So a couple of things happened this week. A friend is feeling really low, rock bottom low. What do I say to help? Do I try some helpful advice, knowing we've all had, at some point in our lives helpful advice that's not been that helpful. Or do I share the feelings, emphasise. I've never been a great receiver of empathy. I know, not very magnanimous of me but I'm not convinced it does enough or shows I care enough.When I'm having a bit of a bad moment I want everybody to turn into Doctor Phil and give me heaps of good advice. So what to do? The only thing I'm happy with is a mixture of both. Trying to find something in my past and how that worked out.
So, giving up? is that really an option and is that what any of us really wants? Is it top of the list. Or does it just seem the easiest of all options. The one thing that's stopped me thinking the worst is, "is that how I want to be remembered." As someone who couldn't get through it. You're not going to be remembered for anything else are you. Well fuck that, there has to be and there are other ways to pull out of the terrible spiral of events we sometimes get into. I do have a couple of good qualities. I'm nice to kids (I spent all my early years going to school with them). I can raise a smile out of most people and have a positive outlook on all things (which is odd, how can I suffer from the blues but still be positive ???????) On balance I think I'd prefer to be known for these things. So how to go about it. Well I know pills don't do it for me and my constant companion Mr Procrastination makes sure I never manage to follow any kind of helpful routine. So what's left. Liking me, I've never really done enough of that. I've always mixed that up with "don't be so hard on yourself" but weirdly I like that part of me. The buck stops with me, if things go wrong. I'm in control (well most of the time) of me. So if I'm late, it's not because of heavy traffic or the train decided to break down. It's because I didn't get my fat arse out of bed and allow myself enough time. I really can't think of too many episodes in my life where things didn't go to plan and I could of made a little more effort to stop them going pear shaped. So actually I like that about me. I'm starting to warm to this now. go and get yourself a drink this might turn into a loooooooong read. Maybe I should focus on the more negative parts of me first. There maybe unexpected little nuggets of likes there that I hadn't considered. Not giving up, I don't. Even when that really would be the most sensible thing to do, I don't. I like that about me. I think too much. I like that about me too. I daydream. I really like that. So much so I'm going to say it again. I daydream. I think I can do anything, give me a hammer, some nails, glue and a spanner or two and I can make it (do you still want to come round for dinner?). I do accept that's impossible but that only comes a minute or two after I think I can and I really like that about me. Who needs Doctor Phil ! you don't even need to read on do you. I think we've all got the idea. You're already thinking about it already. So I'll move on to part two but just before I do I just like to say to the friend in question. I do hope you're feeling a bit better :-)
So the house move has stalled and our buyers are threatening to pull out because things are moving too slow and they think we're not dealing with their solicitors daily dose of dumb questions quickly enough. The problem is we receive dumb questions and answer them, then our solicitor rewrites our answers in to legalise Which basically is "that's a dumb question, go find the answer yourself" to which their reply is "thank you for that and here's another dumb question which is very similar to our last dumb question you didn't answer." Tuesday was the worst and I started to think, sod it I don't care. Don't buy my house and my ex and I won't buy the places we've found and started to daydream about. I've had enough of trying to please and keep everybody happy and on track. You can all bicker amongst yourselves and blame somebody else. See if I care. So I took myself off to bed. Tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. I decided to get up, watch TV for twenty minutes get tired and return to bed. I parked my self on the sofa and switched on. It was the last half of one of those self build programmes. A nice giggly couple were renovating an old cinema, turning it into a home. Shit happened, as it always does in such programmes but they just giggled and got it sorted. I thought, I can do that. Went to bed, slept and since then haven't looked back. I haven't pulled it out of the fire just yet but the signs are good. I don't want to give up on my dream just yet and I don't want my ex upset because she has to give up on hers too. I like that about me :-)
Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment and happiness :-)
I'd say advice is rubbish unless it is ways of getting help. You don't hear advice. You also don't hear 'it could be worse', 'this is how I did it', 'look for the positives'. You've gone beyond that point. You do hear, 'I am here for you' and 'this will pass'. Of course, what works for one doesn't work for another, and it just depends on how low your friend is. I am talking about the sort of low that has already gone beyond the low where you need medical intervention of some sort. It is also a misconception that 'giving up' is negative. If you mean 'giving up on trying to sort things out', then that is actually positive. It means that you recognise you are beyond being able to help yourself. Despite what people may believe, this is a real state of being, not just a state of mind. If it is a more 'out of here' type of giving up, then that so often seen as a sign of weakness. It isn't weak in the slightest. If you are weak, then you are capable of changing that to strength. If you are low, you are, in some cases, incapable of changing that to a more stable mindset. It depends where you are, how bad things are.
ReplyDeleteIs this making any sense?
I really hope your friend gets the help he needs and can get out of that dark place.
It makes lots of sense Pixie and thanks for taking the trouble to reply in such depth. I'm sure she will beat it.
ReplyDeleteChanging the subject, Richards posting some pretty impressive pictures when are you planning to catch up?
You sound like a man with a plan. A light at the end of the tunnel. Me too!
ReplyDeleteExcept I have no plan and I don't see any light. I can't even see the tunnel.
Thank you MC, just don't forget I am a bloke (guy) so what seems like a plan is really all noise, arm waving and wind (gas) :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm trying, S. It's been a very rough few months. Getting there...
ReplyDeleteI always worry when the blogs I follow go a little quiet. It's not like I can pick up the phone and say "hi you ok?" So in future you'll just have to post and say "I'm here and I'm ok," so I don't worry :-)
ReplyDeleteAh, you're sweet. But then, I don't think you'd appreciate a) my lying to you or b) me saying 'I'm here and feel like shite.' Because then you'd feel obliged to ask about the shite, and nobody really wants to hear about shitey things. So I'd end up lying and saying I'm okay, and that wouldn't be true, and lying would be shitey as well. So either way it would be shitey. So sometimes it is best to go quiet altogether and not talk about shitey things But then you feel shitey about the fact that, just maybe, there might be somebody on the planet who feels a bit of concern, and not telling them that a) you're okay (which is a lie and shitey) or b) you're shitey (which is truthful, but shitey)is shitey in itself. So then you end up giving some shitey explanation so people understand your shitey predicament, and then they wished they'd never asked, and they end up feeling shitey about the whole thing, just like the person who feels like shite.
ReplyDeleteFollow me? ;)