Moving on.......

(Wed)   Today in around 12 hours the deals will be done. We (Mrs ex and I) will no longer jointly own a home but instead each own something smaller and with a hundred miles between us. It's both a sad and a happy time. We have both been wrapping and packing side by side.
"Do you want this?"
"Yes please/no thanks/you have it."
We've been cordial and friendly since we split but it's very tough being so considered and considerate, with each other over who has this and who has that. Moving away from the house that was our family home for almost 25 years is tough, tougher when you know she feels the same. Both girls are acting a little strange. No1 daughter is finding lots of reasons to stay late at work. It's not to get out of doing her share of the packing. She just doesn't want to see the only home she has every know slowly disappear. No2 is very quite and is keeping herself to herself. I think it's best to let them work through this in their own time and way. I remember, as a 14 year old being very upset when we moved. I left my school and friends and the places I'd grown up in. So I know a little about how they feel.
(Thurs)   We finished moving Mrs X into her new home by about 7 last night and dashed back and loaded most of my remaining rubbish onto the van. It was too late for me to get down to deepest Kent, so I stayed with friends who live about 20 miles from my new home overnight. I've emptied the van and am about to drive back and pick up the last bits and a massive chest of drawers I brought at Auction (more about that at a later date).
(Sat)   I have an old van, which I plan to keep, for several reasons. The most important is the fact that the van has shared my toughest times. So it's important to me that it shares the better times. I know that sounds a little weird. It's a big lump of metal and rust with no heart or brain but as I used to drive it around, it was where my thoughts and dreams on how my future might be were hatched. It's not the most comfortable or reliable at present so I've budgeted to buy a second hand car. I'll tax and insure it for six months. If it's affordable to run both, then I will. If not then one of them will have to go. This morning I'm off to see a car I've had my eye on for a while.

   It's Monday now and here I am to summarise. I did buy the car, it's not the most sensible of buys for a number of reasons but it's great fun to drive. I went on a day trip to France yesterday with a friend. She had booked the trip a while back so I decided to join her. I brought a few bottles of wine, a few Christmas presents, some food, Christmas baubles for my first Christmas tree and big socks.
   I'm feeling a little guilty. I'm buying things and enjoying myself before I've earned it. I'll have a ponder on that over the next few days as I start to put things together.
   I have a few phone calls to make then I'm going to put my tree up and straighten things up a bit.

Onwards and upwards in search of fulfilment and Santa Claus :-)        
 

critics and criticism

    Once upon a time, I would jot down my thoughts and feelings almost daily. Now it's more random. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. On one hand, posts are a bit more focused on the other it's all a bit edited. The truth of the moment is lost, be it good or bad.
   So what have I got to say for myself today? Well it's to do with criticism. If you're reading this chances are, you spend a fair bit of time working through self-criticism and you know the effect that can have on a life and those of others. I still have that little voice chirping away when things are not as I'd like. I'm working on that.
   I was about to type, I'm more forgiving. Which would be wrong, for me anyway. No, I'm more honest with myself now. There are times when for one reason or another I'm not going to be able to do something. So I let it go or rearrange. That in itself is worthy of note but what is more important is how I view others. Up until sometime recently, I was quietly critical of other's but somewhere along the way it's disappeared. Others can behave the way they do. I have no idea how their lives are going or how that's affecting them. If their behaviour really grates then I can choose to move on or away.
   What really surprises me is how I now behave towards others. I think in the past my critical radar would be switched on long before I was. If I came into contact with someone maybe not at their best I'd adjust accordingly. Now I find with the radar off people are far more affable.
   It's another little sign that I look outwards more and not so inwards now than in the past. There's still things to face and work on but I'll take a small victory on the road to something more fulfiling.
   Talking of the road to something more fulfilling.I'm eight days away from the big move. We are all packing and deciding who gets what or who would like what. No arguments and agreement that if something really is missed in the future, we'll take another look at it then.. The picture is the view at the end of my new road. In a couple of weeks I shall bore you with pictures of my own.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment :-)))

Almost there .....

   It appears I'm finally on the last lap of the house selling saga. In time it will be a half remembered memory. At the moment it fills every waking moment. Five months, two buyers and lots of questions about drains, shared pathways and some really minor things. Which I can understand. The bit that frustrates the most is the legal stuff. We're paying someone a big chunk of money (£1500 plus tax) to handle the above. Our daughter is doing the same. We've come into contact with our ex-buyer and current buyers and the two solicitors acting for the sellers of the homes my ex and I are buying. Nothing much of importance happens unless you prod them with a stick and I'm pretty sure each prod  has added another few quid to the bill. When they say "everything is done." It isn't. When they say "we can proceed," you can't. Anyway we have exchanged contracts with our buyer and we complete on the 11th December. So there's no going back. It's sold.
  All the worry and frustration is gone. What's left, is what I've found out. I don't get half as stroppy over things as I used to. I recognise that, what's important to me may not be as important to someone else, even if I am paying them. If I want it done then I need to get involved. I've stopped getting excited about things and promises until they actually happen. Which if I think about it means I'm living more in the moment.
  We received a letter from the Solicitor with a breakdown of what and who we owe money to and the balance which will be divided between my ex and me. It lead to another conversation about the financial split we had agreed. We agreed this before but then my ex said her share wasn't enough. So we looked at it again. Now she feels we should look at it again. I won't go into detail but we have given both our daughters a small chunk to use as deposits for places of their own. No1 is in the process of buying somewhere. No2 is still at Uni so her's will go into the bank. What's left is split roughly 60:40 in her favour. No2 will be moving in with her for the moment. My ex is spending nearly all of her money on a place close to where she works. She could have moved out a bit further and got somewhere cheaper but she chose to stay close to where we used to live. I'm moving over 100 miles away. I don't know anyone there and don't have any work there. Before you reach for your hankies, I'm a few hundred yards from the sea, the house is a wonderful blank canvas and the town is going through a bit of a stop/start regeneration process. I think what bothers my ex is I'll have more cash left over than she will. The fact that I'm going to have to spend a lot of it to get the place liveable and all of the above doesn't really enter into her summing up. She also has a chunk of money hidden away, which she thinks I know nothing about. Strictly speaking anything property, money etc is jointly owned and jointly shared. As I think I've said before she's very money orientated and it's one of the things, although not one of the main issues that lead to the split. However I'm not going to get immersed in some major row. Which will only lead to giving a whole heap of money to a couple more legal eagles and both get less than we agreed in the first place. Anyway I have to stress that this is my side of the argument. I'm sure she has her reasons for feeling the way she does.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment :-)))
   

Van, Elvis and me .....

I spent the weekend painting, then went for a drink (my reward). The pub of choice was the Neptune. It's a very old pub as are some of the regulars. God may have brought his first pint there when he turned 18. In fact it may have been one of the regulars that brought it for him.

   Apart from being old the Neptunes other claim to fame is it's floor. It slopes at a pretty alarming angle, whoever said craftsman from the past knew their stuff never met this crew.  If it's your first time and you've mistakenly chosen and drunk a couple of pints of the local brew, a walk to the toilets will have you convinced you've developed a serve limp.

    Anyway Sunday night is music night. So the place was rammed. It took a while to negotiate a clear route to the bar. I must of used up a year's worth of "excuse me's" and "alright's" over that ten foot journey. The bar staff are all female and not very tall.. I could be wrong about the height thing of course, the serve slope on my side of the bar may extend to their's.

   Once armed with a drink I aimed for a spot where there weren't a lot of heads, so hopefully a gap.  Here I could stand and watch things unfold for the next 40 minutes or so. The gap turned out to be the space between the doors to the ladies and gents toilets. I shared it with a redundant jukebox and a bench. Over the course of my pint I think I must of met most of the patrons that night, as the alcohol did it's stuff and moved swiftly to their bladders. First was Parka girl,  I say girl, because the Parka chose the ladies loo and wore high heels. Apart from those two clues there was little else to suggest what was hidden behind the olive green package. Then several large bellied gents one after the other. All wearing jeans and t-shirts with various logos, rendered ineligible after many years of weekly washing. You could tell which were the musio' s and which the dedicated beer merchants. Half wore hats the others carried their beer with them wherever they went. On the whole, the women. We'll those visiting the loo, made more of an effort to be presentable. There was evidence of hair brushes, make-up and perfume. The perfume being much appreciated by me. Considering my position between the loo's.

   After what seemed an age, punctuated with lots of "one, two" one, two, yeah" 's the music started. A cover of a long forgotten Van Morrison number, followed by an Elvis number. Everybody's happy, the musio' s have found enough space to do that head jogging thing, that passes for dancing when there isn't enough room and they have finally admired to themselves after too many years of self delusion that they dance rubbish. The beer merchants have the bar and the mini barmaids to themselves.

   My glass is almost empty and I seriously think about a second but that will lead to a third and then the musio's and the beer merchants will discover what I already know. I dance rubbish.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment :-)))

Dark thoughts .....

   I have a black post. Sitting here unpublished and not meant to be published. I know I bang on about how this is my secret diary and it's here primarily to help me but a few people follow it. So I'm no longer comfortable  with spilling my thoughts out wholesale.. I add to it sometimes not often.
    I used to write and publish everything but things have changed and I have changed. It no longer feels helpful to me to write down a bit of crap that affected apart of my day or something that I still struggle with. Giving it some space here would suggest it has some importance, It's just the day to day black thought or a chain of events I got myself into and more importantly got myself out of. I feel my blog is more helpful to me if I chart the good stuff or see the positives in the odd bit of gloom. However for the record I do have the odd day where I would be happy to stay in bed with the phone on silent. I still do things in the wrong order. Pushing the important stuff to the back. I'm doing it now, the difference is I know it and I think I know why and this post is almost done.
   There is a chance that contracts on the house sale will happen tomorrow, meaning there is a very real chance that I could be watching ships sail up and down the English Channel by the end of the month and hear the annoying cries of seagulls instead of trains and planes. In the past this would of sent me into total future dreaming. Instead it's, ok let's wait and see (and a little dreaming).
   So I'm done. Except to say that I follow a few blogs and share the joy and pain of the writers and comment occasionally. Today though I'd like to let Shelia and Pixie know they crop up in my daily thoughts and I wish them strength and good wishes :-)

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment :-)))

   This is the second post of two that I'm struggling with. Nothing bad is happening, the sale seems to be moving along in the background and I'm not asking too many questions as I seriously don't want to consider what I'm going to have to do if this doesn't go through but let's not get all doom and gloom. It's only the first paragraph.
   To be very honest I have far more good than bad in my life at the moment. Fact is there has always been more good than bad mostly. Not being able to properly deal with the little bit of bad has been the issue. The last couple of years, where my life has kind of stood still have given me the opportunity to adjust things. I have to say it's more fate shoving things in my way, than me facing them but to my credit once there I have made the effort to be honest with myself and make some changes. Not always as quickly as I should of done but maybe that will be next on the list.
   In other news, the school teacher (who shall be known as miss from now on) had an interesting weekend wandering around the little seaside town I hope will be home soon. She has a couple of dogs and since I've always wanted a dog, they kind of got walked to death over the weekend. It was too wet to go around throwing sticks and shouting fetch so they have that terror to look forward too.
   Work is picking up to and I have a real Lord as a customer at the moment. His London house (he has a couple elsewhere) dates back to 1750 and has plumbing to match.
   That's about it for now.

Onwards and upwards in search of fulfilment :-)))

What shall I post?

   I have about three or four unfinished posts. Which is frustrating seeing as I always feel better after a post. It's my mark on the timeline. Something to read again in the future, (and still find spelling mistakes) surprising myself on my understanding (or sometimes the lack of it) of the mental path I'm wandering along.
   Usually I pop my thought of the day down, then kind of expand on it. Find a picture that helps illustrate my rambling narrative and boom, job done
   Not so this time. I have these half finished draughts, just sitting there. None of them really me, at the moment. although saying that, there is a small element in each, of how I'm feeling.
   Future plans, letting go and frustration. All running through the wires between my ears but none occupying enough space to make a decent paragraph, let alone a post.
   However they do all tie together in one way or another, like spaghetti on a plate and as I'm now half a page in I may as well continue.
   The sale of the house as mentioned in a previous post, continues. I can do little to move it forward any faster than it wants to move, despite poking it with a sharp stick every now and then, which makes me feel like I'm important and involved with the process. A feeling I have to say though that passes quickly. Hence thoughts on future plans are somewhat premature at this stage and I don't want to upset the Gods of Fate.
   Letting go. Now that nearly did make it as a published post. I am ready to let several things go for good. Which I think will make a big difference to life but again seems premature. Given the precarious state of the whole house selling/buying process.
   You won't be surprised that a half post on frustration followed these. So now we are all up to speed. All on the same page, literally. Well frustration is a waste of time. Deal with it or put it to one side and wait for the first opportunity to. The same thing with letting go. The time has almost arrived when those pages can be ripped out, screwed up and tossed across space and into the bin.
   Plans however carry on regardless. Even if mine are on hold, those of others and Fates rumble on.Yet again God/fate/spirit guide (why are spirit guides always Red Indians? there's a post for the future me thinks) has put something in front of me to keep me on my toes.I've met a rather nice School Teacher. Around my age, although better preserved. Who shares a number of the same interests (good) and lots that aren't, well not yet anyway (really good) and lives only a few miles from the intended new house (really really good). I can at last say goodbye to long distant relationships (for the moment at least) find a dance class somewhere between us and learn to jive away into the night, with the lady who teaches key stage 4 kids to cook, sew and turn several bits of wood into a wonky stool. She's tall, slim and can drink a pint of beer before I tear the top off the bag of peanuts meant to accompany said drink. She's also making changes to her life as am I. She's not content to give in just yet and reach for slippers and cocoa.
   We're out again this weekend, which I'm looking forward to. She laughs at my jokes and thinks I'm rather a hunk. So there are reasonable grounds to doubt her sanity and eye sight but maybe that makes her perfect for me.
   I guess that's about it for now. I wonder how things mentioned here will have changed next time I take the time to look back on old posts. Life seems to be gathering pace once again !

Onwards and upwards in pursuit of fulfilment :-)))