Day 63 Breakdowns and heartache

The good news is the breakdown was suffered by my ageing laptop. Unfortunately the heartache is all mine but more of that later.
Because the laptop gave up I've been forced upstairs, to our little office space and the equally ancient computer that sits there covered in dust between the printer/fax and the wireless router. It's all a bit of a mess up here, a bit like me. So maybe I need to spend my weekend tidying up. As it's another weekend on call I can't really do much else.
So once again fate seems to be putting things in front of me, hoping this time the light in my head will switch on and a minor eureka moment will take place.
So you've managed to read on up to here. So I guess you're only really interested in the heartache. Well I'm in a newish relationship with someone I knew many years ago. Unfortunately their previous entanglements were not easy going. Whilst mine produced two great kids it has been a pretty passionless affair. So we're both coming out of unhappy periods and I guess i thought it would be good to have someone along for the ride as I get through things. I can almost hear you screaming at your screens, not a good idea um. Well your right, it's already drifting into a semi tit for tat pairing. So we've taken a step back till we are both more stable and able to act like adults.
Do you like the new background better than the old inky blue? plus there's a faint map thing going on. Maybe a metaphor for the future haha.
Onwards and upwards my phantom readers :-)

Day 62, a visit to the Doctors.

Well 62 days into this and whilst there have been some surprise and positive moments. I'm still, to be frank wading about in a pool of despair most of the in the shallow end but I do slip up now and then.
So booked an appointment with my Doctor. I told him how I had been feeling and the steps I'd taken to try and combat this. He gave me a short questionnaire to fill in and booked me in for a number of blood tests. I'll let you know what comes up in the results.
I was happy he felt I was tackling the problem in a logical and sensible way. Because the appointment was early, 7o/c. I was working by 7:30 and finished the day just after 6. As much as I hate to admit it long working days coupled with all the other stuff I've bored you rigid with over the last couple of months seem to be the way forward.
Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Day 59. Same old same old.

Well so much for a quite night. Three calls spread between midnight and four meant I didn't get much sleep but I did see the sun come up over Notting Hill. Overall the day went well. Booked in some lucrative work for next week. However my personal feelings are all over the place. To my credit I managed to keep the needy me in the background and projected a happy go lucky attitude. It didn't help my partner she is in a worse state than me. Still came away with the feeling that overall I handled myself pretty well and by concentrating on my partner I learned that she is as insecure as I am. So in light of this I'll make sure I make all the right noises next time we meet. Now I wouldn't have been able to do this a week ago.
Onwards and upwards my phantom buddies.

Days 57&58 Weekends on call suck.

It's my weekend on call and I don't know why but they feck up my plans ever time. On the face of it they should be idea for me to work through all the rubbish I need to. Some how it doesn't play out that way. Whilst I earned good money for some easy work all the hours in-between seemed to get wasted. Now I'm back where I started a busy week and nothing sorted out over the weekend.
There's no point in wallowing in this. I'm off to bed, hopefully no calls in the night. An early start and lets see what we can achieve.
Sleep well my phantom chums. Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 56. Vice visa?

Am I feeling so bad because of the decisions and actions I've taken or have my decisions and actions been effected because of my underlying moods? discuss!
I would hazard a guess that the two are linked but not in anyway I could ever understand or be able to explain. The fact I've had the thought, would suggest I'm on the way out of this constant round of feeling up and down for no apparent reason.
Yesterday didn't go as it should have and I'll need to work very hard today to mend a few bridges that whilst they haven't fallen down do have a couple of large cracks in. Today I'm going to spend a bit of time thinking about my motivation (or lack of it). I have to say it's probably the one area where I might need some outside help.
I hope your phantom days go well my phantom friends. Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 55, a bit of inspiration needed!

"Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, `Grow, grow.'"
~ The Talmud
There you go, a few inspiring words to kick the day off. Now you'll have to wade through my dirge (no one said this would be easy). I've extended the title. Day elevntyfour was beginning to sound a bit boring, so I've added a few words to give a feel of what's coming. If you ever read "That's it I can't go on", I suggest those of you with a weak constitution close the tab and goggle pictures of frolicking lambs or puppies why spoil your day.
I have a "to-do" list ready and waiting, porridge in the microwave and a mug of coffee here keeping me company while I edit this ready for you to digest. I've gone back to a previous post where I mentioned all the clutter you gather around you. Then I proclaimed how I needed to clear all of the out. Suffice to say I didn't and I need to, so that's this evening taken care of with a little time out to visit the gym. As previously mentioned the gym visits are a success but I failed to weigh myself at the beginning. Which was a major error as we all need tangible evidence of how things are changing for us. So after a quick weigh-in (I'm 15 and a half stone) my target is downwards to a level where I'm happy and fit.
I think that's enough for today. Onwards and upwards my phantom friends :-)

Day 54

Well I suppose it's back to basics. Have kept up with my visits to the gym and things are improving on that front. Lost abit of weight and I can see muscles slowly appearing so that's a positive.
Will need to get back to doing my lists and typing a few lines here everyday. I thought that coming out of the initial dark place was going to be the difficult bit but it's beginning to dawn on me that this period of slow (but important) rebuilding is going to be the tough part.
I have to be honest and say I really don't fancy it or think I can do it but what's the alternative. Keep going through these cycles of gloom, keep living this unhappy life. Just by writing this stuff down I can feel this little light deep down in my stomach that is flying around and trying to muster up a bit of support. Maybe I have one good fight left in me. One bit of self respect that won't allow my self-pity to flatten things.
Onwards and upwards phantom readers today we start the next bit of the journey :-)