The weekend review.

I'm going to drop all the numbers at the front of the title. It's starting to look like a formula for hydrogen. Which as we all know is an element of the air we breath and my blogs are sometimes a lot of hot air :-)

The weeks blog has been filled with the "MissG saga" which I guess to most of you would have been so much hot air but I'm middle aged and broken hearted, so give me a break..

Well we met for the first time yesterday. I spent Friday evening working out what to say and what to wear. Saturday morning a quick visit to the gym and then home. Shaved, showered and drenched in aftershave I went over my lines one last time and headed for the car. If my appearance didn't stun her my aftershave was going to knock her off her feet.

Well for a break up the date was a huge success. We walked down to a pub near by, unfortunately it was closed. Which on reflection wasn't such a bad thing seeing as it's quite small and my aftershave was still pretty overpowering  Anyway we sat on the wall outside and I went through my lines. Apologised for a couple of things. One of which was, not listening. Any male readers out there, please take a quick mental note. You can send bunches of flowers and little presents every day of your life but if you don't listen. You're in the poo big time. When that had finished I suggested we change venue to a different pub. One where we had had only happy dates. I tried as much as possible to keep things light and bright. Then after a couple of hours I drove her home and we said our goodbyes.

Before you reach for the tissues, stop. I'm not about to give up just yet. I kind of have a plan and there were one or two little things that happened which give me a little hope.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness. :-)







more later.

Day 463+18-1 Another Day another step forward.

  If I put aside the blue stuff I'm trying to work through and just look at how I've got by and lived for the past year I really haven't done too badly. I've gone from a family man (all be it a sad one) to a single man. From a man who never smiled to one that does, albeit not as often as I should. Now I really hate being on my own and knew this before the split but I guess I was unconsciously willing to accept that in the short term. For what hopefully, could be achieved long term. Well things have well and truly been turned upside down in the last few weeks. I thought I had found that long term happiness but alas.....................................

  ........Actually I'm not quite ready to role over and surrender. I'm not about to give up on this relationship just yet. For the moment I've lost the battle. I suppose the sensible thing to do would be get over it and move on but if I was sensible. I'd still be married, slightly over weight and miserable. Wouldn't I. So I'm going to go with my gut feeling and fight on.
 
  I need to carry on with all the things I've been trying to do to fix and repair myself and make sure I'm "fit for purpose". Then, whenever then is! I shall don my new shiny armour and take to the field once again. Deluded, well maybe a bit but don't forget I support Fulham and delusion gets delivered with your season ticket. We are all extraordinary people capable of extraordinary feats. I've found my feat. Now to grow the extraordinary bit.

  Another nocturnal visit to the gym and surprise surprise. I've lost a bit more weight. I'm now 212lb.This of all my blogs has been the most satisfying and fun to write.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Ps. Now I don't want you to run away with the idea that all is wonderful with team Spanner. Those times before I fall asleep and just after I wake are tough but they would be for anybody getting over the end of a relationship. I do sleep well and there's porridge for breakfast so it's not all bad.

Day 463+17-1 Managed to do everything on my Short Term Goals :-)

   As the title says did all the things on my STG today. I'm not turning cartwheels but then I'm not in the mood to at the moment. I do recognize however as being important. Each day I can achieve my STG's is another step towards better "self worth" and "self love".

  As I said before (+15-1) I am at my best when putting up a fight, when I want something. That feeling has been missing for several years, in fact I'd almost forgotten I could feel that way. Well that fighting feeling is returning. It used to be for materials things, car, house etc etc. Now I'm going to put this to a totally different use. I want to bring out all those separate elements inside me pull them together and be the success I know can be. At last, things seem to be forming into something  solid, something very useful.

“I CAN is 100 times more important than IQ.” — unknown

  In answer to yesterdays comment from Med. The gym stays open 24hours, so a late visit means it's emptier and after a shower and a short walk home I'm ready to sleep. Soups and fish pie are almost my entire culinary repertoire plus porridge lol.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

PS. I was going to leave this for a later blog but I spoke on the phone to MissG last night. It wasn't a call out of the blue. She had texted to say she would phone. We're meeting on Saturday. Things are over but tellingly not finished. So more in a later blog when my thinking is a little more settled. To do that I need to replace thinking about what "could of been with MissG" to "what's best for me now". Simple really but then aren't all the good ideas simple and vice versa.

Day 463+16-1. Normal service has resumed

It took me a while to get out of my blue funk yesterday. I started by making some food for the next few days broccoli & stilton soup. Some potato salad and a small fish pie. Straightened the flat. Went out to do some work at around 4 and got home at 9 then wandered off to the gym. I'm down another half pound. That doesn't sound much but actually I've lost two pounds of fat and gained one and a half in muscle lol

Contact with MissG is very patchy. I have to say, that hand on heart I think I been very gentle in trying to persuade her to open up a bit but it hasn't worked yet. So for the moment I need to move on. The horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach will still be there though. I'll let time resolve that and what's left of the relationship if any. It's sad but it feels the right thing to do..

Two things I've realised over the last forty eight hours. Firstly whatever I'm doing my mind is on the next task. I'm not living in the moment, now that may be due in part, to what's happening to me at the moment. Although I have to say looking back it's something I've been guilty of in the past.

The second and by far the more important of the two is the support I've received from two people I've never met. One of them is Med.  He has a family and his own demons to fight but he always finds the time to send me useful words of support. Good support can make a huge impact and I thank both these people for their care and input.

So hopefully I'm back into positive mode. Forget hopefully, I am back in positive mode.

Onwards and upwards in pursuit of happyness :-)

Day 463+15-1. A temporary halt.

Yesterday was a difficult day. My thoughts continually returned to MissG. Just to bring you up to speed we went away for a few days almost a month ago and on our return she texted me to say she had doubts about whether she wanted a relationship or not. I thought the mini holiday had gone really well and we'd become closer. I suppose that's why it's been such a shock. Since then things have been in limbo. We haven't spoken and I've kept texts and emails to a minimum to give her some space to think things through. Part of me accepts that she'd like to end things but is trying to do it gently. Part of me holds out hope that all will come good.

I'm going to take the day off today. I didn't have any work booked in and was just going to tie up a few loose ends.Instead I'll straighten things out at home and try and get my head straight.

Not the most inspiring of blogs. Setbacks are part of life. I can either give in or find a way of moving forward. There are people out there dealing with far worse things on a daily basis. I'm becoming abit too self centred and wimp like. Sorry. Much better things to come.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

PS. Thanks for the comment Med. I really appreciate your input. However the only person who can help me is me. Supports important particularly at the moment but I have to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind to put it to good use. Hence the last paragraph. I'm much better when I'm fighting back and I'm beginning to feel the fight return. Your comment hastened it's return and I'm in your debt. Spanner.

Day 463+15. Separating feelings.

Thank goodness for a piece of advice I received from Med. He pointed out, that my blues and my feelings over the break up of my relationship with MissG were separate.
The blues I'm dealing with and moving on. The heartache I'm experiencing over MissG is a normal reaction to a really sad situation and will lessen as time goes on.
I suppose with all the turmoil going on in the background with work, or the lack of it and other financial problems it was inevitable and will prove a pivotal moment albeit a very sad one, in my life.
I spent most of yesterday and guess most of today will be taken up thinking about her.

To change the subject to something far more important. Today in Norway at midday (11am GMT) there will be a minutes silence for those who died there so tragically. There have been several terrible events around the World this weekend. My thoughts are with the friends and families of those who have lost someone.

There are many reason's for me to move out of my funk. None more so than to stand shoulder to shoulder with people trying to make the World a better place.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness.

Day 463+13&14 The weekend review.

So another week gone and I'm closer to where I want to be, happier and funnier. I'd also like to weigh half a stone less and have chiseled good looks and the body of a Greek god (not Zeus though as he always looks like a fat git in paintings) but  that would probably require another stint of therapy to get me over that particular delusion.
  What have I learned? well firstly there are things from my past that can help me reach a better future. The "what would Chris Gardner do" trigger I use to snap out of the wrong thinking was something I learned years ago. Then it was a tune you hummed in your head to stop you thinking about something. I don't know why I stopped that, as it was a great way to exit an anxious moment. You have to pick a tune that's easy to remember and it helps if it's something inane as well. mine was a "Slade" number. I hated them as a teenager and you couldn't get away from hearing them, they were everywhere. so the mear act of humming it cleared your head in seconds.
  Secondly, The right way to deal with miserable people. Telling me there are people starving in Africa doesn't make me feel better. It makes it worse. How the hell can another poor souls misery (which is a million times worse than my own) help. It's also callous, for someone to use their (the Africans) misery to illustrate a point. What does work is someone pointing out that something you said or did is the right thing to do or a step forward. Med, a fellow misery guts (and is it any wonder, he's married with a kid has two dogs. He's trying to run a small business and his daily blogs take longer to read than a Sunday newspaper, no wonder he's fed up) has sent me several messages of support this week. Some with references to other useful sites or organizations. It's simple, it makes me feel like I really do possess the answers to my problems. which as we all know we do, it's just one of those all to easy things we forget in life. Like where we parked the car or the log in to your Bank account when your in a hurry.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)