Sunday, 9 May 2010

Days 26&27

Well I've missed a few days. I'd like to say it's because things are going well and I've been busy. Truth is I've never felt so low, absolutely rock bottom. No one to talk to, no straws to clutch at, no future worth looking towards and literally a heavy heart.
Oddly enough the only faint positive is seeing these words appear on the screen. A bit like reading a puzzle and then trying to solve it.
1. Talk to someone? there is nobody I want to talk to. I suppose there are a few friends who would listen and offer some advice but I don't want to burden them with my woes. I don't want to admit to anyone how I feel, I don't want to appear weak.
2. Straws? usually there's something there to build on. If not a straw then a small crumb of hope but not today. Nothing.
3. The Future? god that looks bleak. It's all littered with my unfinished projects staring at me like starving children blocking out any light that might be gathering on the horizon.

So nothing there, that will help me in the short term from the first two. Maybe picking up and finishing something from the third? well it will keep me busy, take my mind off things. I could have the radio on in the background. It would be a start. More importantly it would be me doing it. Picking myself up and moving (maybe swaying would be a better word) forward. Forward, a positive word at last, is that the sun beginning to shin outside, can I here birds singing in the trees? well not quite but a little humour creeping in, it's a start.
It's just occurred to me that my life is a bit like a game of snakes and ladders, you go up a few rungs and get a brief glimpse of the future. Then you land on a snake and you're worse off than you were before. Now there lies another small positive. I don't remember ever not finishing a game of snakes and ladders :-)
Onwards and upwards.
Ok I'm keeping busy, I've also filled a large glass with water. Every time I start to feel a little blue I take a sip. I might well be a depressive but I'm going to have lovely clear radiant skin. So I've found an upside to my downside ha ha.

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