Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Day 390. Me time.

I worked over the weekend. So this morning I laid in till ten and started my day slowly. I sorted a couple of things out. Went to the Bank and then started work.

I got home and did some tidying up in the garden. So I'm beginning to take a bit of interest in the things around me. Which can only be a good thing.

Sorry today's entry is short and sweet.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Days 387 and 388. The weekend review.

It's Tuesday so this review is late. Partly due to the fact that my pay-as-you-go dongle ran out and I was also on call over the weekend. I'm up and running again so here it is.

The last week has had it's ups and downs. I'm still surprised that I'm surprised that things still go badly sometimes. I do tend to lump all the bad stuff together. So it all seems to be insurmountable. In an effort to deal with this I'm going to get a little cabinet with lots of little draws in and put each problem into it's own draw. The cabinet will represent all my problems (mostly financial) and as I tackle and clear a problem I shall stick a smiley face on the front of the draw. The more smiley faces the higher up the mountain I've got.

It's also apparent, that I'm not good at giving myself credit for the things I do achieve. As yet I've not got an answer for how I can resolve that one but I'll let you know.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)  

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Day 386. Things are becoming repetitive.

Yesterday was another long day. Surprisingly it didn't feel a long day but there isn't much time left at the end of it. A shower then bed. To be honest, with the new flat mates in place the later the better. I'm not normally anti-social but I'm finding it hard to accept somebody else in my space.

Things are becoming a bit repetitive. I guess as the main barriers are overcome things will settle into a more slower rate of change.

I'll need to fill my day with something a bit more interesting and get out of this lull.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Day 385. Maybe I'll go to the gym!

Firstly, sorry for missing a couple of days. Tuesday I popped over to my neighbours for a drink and a chat. I wobbled home after midnight and then woke up at 4am on the sofa. A great night but a very sore head for most of Wednesday.

Wednesday was spent pressure testing again. So a bit stressful but managed to sort all the little problems and things are finally moving on.

Have I mentioned my new flat mates, brought in to stop me going bust. Well things haven't got off to a good start. I'm surprised how house proud I've become and how easily irritated I am about washing up left over night and lights left on. I've turned into my Dad.

My copy of Mark Gardeners "The Pursuit of Happyness" arrived today. Another EBay purchase. I shall start reading it over the Easter weekend.

So my journey from despair continues and things are slowly improving and I'm modifying my behaviour.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Day 382. Getting there (wherever there is).

So I think the pressure test on the heating system I'm working on, is out of the way now. I need to make an early start tomorrow and if all goes well then the end is in sight.

I really do hope things can be a little more settled over the next few weeks. I need to sort a few things out so some free time and a little less stress would be wonderful.

Although I've been feeling stronger these last few weeks, the one step forwards one back has put a bit of a strain on things. There have been times when the idea of going to sleep and not waking up to anymore crap has seemed appealing. Trouble is how to do away with yourself. I once read about a Hollywood Actress who planned her suicide. Choice of evening gown, candles burning brightly etc but she got her doses wrong and ended up with her head down the toilet and everything covered in her vomit. (so pills are out) then there is the pipe up the exhaust. Trouble is my van has soooo many holes in it passers by run more of a risk to their health than I would, sitting in the thing. Lastly there is Phil Donahue's quote,
“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
That would play on my mind right to the end. So doing away with myself is not on the cards and you're stuck with me for the time being.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Days 380 and 381. The weekend review.

This week has found me tougher and less likely to believe or trust what people say. I don't think it's me becoming anything over than gaining some respect for myself and not excepting people taking me for granted.

This week has also found me at a very low despairing point. I haven't felt this low in a long time but I did recognize it for what was. A problem with very few options and a very short time scale. However I think I have covered the bulk of the problem for the moment.

On a more personal level I felt a little let down this week but have tackled that as well. I talked it through with MissG, without the usual feeling of I'm right your wrong. It didn't go all my way but there will be more opportunities to visit this again in the future. As I said earlier I have a growing respect for myself so won't let things get out of hand.

The weekend has gone well and the sun's shining so a good end and hopefully a bright start to next.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness. 

Friday, 15 April 2011

Day 379. A move in the right direction.

Yesterday wasn't brilliant mood wise and I felt a little let down by somebody. Which I'll come back to.

Work wise today went well. Pressure tested heating pipes and so far things have held up ok. I'll pop back tomorrow and check all is ok. Then I'll up the pressure a little and see how it copes with that. I hate pressure testing. If it goes wrong it's a lot of fiddly work to correct and a bit of a blow to the ego.

Lets go back to being "let down". Yesterday things went badly (my long term prospects are good but my short term ones veer from bad to worse) and my money situation is dire. Anyway I needed a friendly voice, so I texted MissG and asked her what she was doing (she's off work) as I needed someone to talk to. I needed to hear a familiar voice. I needed some support. She replied she was watching something on TV and would call back shortly (2 hours later). Am I being too sensitive? too clingy? I would of called back! So now I'm left to mull this over and ponder.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Day 378. Bad news and a half wasted day.

That's all you need to know about today. I'm not going to dwell on it.

I spoke yesterday about putting my problems in separate groups. So this weekend I'm going to see if I can find a little box with several draws in. I'll allocate the draws to separate parts of my life work, bills etc then I'll write a note for each "problem" put it in it's correct draw and then I'll tackle them as and when.

That's it for now. I shall make an effort to have a good day tomorrow.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness. 

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Day 377. Just some thoughts.

I've missed a couple of days. Partially due to being busy and away from my laptop but more importantly because I've had little to add, which hasn't already been written before.

So this morning I've been thinking about changes that may have just crept in or are in a queue waiting to be part of my daily or weekly life.

It seems no matter what time I need to wake up my body beats the alarm by an hour and I lie there and worry about a whole host of things. I've been trying a number of relaxation techniques but I'm struggling. Till today that is when I had a brain wave. Why not get up and get on! simple really.

Most of the things that I've added to my day to help improve it, have been simple. It does take the wind out of my sails a little to realize, that my "problems" can be reversed by simple measures. So were my problems simple ones? and does it matter now if they were. Well no it doesn't, what matters is I lead a better life.

Another thought occurred to me. When  I was feeling wretched did I lump all my problems into one big heap? which seemed impossible to solve or survive. Now that I'm beginning to get a grip on things am I breaking down this big heap into separate boxes. Personal, financial and work etc. Then tackling them individually. I'm not sure it's that simple but most of my core problems still exist plus a couple of new ones due to the split, but as time goes on it doesn't all seem so impossible.

Well that's enough thinking and typing. I need to just get stuck into implementing all these simple little measures and moving forwards.  

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Days 373 and 374. The weekend review.

Sorry I missed Friday. I had to drive down to Kent for a weekend with MissG so time was against me. It wasn't too bad a day. My mood remained high and it was a good end to the week.

So what of my week. Well as I've mentioned before. Each week brings something new for me absorb. This week, it's been the acceptance of my predicament. That the predicament is temporary and if I want to take control of how temporary it is, then I can. Thinking about it, isn't enough, getting up early, isn't enough. I'll have to think and act 24/7.

I spent most of the week alone. Partially because I worked long days and filled what was left with sleep and partially  because I was flat broke. Now in the past I was never a big fan of my own company but I'm warming to it. I'm growing to like the person I'm becoming. There's still a long way to go but there's a little pride growing in what I'm managing to achieve.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happiness :~)

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Day 371. A lovely day and me in good spirits.

Well I tried pushing little cats up trees and frog marching old ladies across the numerous roads of West London in an effort to make my blog a tad more entertaining but to no avail.

The weather was wonderful though and I was very bright and cheerful all day. So something is working. Old me would want to know exactly why. Now I'm going to go with the flow and enjoy the moment.

I'm tucked up in bed. Stiff and knackered from the last few days work. Hopefully I will sleep well and rise in the morning in the same happy mood as now.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 370. Another long day.

I won't bore you with details but my early night yesterday lead to a very restful sleep. A long day at work (I went on to a second job just after 4) finally finishing at around 10pm.

I don't know what's come over me. I do actually. I've toughened up abit and not to beat around the bush I need the money.

Oh and before I forget I went home (my old home) to change some lights in the bathroom and sit down with my ex and discuss how things are to progress. We got on well and have a bit of a plan. I'm really sad that things went the way they did. She's a nice person but we were really unhappy together.

I've just reread today's entry. Isn't it boring. Sorry I shall try and be more exiting tomorrow. Save a little kitten from falling out of a tree or something like that.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~) 

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Day 369. How can I explain that!

For a while now things have been getting a little better. However the underlying feelings are that of loneliness and sadness. I've not mentioned them too often recently as it waters down any progress I feel I might be making. Today however it kind of dawned on me.

I am lonely, I'm a little sad too but it doesn't matter anymore. It's only temporary. If I keep getting up in the morning and going off to work, or off in search of work then something will happen sooner or later and when it does I'm ready to grab it.

I'm broke and will be for quiet sometime to come. Getting out for the odd beer with friends is a none starter. So my feelings of loneliness are expected and again temporary.

My acceptance of my feelings and situation is an unexpected but happy occurrence. It's another step towards something better. I'm not out of the woods yet but I think I may have stumbled on a path to follow.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Monday, 4 April 2011

Day 368. An OK day.

I could list a number of things I didn't do today. As that springs to mind first and not the things I did get done today, which I'd have trouble remembering. Seeing as my head is filled with all the negative things.

Well I shall spend the evening thinking positive thoughts and get things ready for a wonderful day of achievement, laughter and brilliance.

Shall we take bets on whether I can pull it off !

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)   

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Days 366 and 367. The years review.

It's been a year now since I started this blog and what a year. It started with me walking away from my marriage and making a start on rebuilding my life.

I know I've learned alot about who I am and how I got here. I think I have learned a few things that will move me forwards. Both professionally and personally.

Lists, honey before bed, 28 day habits, a better diet and some exercise are all straight forward and simple things but they are effective and make a difference. So I need to concentrate on making sure that I do these basics.

More ingrained bad habits. Like avoiding issues and underestimating how long things will take. Are taking me a bit longer to correct. I can see the sense in it and how it clears the muddy waters of work and financial pressure but I still have a tendency to avoid it. So something else to work on.

Overall it's been a very positive year. I'm a better man now and someone with a growing sense of purpose. I'm beginning to cope on my own in a way I'm happy with. I've discovered skills I didn't know I had. I must admit I thought that my blues would be abit like a cold. You take something to cure it and off you go, happy. The reality is, it's going to be apart of the rest of my life. How much a part, depends on me and how strong I can become. I have to admit for the last couple of weeks I've felt lonely. I know this is only temporary and to be honest a period of being lonely might not be a bad thing. Just focus on what needs to be done and do it. I wouldn't have been able to say that six months ago!

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Friday, 1 April 2011

Day 365. Happy birthday Blog !

It's becoming more and more difficult to get each days entry done. Partly because I'm working abit longer and partly after a whole year things are getting a bit repetitive.

Today for the most part things didn't go according to plan or were a complete nightmare. Fortunately it came good in the end. If work continues to creep in at it's present rate I might start to climb out of my financially black hole by the summer.

I had a date with MissG last night. It's the one time where I forget about everything else and become normal for a few hours. Hopefully we'll spend more time together as the year rolls on.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)