Thursday, 21 August 2014

Empty space.

   I'm giving my "book chapter review a post" a rest today. For the last couple of weeks I've had a real lack of enthusiasm for everything. Everything but sleep and staring into space. Nothing notable has happened, it just crept up one night when I was asleep. It's been a while since I've felt like this and I thought "right get it down in print" but I feel such a dick having to admit it in print, I've delayed getting it down.
   Not letting myself surrender to it works short term. So a walk, making myself put stuff away, cooking something, clearing the back log of washing up, a bit of laundry, ironing, I know it's not exactly taxing but as I say it works for a while.
   However it's a long term answer I'm after. So the delay in admitting I'm a dick has been spent in some thought. Firstly, the common response from those close is, "you're just depressed." Well no I'm not. Depression covers a huge spectrum and we use it like a "get out of jail free card." So although I'm a dick, I'm not going to hide behind a label. I'm not depressed or suffering from depression. I do/don't do something that over a period of time leads me here and I don't suffer, I think I find some strange comfort in my emptiness. It's those close to me who suffer.
   So what is it I do/don't do that leads me here. I thought long and hard about this. Firstly it's internal, it's not someone or something outside that brings it on. I start things and don't have a very organised way of getting them done. I'll easily find something to distract me or if I hit a problem, decide it's best to go round it and come back to it later. I'm also very adapt at making people around me think that the problem is theirs not mine. So lots and lots of starts but not many finishes. It builds and builds then pop, nothingness. That's about it in a nutshell.
   Well almost. I'm sure I could delve back into my past and find out where it's origins lay but I'm as old as God so don't have the time or inclination for that. I must not start anything new where possible or something else is truly finished. Chip away at those things already started, in strict order of their importance. There are one or two other things where I should cut my loses and move on. I need to follow a set plan, regardless of how I feel.  I have to be the strong parent to my spoilt child.
   Enough of me.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment )))       


  1. I think it's such a shame that you regard your 'down times' in this way; or maybe other peoples' down times in that way as well. Because instead of validating your mood (you can validate a mood without it having to become a label), you put an entirely negative spin on it, beat it up, and beat yourself up. Being of low mood does not make you a dick. Being of low mood makes nobody a dick. Nor is it necessarily negative. We are allowed to sit still, explore, and evaluate without being 'spoilt'. Especially as if we don't, nine times out of ten it'll come round and bite us on the backside some time down the line.

    So maybe just let it be, Spanner. It's feeding you some information about your current state and waking you up to it. And they do say not to bite the hand that feeds you. I think it applies to this too.

    Big hug. X

  2. Thank you for taking the time to write. I've taken a while to mull over your comments. I wouldn't presume others are dick's I don't know what's going on in their lives and what they are coping with. You're right I am putting a negative spin on it, which doesn't help. However when you've spent an age thinking about what brings you down and having an idea about what may help but do nothing! Well nothing changes just knowing about it, so hence the feeling of annoyance with myself.
    All that said. Thoughtful and thought provoking observations like yours help and move the whole process forward. So thank you )))