A lazy Bank Holiday Monday.

Well I did have plans but it's the last Bank holiday of the year. So have decided to have a lazy day instead. That said MissG came over Saturday evening and left this morning and in an effort to impress I cooked an evening meal for Saturday plus a couple of breakfasts. Being a typical man I was honour bound to use every plate, bowl, sauce pan and all cutlery available to me in this endeavour. So there's lots of washing up still to do.

We had a great time together and were able to reflect on the past and a little into the future. So back together and stronger than before. The break definitely helped. Made me realise what I had lost and a little about what I needed to do to get her back. The rest you know if you've followed the blog.

As per Fridays entry I'm very aware this is only the end of the beginning and there's lots of work and effort to go.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)  

Highs and lows.

Yesterday I spoke to my clients neighbour and they've asked me to give them a quote for their bathroom. Which was the high. Later in the day my van was broken into and some power tools stolen, that was the low. None the less I've managed to stay in the high spirits I've been in for the last week or so. This is the first time in a very long while that I've taken bad news on the chin. I'm starting to take bad news in my stride just like Chris Gardner, which is pleasing and long may it stay that way. It's not over yet, there's a long way to go.

But as Winston Churchill said, "  This isn't the end. This isn't even the beginning of the end. However, this is the end of the beginning."

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Change from within (part 2).

So I've been pondering over inner change for the last twenty four hours and come to the conclusion that I need to let certain feelings and thoughts go to leave space for the better things inside me to gain abit of weight and confidence. So they can be allowed to reflect the real me.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Change from within!

I had a bit of a surf on the web yesterday and came across an article about change. It basically said  change had to start on the inside first as what happened on the outside was merely a reflection of the inside. I've been thinking about this and will spend today thinking about it too.

Short and sweet today but will have more time this evening to reflect on this.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Back to the job at hand.

So in the last month. I've eaten better, had more sleep and got into a regular exercise routine. I read up about fixing broken relationships and put together a plan. Whether the plan worked or MissG changed her mind I'll never know. It was probably abit of both. I've changed for the better and now have a bit of focus.

It's this focus that worries me slightly. To be honest all the above were fairly enjoyable things to do. It's work that's the problem area. I really need to get to grips with it. Because "it" is what's needed to drive the above. "It" provides security, the wherefore all to pay for the rent,  the food, the petrol and going out. So my new found focus better be resilient and have some oomph to carry me along. Time will tell!

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

A day by the sea.

Well Sunday was our friends 50th. So I drove down and picked up MissG. We went to church first. She's a Devote Christian and she feels shes lost her way lately. so I offered to accompany her, I was interested to see as this wasn't your usual church service.

After church I drove us both down to the coast. We stopped for some lunch then wandered off to the party. Some of our friends where there. So it was a good afternoon full of chat and laughter. Around 7 I said we better get home as both of us had work. Once we left I told her we were off to a Ceroc dance class (jiving) just down the road (I found it on the Internet and thought it would be a great way to end the day) Well it was a blast. You change partners alot in a beginners class and it was fun to catch her eye or hear her laughing as she went round.

We both had a brilliant day and also took some time out to talk about how we can avoid the little things that got in th way before. We are getting together next weekend and I'll try and come up with little mini dates to do during the day.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Summng up!

I've been taking the Citalopram for over a month now and things have improved alot. Part of me hates to admit it. I wanted to beat the misery myself. Which is pretty stupid really. If I had a headache or heartburn I'd happily take something. So I need to get over myself and see that help in all it's forms should be embraced.

Works going well. It's not perfect by any means but it's moving in the right direction.

There has been a flurry of texts between MissG and myself. I felt she was sending mixed messages. Anyway I asked if I could call her, as there is only so much you can get across via a text. So we spoke at length. Nothing too complicated and at last started to talk about what wasn't right. It was all pretty simple stuff that could of been avoid if we had mentioned it at the time and didn't let it fester. So I'm happy to report we are going to start again. It's not a continuation of before but a fresh start. There was/is far too many good things that are worth keeping and relatively few bad things. Which, if we can find a comfortable way to discuss thoughts and feelings shouldn't be too hard to remove. As you'd expect I'm really really happy about the change in situation and looking forward to being back in a relationship. I'll need to temper my thoughts and feelings and take things slowly, carefully and enjoyably.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Lots happening!

So much has happened recently but I've had little time to get it down in print. If I had to sum it up, I would say that I'm consciously making the decisions that effect my life and not just letting them happen. I have to say hand on heart things are far from perfect. It's a bit like tidying a teenagers bedroom, the task looks pretty daunting but once you've drawn the curtains and collected all the empty tea cups things start to look a bit brighter.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happiness :-)

Working at getting work done!

The one thing I haven't managed to get the better of is work. I'm self employed and have work. The more I do the more I'd earn etc etc but I always find reasons to leave for work late or change plans. With the end of my relationship with MissG it's the perfect time to sort this problem out once and for all.

Short post today but a very important topic for me to think through.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Med left these questions and I've added the answers.

Yes, very interesting. Why do you work for yourself?
I was fed up working for people who never took responsibility for what they did and I wanted to find out if I could survive on my wits and talents.
 Do you enjoy what you do
I'm beginning to enjoy more of it than I used to and starting to pat myself on the back when the occasion demands it.
 What bits of your job do you enjoy most?
Talking to the client about what they want and finishing
exploit the freedoms, or do you find yourself feeling pressured and guilty when you take time off or say no to work?
Not as much as I should. Guilt and Pressure are my constant workmates lol
 Do you have an idea of how much you aim to earn each month or do you set out to earn as much as you can?
I have a target, seldom reached but it's getting better as I get better.
How do you think you are getting on with the whole work life balance thing?
It cost me my relationship with MissG because I wasn't approaching it correctly or professionally. I am now and have the time to build on it and use it to add security to my life. Once that's in place I think I can then do the work/life thing and find a happy relationship with someone.
 I've got so so many questions for you! Hope to hear more from you on this subject. All the best fella, Med.
Thanks for the feedback Pres :-)

The MissG saga

  I've been doing very well regarding the end of the relationship with MissG. Resisting the temptation to contact her and on the odd occasion she's contacted me I've kept things brief and to the point. I'm not being rude. Just taking time to get over it and giving MissG time to work out what she wants. Well there's a party that we're both invited to Saturday week. So to save any embarrassment I text MissG to find out if she wanted to go. Which she does. So far so good. She didn't sound too good (don't forget I was the one dumped) so I asked if she was ok and gave a few words of support. Well lots of words to be honest. I'd hate to see her sad , I love her deeply. Then I made a mistake and finished off with "I miss you" (which I do) but maybe it should have remained unsaid, for the moment.

  It was my only mistake of the day. That said maybe mistakes get us to where we need to be as much as the right decisions do. Either way I'll forgive myself  :-)

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

It's a busy time!

This is the first time in ages, I haven't blogged each day. the reasons are all good though. Keeping busy and trying to undo all those bad habits I've picked up over the last few years.
Things are becoming a lot clearer recently. The culmination of a number of things, lots of reading, support from friends and strangers and a burning desire to shed this old skin and move on.
To be honest, I don't think it's the beginning of something new quite yet but it is the true beginning of the end of the old me.
Writing the blog is a definite help for me and I hope it in some small way lifts those of you who come across it. That would a very happy plus to all this.
I spoke to a new customer yesterday and she described me as a "happy sort of chat" lol. Can't remember the last time anybody said that about me.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-))))

I have a confession!

  Now that I've made a concerted effort to look after myself. Diet, exercise etc. I decided to ask a good friend if there was anything else I could work on. She said I was a bit needy and it wasn't an attractive quality. So I Read up abit and indeed I am needy.
  Wanting something and needing it are very similar but the difference in how both of these manifest themselves through you. Either makes you independent and someone able to make decisions or needy and dependant on others. So yesterday at work, I tried to get to the bottom of it. I'm a bit behind with the job and caught myself, thinking "I need to finish this." When I changed that to "I want to finish this." I felt my thinking towards the job change slightly. For the better.
  Over the year I've been writing this blog I've owned up to a few things and never felt bad or uncomfortable about that. This however is different and it's embarrassing and uncomfortable to have to admit it. However I think it is one of the root problems to my misery over the last few years and feels like it maybe a major junction on the route back to something far more interesting, fulfilling and happier.
  I doubt my friend will ever appreciate how much she may have contributed to my "recovery" but at least you will.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-) 

The weekend review. A real week.

I think this last week has been the first when I've faced the good and the bad with equal acceptance and good grace.

I've always felt that the things that upset or dragged me down couldn't be totally forgotten but how to include them with the positives was a problem. Then Jojesek came to the rescue and in her blog on Tuesday (http://jojesek.blogspot.com/) listed the "seven attitudinal factors", mindfulness principles of Jon Kabat-Zinn. Who in turn got these from Buddhism. Number seven, Acceptance is the way to go for me.

I'm on call this weekend so I'm planning to curl up on the sofa, read and reread those seven principles and get to understand them and how they an fit into my life. The easy part will be where my life already aligns itself to them. The more interesting will be changing habits ingrained within me. Taking into account my currant positive state this wouldn't appear to be an impossible task.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Just like the flick of a switch.

And my mood can plummet. MissG has posted something on her wall on FB. Nothing to do with us just a thought about the coming weekend. So I've briefly drifted back to that horrible place . It's day 7 of the 30 day plan ( initiate no contact for 30 days) and it's driving me nuts. Then I remember why I'm doing this and have to put my trust in me to do what's best. No contact allows me to start to think clearly and look after myself. I'm hoping it gives MissG time to reflect too. I'm not deluding myself. She may stick with her decision to remain just friends but this gives me my best chance on balance so I'm sticking with it.

The rest of the day has been fine. I went to watch Fulham with my eldest daughter in the evening. We won and the pair of us had a nice evening together. So much  has happened today. All positive stuff but I can't think of a thing to write. The FB thing has knocked me but that's real life.

Now don't run away with the idea that I've slipped back. I haven't. You don't loose weight all the time when you're on a diet. You don't always have sunny days when you're on holiday. It's just something to test my resolve. I'll come through it and be stronger for it.

Enough of the gloom. I have to pick something up today for a customer. So I have time to pop down to the gym and add to the "looking after myself" part of the plan. I wish you all well.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Ps. just back from the gym and it's amazing how a little music can lift you. I've got the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge on my ipod and this song always lifts me.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0W5VwR1ZiQs

Similarities and trust.

The interesting thing about reading other blogs are the similarities between the writer and you. It maybe that they are either in front of you in terms of getting straight or behind you. It matters not because the route is the same and I take joy and comfort from that. Joy when I read someone is succeeding and comfort because I know there's away out. We're all searching for it and sharing our maps.

Now trust. I'm beginning to trust my decisions and the path I've chosen. It maybe that some of the decisions are, with hindsight wrong but I'm making them with the information available. I guess self doubt is the beginning of the slide into misery and self trust the stairway out. That new found trust is a bit shaky at times but it's a brighter more enjoyable way to go than self doubt, where it always seems to be raining.

It's been a good week so far. Things have gone wrong but on balance it's been a good week and I intend to make the second half just the same.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

I'd like to repeat that.

Tuesday that is. Started a new bathroom right over the other side of London. Got there early had a long conversation with the client about what was wanted and managed to almost strip the old bathroom out before I finished for the day.

Swapped texts and phone calls with some friends during the day. No negative thoughts or moments and a trip to the gym in the evening to wrap things up..

It's a short post today but I thought seeing as I was in good spirits I'd let you off having to read my mixed up musings.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

It's Tuesday, so yet another opportunity to be who you want to be!

Rather than the person you've become.......

 I really feel I'd like to start being that person now. This last year of my life was, I guess, meant to be. It was where one sad life stopped and something far more interesting started to ferment. I prefer the word ferment rather  than grow. Grow carries with it the suggestion of new. I don't want to be new. I want, what I've always been and had deep inside, to rise up. Like the head on a pint of Guinness. I'm fermenting lol.

As promised (and here is where you may want to bow out as I'm about to slip back into lost love once again) I threatened you all with my plan on getting back the MissG. The first part. Is to concentrate on me for the next four weeks. Health,wealth and self belief are the three areas to tackle. Small successes in these key area's will result in me not having to be so reliant on aftershave in the future. Part two. Whilst under going this momentous change all contact with the G is forbidden. In fact I must even ration thoughts of the G to a bear minimum. My Mantra shall be "I have as much of MissG as I need right now".

More of my cunning plan (and an insight into the deluded mind of a middle aged man) will follow over the coming days. As I shape it into my own personal "blitzkrieg of charm".

The one thing that recent events have brought into sharp focus is my Misery. I've floundered about for years trying to overcome it. Now I've lost something I really didn't want to. I'm addressing that problem and the answers to that problem. Focus on repairing me. My self worth, self respect and health etc.  Are also the answers to that fundamental problem.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Monday, Another opportunity to shine.

I know, I know it's Monday morning and even normal people are fed up. Well I woke up and as I've already mentioned in previous posts my mind wanders straight to you know who but it's only day 3 of my thirty day plan so Spanner needs to  toughen up fast. Now I'm up and have eaten I'm starting to think clearly and feel my thinking should be about what I can do and not about what it can't.

Sunday was a good day. Out in the morning for a few hours, a walk through a street market. Put up a couple of shelves in the Kitchen and a sign I brought at the market. I've included it here (I just need to figure out how to spin it round) and a late night visit to the gym (which is starting to have it's effects. People have noticed I've lost weight).

Today's a "bitser day" (bits of this and bits of that) I'm on call tonight, so I'll be very nice to me this evening and get plenty of rest just in case I get called out in the middle of the night.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness ;-)