Six years ago.

Before I tell you what happened six years ago I need to go back a little further. I've kept in touch with my school friend Sue for years. There have been gaps but outside of my family she's the one person I've know longest. I've known her husband almost as long. Vic is loud and funny. A hard working "working class" boy from North London. He's smart and reasoned and stands up for himself. Something I don't always do and I so admire him for that. Being married to Sue though, means you have to be. She takes no prisoners. About eight or nine years ago Vic admitted he was an alcoholic. He'd spent all their savings betting on horses. Manly because he was drunk at the time and when not sloshed, in a vain bid to recover his losses. Sue phoned me up and gave me a blow by blow account. At the end of the call I asked her was she going to kick him out. There was a pause and then she said, "Don't be so f##king stupid, I love him." To this day it's probably the nicest most powerful way anybody has declared their love for someone that I've ever heard.
Over the coming months I spent some time with Vic and he told me how he was doing, his AA meetings, the characters there and how AA works. One of the steps. Apologising to those close to you, about the hurt you've brought them, stuck with me. I wondered who I would apologise to. Two people came to mind. A boy called Mohinder, who I wasn't very nice to at school and Joy. My first long term girlfriend. We went out for over three years. She loved me and I her, deeply. At one stage it looked as if we'd marry but things didn't work out that way and eventually I ended it. Very cruelly as well. I don't and didn't regret the ending but I've always deeply regretted how horrible I made that ending.  
A little over six years ago I looked her up on Facebook. I didn't contact her. I remember Vic saying that you had to think long and hard who you apologised to. You're not doing it for your benefit but theirs and if it might cause them more pain, hen best move on and leave it alone. Instead I sent a message to her sister. Telling her I hadn't been very nice to Joy and I'd like her to know how sorry I was. How it was one of the biggest regrets of my life and if she felt it right would she share that with Joy. There was no reply. So I concluded, that her sister had decided this was something best left unmentioned.
Three weeks ago, I get a "friends" request from Karen, Joy's sister and a note on how she hadn't seen my message, until she'd used another computer to log onto Facebook. There buried deep amongst the gossip was my unopened mail. She was still with Terry, the boyfriend she'd had all those years (35+) ago and Joy was fine and lived not far from them and not far from the house they'd both grown up in. We swapped messages for about a week when Karen wondered if I'd like to meet up. I said, it felt kind of strange after all these years and I'd only ever intended for my apology to be past on but yes, lets meet. Then another message with the rendezvous and that Terry would like to come, was that ok. Yes sure. The day before we checked with each other that we were still free to meet and "Oh can Joy come too" tagged on the end. I couldn't refuse but now felt very nervous about the whole thing. How was this going to go?
I can't spend all day on here so you're going to have to wait till later......

Onwards and upwards, in the pursuit of fulfilment :)))   

It's been a while!

It's been a while since I've written. Lots has happened but my old laptop finally decided it's days of dealing with my awful spelling and my complete disregard of the basic rules of grammar were enough. It refused to switch on despite my protests and trying to type on the phone or kindle just doesn't work for me.
Luckily a secondhand laptop of the same make and model turned up on eBay. So once again, I can record the mundane musings of an ageing old fart and when my second purchase (a bunch of wires and plugs) arrives. I hope to recover my old photos and paperwork.
I'm giving you advanced warning, the year or so of enforced silence has not led to any improvement in content or writing style. My talents for procrastination and fiscal ineptitude shows no signs of waning. It's bad enough that I have to reread this drivel before pressing the publish button. The knowledge that you are leaves me with a heavy heart. Add me to the long list of things you've managed to quit. Drugs, booze, cigarettes and James Blunt Cd's

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment  :)))

Conclusions

   I've been blogging for a while now. At first I knew it was simply a diary. No one was reading it, it was a daily record on how I felt. Then I became aware there was the odd casual  reader and occasionally they posted a comment (and just for the record Aims, Pixie, Pres and the lady from Pleasantville it was wonderfully up lifting and I hope and wish you well because you are part of what I am now). I have to admit I was slightly swayed by the idea that people actually read the rubbish I was publishing but that was soon put into check, when other blogs I was reading at the time (not the four mentioned) started saying things like "dear readers." So I got grounded pretty quick and returned to what I knew best. It's a real shame Pres doesn't blog anymore and Pixie and the lady from P do rarely. Aims bless her, posts non stop. I have struggled to find blogs good enough to replace these. Why? Well because they were heartfelt and didn't spare the blushes or the tears or the angst. So my post today is dedicated to those four bloggers. I wish you well and I wish you good things.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment :)))

....... ation

   So what you been up to my procrastinating chums?  Yes me neither. Although I have been doing a bit of half hearted reading. I'd call it research but that would be laughed out of any court in the land. So let's just cut to the chase. Or let's cut to a slow stroll with plenty of stops.
    Procrastination is a really really long word to say let alone type and it's the label given to people who have a problem finishing something and/or give up early. It's from the Latin "to delay." I have a picture in my head of a bunch of Latin scholars dressed in sheets, gathered round a table in a downtown Athens tavena. Nibbling on olives and goats chesse while knocking back the local red. Seeing who could come up with the most outrageous and or the longest word to discribe some of lifes low blows. Intoxication (poisioned) not something to say quickly when your sober let alone drunk and what a party they must of had on the back of  Dyslexia and Dyspraxia
   Back to the here and now. My research (hoho) uncovered amongst other things, that too many of our modern day conveniences can easily distract one. Mobile phones, computors, the TV etc always get a mention and I wonder if those of us that fill our lives with lots of different things are more susceptible to price as...... To test my theory I'm making an effort to limit myself to as few distractions as possible. Gone is the wall of TV screens, tuned to stations across the globe. The Porsche. I know it looks nice but you try filling it with 10 metres of tiles a bath and a bundle of 15mm copper tube. The personal chef, the fitness trainer and girl Friday will all go and I'll swap the mobile for two tin cans and a long piece of string.

   I shall leave you with Deoxyribonucleic! any ideas on that one without reaching for a dictionary?

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment  :)))


   

Blogs on procrastin............

   Anything about procrastination I can find online, has become my breakfast reading of late. Absorbing the words as well as my eggs and coffee. There's a ton of stuff, on how to beat it. All are kind of interesting but after a while, I get fed up with their "It's so simple, write your to do list, pat yourself on the back, rewrite your list and go on give yourself another pat on the back. Every five minutes," approach most take. Then there are the odd articles on and by people with good jobs who are serious procrastinators. Haven't filed their tax returns for years, miss work deadlines etc but they so skillfully poke fun at themselves. It's funny. They make me look like a workaholic. However these are difficult to find, either because people in good jobs can't afford to procrastinate in the main or they are procrastinating and have finished the article they're supposed to be writing on procrastinating.
   So then I hit on the simple idea of looking for a blog on the subject of, yes I know, you're tired of reading the word, I'm tired of typing the P word. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. However I found a couple and read away and would you believe it, they gave up after six or seven posts. So if any of you are currently reading a blog on the P word . Written by a conscientious, industrious procrastinator please let me know.
   While we're on the subject and as it's me pounding the keys we're staying on it. I read about this guy who counted off 150 paperclips into a cup. He then started his day, cold calling customers. After each call he takes a paperclip and moves it to another cup. He knew it wasn't his pitch or the product that paid him but making enough calls. It was simply a numbers game. For me it time spent on the job. I don't use paperclips but I do have plenty of brass olives. Little rings used in compression joints. So now, as I complete each hour I pop one into an empty container. I'm not sure if its going to work as well for me as the paperclips did for the telephone salesman but they make a wonderful noise when you shake them up and down. Just listen to how hard my day has been!
   That's not my only weapon in my fight. I like a nice snappy quote. Something I can write at the top of my to do list for the day. Together with the cheerful clanging of several olives in the background it will drive me onwards and upwards. Well I've had a few false starts. Great one liners but they just don't hit the spot. Until I found "Doing comes first." Written by, I forget who but illustrating that sometimes there is no motivation to do certain things. Emptying the bin, folding the laundry etc. You just do it and sometimes it's difficult to find the motivation for the important stuff but if you start doing it, it will come. Ok I've off to shake my olives.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fullfilment :-)))
                                                                                                                    

Is there still time?

   Like most, I have my secrets. In the main they're my shortcomings, my failings. The biggest, I really manage money badly. I'd sooner buy an old book or a picture from a junk shop than food or pay a bill. I don't spend masses, I don't earn masses (which is another secret. Now exposed to the whole World, or more accurately the 27 people that read this blog) because I estimate my jobs badly and over run. So it made me feel a little less of a failure when I read that 52% of Americans cannot raise $400 quickly without having to borrow it.
It's pretty scary to think that so many people are as vulnerable as me. Many of those people, through no fault of their own. Me, well I should of managed things a whole lot better than I have. Which brings me to the point of today's post. How much time does it take to change things?
   I'm 58 and luckily, fairly fit for my age (well I should be with all that looking at all my pictures and reading old books instead of eating the food I don't have) Also looking at the family tree I can hopefully expect to reach my mid 70's albeit either over weight or not sure of my name and where I live. Or both. Seventy seems so far away but it isn't. It's only 12 years away. My kids went from conception (that was a brilliant couple of nights) to 12 in no time. Nappies to over sized (they'll grow into them) school uniforms to "I hate you. You never let me do anything." followed by lots of slamming doors. Not the kind of behaviour you'd expect from a grown up but to be fair, I did apologize. Looking back all that seemed to have happened over a few months not years.
   I live in a ruin, surrounded by flea bitten rugs, books, pictures brought for not a lot at auctions or in junk shops and lots of wonderful ideas. Plus there's another ruin in deepest France that doesn't even have a proper roof. When am I going to fix these places and how will I pay for it all? Is it time to call a halt to some projects and be realistic or do I live my dreams and I mean live them not continue to dream them? The reason I'm thinking this way is, my latest client. We'll call him Berserk of Bexhill. I'm fitting a kitchen for BB. We decided on a simple plan, as he has a very small budget. BB then contacted me to say he brought a second hand oven at a great price. it was a great price but it doesn't fit the plan we agreed. it requires a completely different type of housing which changes the plan completely. The guy's living hand to mouth and has one mad idea after another. He can pay me half what we agreed and the other half when he sells his car! He reminds me of someone. Oh yes me. So I'm going along with his madness because it's the kind of dumb stupidness I get myself into. It seems like some kind of weird karma. I work with his craziness and it helps me understand mine.  
   I guess the fact that I'm willing to detach myself and coldly commit to screen what a financial clutz I am and I most certainly am. Plus the questioning of whether I should go on with certain plans and projects is a good thing.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment :-)))          

TED, Radio 4, procrastination and me.

   As you may or may not know, I listen to a lot of radio while I'm working. BBC Radio 4 or 4 Extra, are my usually channels of choice. I also listen to the occasional TED talk. Here's a link to the last one I listened to.

https://www.ted.com/talks/dave_meslin_the_antidote_to_apathy

   What caught my interest, was the bit where the Speaker talked about the publication of "Planning applications" in the back of local papers. They look pretty drab and are difficult to get information from. Whereas Nike ads, for instance give you all the information you need. Now this is a fairly deliberate ploy on the part of your local council. They don't want people objecting and causing a fuss. They've stuck to the letter of the law and published in small print at the back of your local paper. Object if you dare.

   Now as important as local issues are. Closure of libraries, reduction of services and rubbish blowing up and down the streets etc. What got me thinking (and avoiding doing what I'm supposed to) was do we think in a similar way. Do we get distracted from what we should be doing by doing what we shouldn't. Because our brains advertise the distractions using the same ad department as Nike and the things we should be doing gets the one used by the local council? I know I'm over simplifying but currently (while still avoiding what I should be doing)  I'm making a bit of a point of keeping an eye on how I think things through. There, that's it for today.

Onwards and upwards in the persuit of fulfillment :-)))