Thursday, 1 March 2012

Failure and Success.

   How do I react to these two words? firstly just reading them. I'm drawn to failure, that's where I see me. I don't even want to dwell on the word success. Failure seems far more comfortable. I know I can't fall any lower. Success on the other hand seems to require constant effort and at any moment it all might crumble.
   How would I label parts of my life? When did failure or success start to feature? I was a pretty normal kid. Interested in girls, music and clothes. Acne was the only spoiler I can think of and most of us have to deal with that.
   Art College was my first brush with failure I ducked out after the second year, never to return. Jobs came and went. I'd last about two years at most and when things didn't go the way I'd hoped, I was off. I lasted eight or nine years with Harrods but then the place was so big you could transfer around a bit if you were keen to get on or things were getting a bit stagnant . I can honestly say though, that work was never really something that got me down. A bit pissed off, yes maybe but not down.
   My marriage on the other hand did. It soon lost it's shine and there was a constant list (mine)of things to get or do that would make both of us happy and a 'never content' feeling (her), with what we had, compared to our friends. To be honest they didn't have anything special either but my ex would always cherry pick. The A's had a better car, the B's a better kitchen, the C's more holidays. The combination of these two meant we weren't happy and could never really give the other the support that we both needed. Again though I wouldn't say I knew at the back of my mind that I might be suffering from depression. It was more a thing of, being a bit unlucky and not getting the breaks. I did know however that my marriage wasn't a good one. I tried to discuss it several times over the years with her but it was just dismissed. So I made the decision to leave once the girls had finished their educations.
   Once I did leave and the growing enormity of what needed to be done to get to where I wanted to be became clearer the blues really did kick in. Now I felt a failure and if I looked back, most things I'd done seemed failures too.
   Sitting here and writing this out it's becoming apparent that failure hasn't been a huge part of my life. It just feels as if it has been at this moment in time. I guess it feels that way because things seem to have slid slowly downwards and to turn that around appears to be such a mammoth task.
   It's difficult to associate myself with success, it feels uncomfortable but there are successes and have been successes in the past. Long fruitful periods to. It just all seems along time ago. That is, unless I apply myself and think a little. The blogs been a success. I see it there on the screen. It's as if someone else has put my thoughts down on paper. Sometimes they're grown up words and thoughts, occasionally funny. I see tangible evidence of me trying to understand and improve. Particularly as I often write when I'm low. To still have that determination even then is success. Knowing I don't have an answer yet, success. Knowing that it won't all be right in the morning, success. Knowing it's a good place to start though and that first cup of coffee is always the best of the day, is a beginning and worth  my while to stop thinking and make an effort, however small.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

How many times have I typed that ? hundreds and it's still THE goal. It's very achievable. In fact, maybe I'm achieving it right now I just haven't stopped to realize it. Maybe you are too! Am I missing the point ? Success doesn't come after they hang the medal round your neck. They hang the thing there, after you've achieved. I can be such a dummy sometimes :-))))))      

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