about the future. The only difference is there's a lot more written down this time and consequently I have tangible evidence that the practical side isn't keeping up with the theory.
So what to do? firstly don't pull the list together until first thing in the morning. Make notes and list things to do but wait till the "last minute" to prioritise. Another benefit of this would be I'll have to get up abit earlier to have a little peace and quiet to put the thing together. Once done there's nothing (several hours of sleep, for instance) between completing it and making a start on it.
So lets see what tomorrow brings. Onwards and upwards :-)

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Day 8

The end of my first blog week and what have I found out? Nothing startlingly new but I'm more able to quantify what I need to avoid and what has to be there each day for me to actually move onwards and upwards :-)

Now life up till this point hasn't been a total failure. I've got two good kids, most of my House is paid for and no one is chasing me for money. So I'm better off than 99% of the world population but I'm just going with the flow and through the motions. What if I actually took control of my life and stopped making excuses??????

So here begins week 2. Onwards and Upwards :-)

Monday, 19 April 2010


Well this will be short and sweet as time is flying by and I'm not getting much done for the effort being put in. I'm finding that I'm adding to my list, things I've done but we're not on the original list (bit like false accounting). So no more cheating, stick to the original list and if you don't finish it all then it can be added to another day. One other thing I've discovered today is, I don't like not being in control of what I'm doing. On Mondays I am "on call" for a large company covering most of NW and SW London. Some Mondays nothing happens, others you're all over the place. Details you're given are incomplete or wrong. You'll drive all the way into central London do the job drive all the way back then they'll call to ask if you're still there.

"No, I phoned you back and closed the job."

"Oh can you go back back we have another just round the corner from that."

That said, they pay you from the moment they call ,till the moment you get back. So why am I moaning? There, that's two more things I've discovered about me. "Short and sweet" will be anything but that and I'm a moaner. Onwards and upwards :-)

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Day 6

Well, I'm beginning to slip. Didn't fill out my "to do" list last night. It's 10:30 already, the sun's shining and I haven't done a thing yet (apart from sending a couple of emails). So this is it for the moment and I'll blog more later when I've got something to report........

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Day 5

The weekend is here and the sun's out. Meeting up with some old friends at lunch time and then on to watch Fulham (do you think the roots of my depression may lie there?). I also won £5.20 on the Euro Lottery last night, I might breeze through Harrods to spend my windfall.
The "to do" list is a little shorter today. It's mostly tying up a few things that didn't get done this week.
This evening I want to spend a bit of time moving some of the music on my ipod into a new category called "joy" or "happy" or something but it will be the stuff that brings back happy memories of my youth. Listening to the ska and reggae played by my neighbours in Brixton when I was about 10 and loads of soul from my teenage years. Then all the stuff I discovered as I went through my twenties and thirties and the music I ignored first time around. So they'll be some punk and 80's new wave.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Friday, 16 April 2010

Day 4

Worked a bit on my personal mission statement last night, it's a bit long and needs trimming down so will do a bit more tonight also a late visit to the gym meant I slept really well too. I've got an hour now, to squeeze in a couple of small jobs around the house before my first paying job of the day. I suppose keeping busy to fight your depression is much the same as having physio to get a broken leg working properly again. Trouble is whilst there is a strong desire to get your broken bones mended depression robs you of any positive thoughts. Anyway this blog is really about staying positive so lots to do and achieve today. Onwards and upwards people :-)

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Day 3

Not such an early start but a full "to do" list, so I should stay busy. Yesterdays list kept me going till just past seven. A few things on the list have been hanging around for a while now but were finished and there's a couple more like those on today's list as well. Also today a second visit for the week is planned to the gym. It's not something I look forward to but afterwards feel so much better for it.
Keeping busy hasn't aloud me to dwell in a nice warm pool of self pity. So in the short term I'm moving forward but I'll need to keep reading and trying different things out to see if I can find a more permanent fix.
I'm not sure if the Magnesium tabs are working on improving my mental well being. They certainly are having an effect on my more frequent visits to the loo though.
Anyway onwards and upwards everyone :-)

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Day 2

I'm up relatively early to get my daily entry here done and off to work. Last night I did my "to do" list for today and once I've completed this that will be one item to cross off so the day starts well.
"To do" lists? Well many years ago when I was working for a company in Knightsbridge, they had a very nice lady who came in a couple of time to show us all the benefits of "to do" lists. How to prioritise the items on them how to update them as the day progressed and how to review them. Now you may think doing a list is a complete waste of time but believe me we all become very efficient junior managers strolling round with our lists, crossing items off and adding new ones as we went about our business. Over the years and as my jobs have change I've reverted back to lists but only in a very half hearted way until now.
During my web searching several sites suggest staying busy gives you less time to sink deeper into your depression. so I'm back on "to do" lists in a big way. Most of the ten items on my daily list are work related (it's where I spend most of my day) but there are a couple of things on there aimed at family and friends and most important a this early stage there should be something there for you. A little bit of your day will be spent doing something you enjoy and benefits you 100% and at the end of the day you can look back over your list see what you've achieved. Write out you next list and go to sleep knowing things have moved forward. Have a positive day :)

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Day 1..

So my blogging journey starts right here, at 12:22 pm on a bright sunny day. A good omen? well maybe but I'm hoping the typed content is what drives me forward and not the vagaries of the British weather (then I really would be in trouble). There's a growing list of links, to pages I've been to and have got something from. I'm already a week into taking a magnesium food supplement, a couple of days into list making and last night I wrote out a "personal mission statement". More about all of that in the coming days.
That's it for now (I need to get to grips with the blog layout and how things work). However the promise I'm making (to me), here and now is to type something everyday and to move forward everyday, albeit a hand full of letters and a few steps but forward none the less.