Sunday, 31 July 2011

The weekend review.

I'm going to drop all the numbers at the front of the title. It's starting to look like a formula for hydrogen. Which as we all know is an element of the air we breath and my blogs are sometimes a lot of hot air :-)

The weeks blog has been filled with the "MissG saga" which I guess to most of you would have been so much hot air but I'm middle aged and broken hearted, so give me a break..

Well we met for the first time yesterday. I spent Friday evening working out what to say and what to wear. Saturday morning a quick visit to the gym and then home. Shaved, showered and drenched in aftershave I went over my lines one last time and headed for the car. If my appearance didn't stun her my aftershave was going to knock her off her feet.

Well for a break up the date was a huge success. We walked down to a pub near by, unfortunately it was closed. Which on reflection wasn't such a bad thing seeing as it's quite small and my aftershave was still pretty overpowering  Anyway we sat on the wall outside and I went through my lines. Apologised for a couple of things. One of which was, not listening. Any male readers out there, please take a quick mental note. You can send bunches of flowers and little presents every day of your life but if you don't listen. You're in the poo big time. When that had finished I suggested we change venue to a different pub. One where we had had only happy dates. I tried as much as possible to keep things light and bright. Then after a couple of hours I drove her home and we said our goodbyes.

Before you reach for the tissues, stop. I'm not about to give up just yet. I kind of have a plan and there were one or two little things that happened which give me a little hope.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness. :-)

more later.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Day 463+18-1 Another Day another step forward.

  If I put aside the blue stuff I'm trying to work through and just look at how I've got by and lived for the past year I really haven't done too badly. I've gone from a family man (all be it a sad one) to a single man. From a man who never smiled to one that does, albeit not as often as I should. Now I really hate being on my own and knew this before the split but I guess I was unconsciously willing to accept that in the short term. For what hopefully, could be achieved long term. Well things have well and truly been turned upside down in the last few weeks. I thought I had found that long term happiness but alas.....................................

  ........Actually I'm not quite ready to role over and surrender. I'm not about to give up on this relationship just yet. For the moment I've lost the battle. I suppose the sensible thing to do would be get over it and move on but if I was sensible. I'd still be married, slightly over weight and miserable. Wouldn't I. So I'm going to go with my gut feeling and fight on.
  I need to carry on with all the things I've been trying to do to fix and repair myself and make sure I'm "fit for purpose". Then, whenever then is! I shall don my new shiny armour and take to the field once again. Deluded, well maybe a bit but don't forget I support Fulham and delusion gets delivered with your season ticket. We are all extraordinary people capable of extraordinary feats. I've found my feat. Now to grow the extraordinary bit.

  Another nocturnal visit to the gym and surprise surprise. I've lost a bit more weight. I'm now 212lb.This of all my blogs has been the most satisfying and fun to write.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Ps. Now I don't want you to run away with the idea that all is wonderful with team Spanner. Those times before I fall asleep and just after I wake are tough but they would be for anybody getting over the end of a relationship. I do sleep well and there's porridge for breakfast so it's not all bad.

Day 463+17-1 Managed to do everything on my Short Term Goals :-)

   As the title says did all the things on my STG today. I'm not turning cartwheels but then I'm not in the mood to at the moment. I do recognize however as being important. Each day I can achieve my STG's is another step towards better "self worth" and "self love".

  As I said before (+15-1) I am at my best when putting up a fight, when I want something. That feeling has been missing for several years, in fact I'd almost forgotten I could feel that way. Well that fighting feeling is returning. It used to be for materials things, car, house etc etc. Now I'm going to put this to a totally different use. I want to bring out all those separate elements inside me pull them together and be the success I know can be. At last, things seem to be forming into something  solid, something very useful.

“I CAN is 100 times more important than IQ.” — unknown

  In answer to yesterdays comment from Med. The gym stays open 24hours, so a late visit means it's emptier and after a shower and a short walk home I'm ready to sleep. Soups and fish pie are almost my entire culinary repertoire plus porridge lol.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

PS. I was going to leave this for a later blog but I spoke on the phone to MissG last night. It wasn't a call out of the blue. She had texted to say she would phone. We're meeting on Saturday. Things are over but tellingly not finished. So more in a later blog when my thinking is a little more settled. To do that I need to replace thinking about what "could of been with MissG" to "what's best for me now". Simple really but then aren't all the good ideas simple and vice versa.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Day 463+16-1. Normal service has resumed

It took me a while to get out of my blue funk yesterday. I started by making some food for the next few days broccoli & stilton soup. Some potato salad and a small fish pie. Straightened the flat. Went out to do some work at around 4 and got home at 9 then wandered off to the gym. I'm down another half pound. That doesn't sound much but actually I've lost two pounds of fat and gained one and a half in muscle lol

Contact with MissG is very patchy. I have to say, that hand on heart I think I been very gentle in trying to persuade her to open up a bit but it hasn't worked yet. So for the moment I need to move on. The horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach will still be there though. I'll let time resolve that and what's left of the relationship if any. It's sad but it feels the right thing to do..

Two things I've realised over the last forty eight hours. Firstly whatever I'm doing my mind is on the next task. I'm not living in the moment, now that may be due in part, to what's happening to me at the moment. Although I have to say looking back it's something I've been guilty of in the past.

The second and by far the more important of the two is the support I've received from two people I've never met. One of them is Med.  He has a family and his own demons to fight but he always finds the time to send me useful words of support. Good support can make a huge impact and I thank both these people for their care and input.

So hopefully I'm back into positive mode. Forget hopefully, I am back in positive mode.

Onwards and upwards in pursuit of happyness :-)

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Day 463+15-1. A temporary halt.

Yesterday was a difficult day. My thoughts continually returned to MissG. Just to bring you up to speed we went away for a few days almost a month ago and on our return she texted me to say she had doubts about whether she wanted a relationship or not. I thought the mini holiday had gone really well and we'd become closer. I suppose that's why it's been such a shock. Since then things have been in limbo. We haven't spoken and I've kept texts and emails to a minimum to give her some space to think things through. Part of me accepts that she'd like to end things but is trying to do it gently. Part of me holds out hope that all will come good.

I'm going to take the day off today. I didn't have any work booked in and was just going to tie up a few loose ends.Instead I'll straighten things out at home and try and get my head straight.

Not the most inspiring of blogs. Setbacks are part of life. I can either give in or find a way of moving forward. There are people out there dealing with far worse things on a daily basis. I'm becoming abit too self centred and wimp like. Sorry. Much better things to come.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

PS. Thanks for the comment Med. I really appreciate your input. However the only person who can help me is me. Supports important particularly at the moment but I have to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind to put it to good use. Hence the last paragraph. I'm much better when I'm fighting back and I'm beginning to feel the fight return. Your comment hastened it's return and I'm in your debt. Spanner.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Day 463+15. Separating feelings.

Thank goodness for a piece of advice I received from Med. He pointed out, that my blues and my feelings over the break up of my relationship with MissG were separate.
The blues I'm dealing with and moving on. The heartache I'm experiencing over MissG is a normal reaction to a really sad situation and will lessen as time goes on.
I suppose with all the turmoil going on in the background with work, or the lack of it and other financial problems it was inevitable and will prove a pivotal moment albeit a very sad one, in my life.
I spent most of yesterday and guess most of today will be taken up thinking about her.

To change the subject to something far more important. Today in Norway at midday (11am GMT) there will be a minutes silence for those who died there so tragically. There have been several terrible events around the World this weekend. My thoughts are with the friends and families of those who have lost someone.

There are many reason's for me to move out of my funk. None more so than to stand shoulder to shoulder with people trying to make the World a better place.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness.

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Day 463+13&14 The weekend review.

So another week gone and I'm closer to where I want to be, happier and funnier. I'd also like to weigh half a stone less and have chiseled good looks and the body of a Greek god (not Zeus though as he always looks like a fat git in paintings) but  that would probably require another stint of therapy to get me over that particular delusion.
  What have I learned? well firstly there are things from my past that can help me reach a better future. The "what would Chris Gardner do" trigger I use to snap out of the wrong thinking was something I learned years ago. Then it was a tune you hummed in your head to stop you thinking about something. I don't know why I stopped that, as it was a great way to exit an anxious moment. You have to pick a tune that's easy to remember and it helps if it's something inane as well. mine was a "Slade" number. I hated them as a teenager and you couldn't get away from hearing them, they were everywhere. so the mear act of humming it cleared your head in seconds.
  Secondly, The right way to deal with miserable people. Telling me there are people starving in Africa doesn't make me feel better. It makes it worse. How the hell can another poor souls misery (which is a million times worse than my own) help. It's also callous, for someone to use their (the Africans) misery to illustrate a point. What does work is someone pointing out that something you said or did is the right thing to do or a step forward. Med, a fellow misery guts (and is it any wonder, he's married with a kid has two dogs. He's trying to run a small business and his daily blogs take longer to read than a Sunday newspaper, no wonder he's fed up) has sent me several messages of support this week. Some with references to other useful sites or organizations. It's simple, it makes me feel like I really do possess the answers to my problems. which as we all know we do, it's just one of those all to easy things we forget in life. Like where we parked the car or the log in to your Bank account when your in a hurry.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Friday, 22 July 2011

Day 463+12. The best day so far.

  Normal I wake up and start to worry but yesterday morning I woke up and nothing. So I just lay there for a couple of minutes, a bit puzzled as to why I wasn't worrying about something.
Still unable to worry I got up made some breakfast and started typing. Once the blog was posted I got dressed put a few things in the van. Including my little collage, which has turned out really well. Then off to work.
  I managed to remain pretty focused throughout the day. In the evening I met up with some friends and we went to a very wet Craven Cottage and watched Fulham beat Crusaders 4-0 in the latest round of the Europa Cup.
  Once home I got changed and popped down to the gym. I'm really pleased with the way I'm starting to keep moving forward and whenever my mind starts to wander the way I stop it and refocus. It isn't 100%
but it's working more often than not.
  I wanted today's blog to be funny. To mark such a good positive day but I got a really upbeat text from MissG late n the afternoon and this has upset the equilibrium abit. It initially lifted me but then and now I'm not so sure.  Anyway she's asked to meet up, I need to put it out of my mind for the moment. As much as I've accepted things, confirmation of the break will be painful. Anyway lets get back to the positives.The day was full of pluses though and for me that's the important thing.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Day 463+11

  Waking up is probably the worst part of my day at the moment. My first thoughts are of MissG. I check the phone for messages. Even though the little red light isn't blinking I still open the phone to check. How sad! It does however get me out of bed, there is little point in dwelling on something I can do nothing about at the moment. Fortunately there's always something I can find to do at this time in the morning  I'll call it an "sp" (sad plus).
  I didn't feel 100% so stayed in and straightened the flat. Once things looked tidier I felt the urge to go out and do a bit of work (urge is probably too strong a word but hey I'm trying to be positive).
  Anyway after work I went back to my old home to see the other big love of my life, my ex. We discussed whether to sell the house and how that will affect all of us. We'd both prefer to keep it. So much love and effort went into that house and garden and it's the only home our two daughters have ever known. However It's putting me in a really tough spot financially.
  My ex has some savings which she's going to withdraw so we can settle some short term debt. This will allow us a few months to see if we can refinance. Which hopefully will allow me to put a deposit down on a flat and feel more secure. I've made a huge effort to keep the upheaval of our split to a minimum but I'm incredibly touched by the kindness she has shown towards me lately. Our split is permanent, there is no chance of us getting back together. No one else was involved, we just had some fundamental differences which didn't change over the 25 years we were married so won't now. Again it's a plus, albeit another "sp" but I'm very lucky that she's still around and plays apart in my life.
  So there you have it. Emotionally a sad day but there were on balance more good things there than bad.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

463+10. Bad start but a strong finish.

Felt very odd when I woke up yesterday  morning. It did say on the meds leaflet that I might feel like this for the first couple of days. Anyway after a hearty breakfast of cold pizza and a bottle of vodka I felt fine (not really) It was toast and marmalade :-).
I was a little wobbly for most of the day and seriously fed up but I kept plugging away with "what would Chris Gardener do" as and when my mood dipped. I'm using it as a trigger to switch from what I'm doing, not doing, thinking not thinking to get me back on track. By the late afternoon it was working fine.
So there I am, not exactly setting the world alight (just keeping it mildly warm) when two little jobs come in via friends I'd given quick calls to over the last few days. So my climb to financial security starts, lol.
I guess I can't be or feel positive 24/7 but the more effort I make to be there, the more it seems to reward me.
I went to the gym and I've lost half a pound since last Thursday. I calculate that if I can keep that up I'll be invisible by September 2012

I'm thinking very hard about the words I say and type. Miserable sounds less harsh than depression. Good is a million times better than ok.........
 So for now, you beautifully talented wonderful people I wish you all positive joy filled days full of love and laughter. Am I over doing it?

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Day 463+9. Good morning,

Well I'm now officially miserable. I came away from the Doctors yesterday with my first prescription for Anti Depressants. I have mixed emotions. They're designed to help which is good but it feels like a bit of a defeat to know you need the chemical to get you back on your feet. Actually I'll take that back, how often have I had a couple of large glasses of red wine to help with the enjoyment of an evening. Or an extra slice of cake because the first was so good :-)

I got a little work done yesterday. I'm aiming to get more done today. Once home I spent a bit of time on a late wedding present for a friends daughter and her new husband. I managed to collect bits of the wedding. An order of service card, confetti, a cork, ribbon, streamers and a picture of the happy couple. I'm making a collage of all the bits in a box frame. it's shaping up nicely and I'm getting a boost from doing it.

I've also changed the layout on the blog. I've put in some goals. Staying focused is a bit of a problem with me. So it should help to get in the right frame of mind while I type this and eat my porridge. I'm tinkering with other areas too. A bit of a face lift to bring a more positive feel to the whole thing.

Lastly, had a good read of the literature which accompanied the AD's and apparently loss of sexual drive is one of the side affects. Which considering my newly acquired single status is a positive. It's been a thin day for pluses so I'm really clutching at straws lol.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness (and a missing sex drive) :-)

Monday, 18 July 2011

Day 463+8. Now I'm a morning blogger :-)

Writing the blog at night seems to take up abit too much time and sends me to bed thinking. So now the plan is to write it in the morning over breakfast. I enjoy writing the blog so I'll need to get up early, a plus and in the evenings I'll go to the gym (well not every evening). Come home tired and sleep like a baby (cry and wet the bed :-)). Another plus, sleeping that is, not wetting the bed.

Yesterday I had a list of things to do and I made a start. Then a friend called and offered to buy me lunch. He knows what a crap week I'd had and despite the fact we've only met up a few times recently with a big gap in the middle going back to when we were in our early twenties. He behaved like he'd been around for ever. After lunch he helped me with the other bits and pieces I needed to get done. So a really positive day. Well almost. Driving him back home, while waiting for a set of traffic lights to change I thought of MissG and could feel my good spirits draining away. Why should a day with so many good things in it suddenly turn into a bad day? Well bollocks to that, it was a good positive day with good things happening and that's how it's going to be recorded here.

The Doctors this morning, then off to find some work. Letters to be typed in the evening and another visit to the gym. I'm not over doing it there. Just some light exercise, to keep my mind off things and help with the sleep.

Post Scriptum

I'm struggling with all of this. The break up of my relationship and the manner in which it was done has really knocked me sideways the pain is awful. It won't change the way I'm doing things, finding the positives wherever they are and listing them, so as to build a step to stand on and see a little further up the road. I just needed to type it out. looking at it on the page is helpful. It kind of wraps it up in a little parcel, which I can leave behind for now and get on with the day a head. Which is a plus, albeit a sad one.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Saturday, 16 July 2011

463+7 The weekend review.

So here I sit on a Sunday morning. Editing my review of the week. I'm glad I change how I go about the blog. As this week has been the culmination of bad events and poor judgement but as I've just focused on extracting the positives. It's allowing me to sit here and feel a little inspired by the man who is coming kicking and screaming through the wreckage. Me.

I shall update my profile later today so it better reflects who I am now. I'm also tinkering with the idea of changing the name of the blog. I don't want depression to be the all important part of my life or blog. I want something that better expresses who I am and where I'm aiming to be.

More thoughts on Self Worth.

I had to do a quote on Thursday evening. It was in Central London so instead of driving in I took the tube and a book. On the way back, there was a guy standing near me. Tall, slim, fit, nicely tanned and about my age. I thought I'd like to look like that. Anyway when the train came in and we got on I was standing next to him, both of us holding on to the rail. First thing I noticed was we both were the same colour (tan wise) and if anything I was a bit taller. I'll admit he was in slightly better shape but not much. So surprise, surprise I'm almost the person I'd like to be, on the outside at least. I can't believe the image in my head is so out of sync with the real thing (+1). Don't get me wrong I'm no George Clooney, I have the kind of good looks that are best suited to Radio.


MissG broke up with me this week. In part (a large part) because I'm a failure (financially). It hurts to admit it but it's true. Overall I haven't done badly and have good skills but I have let myself down over the years and let opportunities slide. She isn't being unreasonable either. At our age (maybe any age) I think a woman has a deep-seated need to feel a man can protect and look after her. MissG doesn't expect a free ride or need to be looked after. Far from it, she's a very independent woman who brought up three children successfully on her own while working and getting additional qualifications on the way. I guess what's spooked her is the fear I may talk the talk but can't walk the walk as her ex did.
My task, is to turn the pain I feel into actions, be it a gesture or a letter of my love with the intent to win her back. I also need to get my life generally back on track.

My life.

This road I'm on, sometimes chosen, sometimes stumbled upon is the only road my life is destined to follow. Do I just follow it blindly or do I ask the way or buy a map. Doesn't need a rocket scientist to work that one out, lol.

Onwards and Upwards in the Pursuit of Happyness :-)

Friday, 15 July 2011

463+7. "Self Worth".

The last day of my "positives only" first week. It was the worst week to start but with time, may prove to have been the best week to start.

I'm pretty much at the bottom. The feeling is a bit like the one you have as you're driving along with the fuel light on red and there isn't a garage in sight. My next line (which has probably been my mantra all my adult life) would of begun "with a bit of luck". Well it isn't going to be that anymore. There is still a danger I might grind to a halt in a few days metaphorically speaking but if I do? Well I'm just going to deal with it. My new unofficial mantra shall be "he who fails to plan, plans to fail"

I didn't get to the gym last night I got home around 8 and after having something to eat it was too late and I was tired. I did go this morning though and there's the positive to focus on not the negative of last nights broken promise. This is also where the title of today's blog comes into play. I've been doing a little web reading on self worth and it's going to require a bit more before I can really get to grips with it. However the one change I have made is my "walk tall" edict. I'm a tall bloke but I walk along with my head down and shoulders hunched and a miserable face. So there you have the outward sign of my lack of any self worth. Walking tall means head and chest up and what passes for a smile (it's kind of a cross between a smile and sucking a lemon). I'm also trying to fill the pavement with me, my presence. That may sound a little daft but it's having a strangely positive effect on me. I've yet to bring traffic to a halt but you'll be the first to know if I manage that feat lol.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Thursday, 14 July 2011

463+6. 216lb

Went to the gym last night. So the 216lb in the title refers to my weight. I have a bit of a tummy nothing outrageous, I can still see my feet without leaning forward but it would be good to tighten things up a bit. With my currant single status and the way, being in the gym keeps my mind off things I hope to spend a bit more time there in the near future.

Along with my renewed interest in exercise is my growing curiosity into my "self worth". I've been bumping around at the very bottom of my life recently and losing MissG has confirmed my rock bottom status. So time now to rebuild. With my awful financial position and the way it consumes all my waking hours I'm unable to be part of a relationship. However much I want to, I'm just going to mess it up. Time is known as a healer. So I'll stick to the positives and I hope that in a few months time I can win her back.

I spoke at length to a friend. Told him everything and how I intended to get myself out of it.

I made an appointment with the Doctor. I saw him about a year ago and had a blood test. Which didn't show anything wrong but there is. So back I go on Monday.

Proper food and another short trip to the gym this evening. So there are plenty of positives to pull out of a day I would have run away from in the past.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Day 463+5

Well I've picked the wrong week to start my "lets be positive" campaign. MissG has moved on. I'm not sure if it's permanent (I have a bad feeling it maybe). We all know how that feels, so there's no need to say much more. Except to say in the short time we were together (ten months) I felt loved and that can't be taken away can it and will always remain with me.

OK on to the positive stuff. I've managed to walk tall with my head up and a smile on my face today. I'm cooking something healthy for tea and later I'll take myself off to the gym. For the moment at least with the split I can just concentrate on me. Firstly my physical well being. The right food, exercise and enough good sleep. There are books to read and the new football season is only a month away. So there will be Saturday afternoons when I can be a kid again and watch Fulham play.

PS Please don't think I'm being flippant. I'm not, there's a horrible knotted pain deep in my belly with regard to the break up with MssG but I'm determined to keep with the positive and move.....

....Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Day 463+4. More small steps

Another day, a fresh chance to do something. Where else in life do we get fresh chances to do things? a lot of us make it more difficult for ourselves by viewing it as an extension of what's come before and not a fresh chance (I've been a member of that camp lol).

I made a list this morning of things to do today. I completed four of seven. So I'm in the positive. When I got home from work my neighbour Peter invited me over for a drink. It was nice to talk about our children and where we think we went wrong and where we got it right. Funny how we both had similarities.

Bedtime now.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Monday, 11 July 2011

Day 463+3.

A plus day is any day where I can record something positive. It doesn't need to be 24 hours of stress free joy. Just something that makes me feel good and or needed.

So today I needed to pick up a parcel and got to walk in the sunshine (the important thing here is the fact that I realized how good it felt to walk in the sunshine).
I cooked something for lunch for me and had a huge slice of melon to go with it ( again the important thing, I did something for me that benefits me).

There should be a few more little plus's to add later but I want to publish this early as I've been trying to add a comment  to my fellow blogger Med's page but I'm having problems getting the comment onto the page. If you're out there Med my thoughts are with you :-)

I got the van straight, there were tools all over the place and then went off to finish a job this afternoon. Although there was more I would of liked to have achieved today. It's still a plus day. It's a beginning. At the end of this week I shall be able to look back on a series of pluses.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Day 463+2

On the whole it's been a plus day. The flats clean and tidy, I've ironed loads of shirts. I have lots of nice shirts given to me by my gay couple friends John and Jeremy. Every time I open the wardrobe I think what lovely shirts. I'm now in the mood to wear them. MissG is coming over next weekend so a good time to start.

Anyway I digress. I've spent the afternoon at my old house. My ex and daughters are on holiday so I'm here to feed the cats and water the plants. I'm feeding off the positives and consciously ignoring the negatives.

Everyday has ups and downs for everyone. The majority just concern themselves with the ups without a second thought. A few (me included) can let a minor down, affect the whole day and sometimes more.

As I've said before the blogs here to be an aid to move out of the gloom and into the sunshine and not just a record of how I feel. That said, if I hadn't used it as a record I wouldn't have reached this stage. Just like most things in life it has to pay it's way. So lets all get positive.

Before you go to bed, while cleaning your teeth look in the mirror and with your mouth full of toothpaste say "Spanner has wished me a good nights sleep". It may do nothing for you but tomorrow when I check how many views I've had it will make me smile to think a few of you did it and it will start my day off the right way.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Day 463+1.

Over the last couple of days I've been reading other blogs. Some good, some not so good. On the whole though, they are similar in vein to my own. This blog was is meant to be a way forward for me. I think though it's got a bit bogged down and I'm just recording how I feel.

It needs to be part of what moves me forward and not just a snapshot in time. So I'm going to change the way I use it. If I move forward it's a plus day. If it's backwards then it's a minus. Simple. My aim is to have more plus days than minus ones. I don't want a normal life I want something more. I'm willing to invest the time and effort that's necessary. I've wasted a fair bit of time up to now. I'm better off with what I've learned over the past 460 odd days. So I intend to push on.

The picture is one I took earlier this week in Monet's garden at Giverny.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Friday, 8 July 2011

Day 463. Back to reality.

Well my few days away with MissG are over. It wasn't the best time to go away but it was paid for and a break. Taking all things into consideration it was the thing to do.

It went well. Apart from two galleries we'd hoped to visit, were closed on the days we were there. Still the city of Rouen and Giverny, the village where Monet spent the last years of his life were in full bloom and we bumped into several characters during our short visit.

We spent our last day in Ypers, Belgium. A pretty town with a terrible past. 500,000 people died in and around the area during the Great War (1914-1918) It was totally rebuilt after the war. Many of the buildings replica's of what had stood there before. The history and terrible loss are handled well, It has a huge memorial to the fallen "The Menin Gate" to the east of the town. It's inscribed with over 54,000 names of Allied troops with no known graves. When it was offically opened in 1927 Field Marshal Herbert Plumer said in his address "He is not missing he is here". The local museum also makes the retelling of the episode personal by letting you follow individuals through their tragic journey at Ypers . The town is small enough to walk in a day and we were lucky the weather was good. There are also a lot of pavement cafes to sit and watch the world go by. Something MissG likes to do a little too often.

The only downside was the journey home. I don't know if it's the fact we are both coming back to work and all the associated rubbish that comes with that but we seem to move apart and away from the closeness that built up while we were away.  Funny thing was, I've been reading Mark Gardners "The pursuit of happyness" and just as I'm hitting a bit of an odd time, emotionally. He's going through a very rough time as well. I was tempted to mention this to MissG but I think, this time I'll put the emphasis on the good and see where that takes us.

I'm typing this at MissG's. So haven't faced the several issues waiting for me at home. So this seems a good place to finish for the moment and deal with what's waiting for me under a separate day.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Days 457 and 458. The weekend review.

Well there's not much to review. I only managed to make two entries this week. It hasn't been a good week. My flat mates did a bunk owing a months rent. So I changed the lock and now, realising they screwed up they are trying to claim I've evicted them.
I need to find £600 asap to pay their missing contribution. I thought I would have given in but I rose to the challenge and got it sorted (most of it, the little shits are visiting every solicitor in the area and claiming their free 15 minute consultation to cause as much grief as they can) and managed to keep work going as well. I also fitted in a Fulham game on Thursday night and a trip down to see MissG on Friday evening. Who said only woman can multi task lol.
I'd planned a week away with MissG and I'm not going to cancel it now. We're at a bit of a cross roads presently. So the week away will do us good, I hope. It will either move us forward or make us realise this is the end. I hope it's not the latter. I love her dearly and am happy to fight and scrap to preserve the relationship.
I'd like to go on but I need to getting packing. I won't be adding much for the next few days but promise to update on the week on Friday 8th, till then.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)