Empty space.

   I'm giving my "book chapter review a post" a rest today. For the last couple of weeks I've had a real lack of enthusiasm for everything. Everything but sleep and staring into space. Nothing notable has happened, it just crept up one night when I was asleep. It's been a while since I've felt like this and I thought "right get it down in print" but I feel such a dick having to admit it in print, I've delayed getting it down.
   Not letting myself surrender to it works short term. So a walk, making myself put stuff away, cooking something, clearing the back log of washing up, a bit of laundry, ironing, I know it's not exactly taxing but as I say it works for a while.
   However it's a long term answer I'm after. So the delay in admitting I'm a dick has been spent in some thought. Firstly, the common response from those close is, "you're just depressed." Well no I'm not. Depression covers a huge spectrum and we use it like a "get out of jail free card." So although I'm a dick, I'm not going to hide behind a label. I'm not depressed or suffering from depression. I do/don't do something that over a period of time leads me here and I don't suffer, I think I find some strange comfort in my emptiness. It's those close to me who suffer.
   So what is it I do/don't do that leads me here. I thought long and hard about this. Firstly it's internal, it's not someone or something outside that brings it on. I start things and don't have a very organised way of getting them done. I'll easily find something to distract me or if I hit a problem, decide it's best to go round it and come back to it later. I'm also very adapt at making people around me think that the problem is theirs not mine. So lots and lots of starts but not many finishes. It builds and builds then pop, nothingness. That's about it in a nutshell.
   Well almost. I'm sure I could delve back into my past and find out where it's origins lay but I'm as old as God so don't have the time or inclination for that. I must not start anything new where possible or something else is truly finished. Chip away at those things already started, in strict order of their importance. There are one or two other things where I should cut my loses and move on. I need to follow a set plan, regardless of how I feel.  I have to be the strong parent to my spoilt child.
   Enough of me.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment )))       

Push all your own buttons......

   Steve Chandler starts chapter 8 of  "100 Ways to Motivate Yourself" with a description of the cockpit of an airliner. All the buttons dials and levers that the pilot uses to get us smoothly and safely from A to B and how, if we happened  to hear one pilot say to the other, "remind me what those buttons do again?" the journey wouldn't feel so smooth and safe.
   He then goes on to say that many of us move through life not really knowing what and where all our own buttons, dials and levers are and if we did, we would fly smoother and safer. So get to know what pushes your buttons. If its a song that lifts you. Don't wait for it to come on the radio. Buy it, record it, have it somewhere close. Then play it, to lift your spirits or motivate you, as often as you need it. It may be something else. A walk, a passage from a book, a smell. Whatever it is, bring it closer. Use that lever.
   In other news. I woke up to the news that Robin Williams was dead. It's sad to think that someone so talented, smart and funny ends their life. Unable to reach out for help and unable to believe that there is help. There is still along way to go. RIP Robin.
 
The faster we move onwards and upwards, we'll find answers gain more and lose less.