Day 271. It's just occurred to me.

Now that I've happened on the idea that my mood is a result of a wiring problem and I can now deal with a stray bad thought turning into a major day changing downer. Things have seemed far rosier. Well maybe rosy is slightly over egging the pudding but I do feel things will and can be better.
Is it as simple as finding an answer that you can understand, that moves you forward. Or is it just that the slow and invisible process towards getting to a better place allows you to think clearer?
Either way I'm not going to dwell on it. I shall take a few minutes to write up a to-do list for tomorrow. End the day with some positive affirmations and get some sleep.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 269. Cook books and other presents.

Well, I hope you had a good Christmas. I did. Lots of driving to and fro and a little on the quite side. Which I kind of expected, being my first Christmas on my own.
Christmas dinner with my old mum . Tea with my, what shall I call her? girlfriend? partner? Miss Good-for-me. Which I shall shorten to MissG. Presents in the main where Cook Books. Now considering I haven't really started to invite people round yet, I think it's a hint to start to. Rather than a criticism of my current culinary skills. Miss G also included a book on cycle rides around South West London, now that is a pointed hint at getting off my fat behind and shaping up. Obviously my encyclopedia like mind and quick wit aren't enough for her and she wants something with a little more stamina and a silhouette which can pass through a doorway without having to turn sideways.
Today I am in an "in-between mood", in between doing something positive and staying stuck to the sofa. So for the moment I shall end here and let you know what happens later.
Well the good news is I did get on with some work. So the day has been successful. Just before I finish, it's coming up to New Years and I'm going to make a couple of resolutions. I've given this some thought and chosen something from the past, something I've never made an effort at and something intangible. From the past? French. I'm going to make a really big effort to be able to understand and be understood. Something I've never bothered with? learn to cook. I can get by but it would be nice to have a little flair and be able to produce nice simple tasty food (I've got the books now lol). Intangible? control my moods and not let them control me.
Time to sleep. Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 266. Almost Christmas.

To cut to the chase. The affirmations are coming along a treat, I say them several times a day (although I need to work on a regular pattern, time of day etc). When some little problem arises I think of the wiring problem I mentioned the other day and send it to the right brain dept manually. Same goes for good news as well. You'll be able to gauge how well my recovery is going. When I start with the good before the bad you'll know I'm almost there :-)
I'm planning my days better, what gets done gets done and I'm fitting more in. I'm fairly worry free too, as I'm in the thick of Christmas most things are closed, so one or two things I'd like to resolve, I can't. However I will use the time to get some letters all typed up and posted.
There is still away to go but I'm just looking as far as I can step, instead of looking into the far distance and feeling it too long a journey.
I'm hell bent on 2011 being a good year for me. This blog has been a big help in recording my feelings and the rereading of my previous posts has often surprised me. So here's to more posts and surprises.
Looking at my stats it appears I have a few readers. So thanking for looking in. I wish you, your family and friends all have a happy Christmas and a good 2011.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 265. Rolling with the punches.

Well finally money in my account but charges to follow and a parking ticket arrived in the post. Que, black mood and "woo is me" but without too much conscious effort I got over it. Now a few hours later I'm excepting stuff happens. It's not personal. I'll except it as a little prompt to get my act together, or more pertinently to continue getting my act together. As that journey has already started.
I can't stop the odd mistake or bad decision. I can however see it for what it is. A mistake, a piece of bad luck.
Forgive my amateur diagnosis but is it just a wiring problem? Every time something goes wrong. The feelings of despair take the shortest route to the soft delicate bit of my brain without passing through the "common sense" filter and being correctly routed to the "shit happens" department. Every time something good happens it meanders along to the "well any fool gets lucky" section where it is quietly shown out by a side door and told not to make a fuss.
Am I on to something? It certainly takes the sting out of bad news and the idea that it is relatively simple (hence easy to resolve) rather than something complicated (and not so easy to repair) appeals to my simplistic way of seeing things and wanting to go about things. I'd like an uncomplicated life and maybe today has been abit of a landmark.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 262. Am I kidding myself?

Well did the aff's and managed to do most of the things I set out to do Yesterday. However I'm still avoiding things at times. Am I kidding myself or am I being abit impatient?
I hope it's the later. If you've read my previous posts you'll have an inkling that things financial are getting pretty desperate. Now please don't get the idea that I don't know how lucky I am. There's millions out there who would swap with me in a heart beat. I'm not expecting anything or want anything that I can't achieve on my own. I'm also acutely aware that unlike millions of others, I am to a certain degree in control of my own destiny. My ramblings here are just marks on the map of my life. Hopefully the route to my chosen destination is now appearing through the mist.
Today hasn't started that well mood wise. So I needed something to give me a bit of a boost. Something positive to lift my spirits. In desperation I read my last five postings and was surprised at my positive outlook. I was also a little surprised as to how much better I felt after reading it. So am I kidding myself? No, I think not. It's just going to take a bit more time.
It's a paperwork day today and there are one or two urgent pieces of paperwork to deal with. So they will be my goals of the day. I shall plough on and let you know if I've been successful later.

Well it's been about twelve hours since I typed the above. I've done half of what I need to do and have found lots of other things I didn't need to do to fill the space. I'd really like to know why I'm so crap at doing the things I need to do and World class at doing the things I don't. I guess I'll never fully understand why but as long as I can get past it and make something of the next few years then so be it.
I haven't much work in the pipeline I'm broke and in a fair bit of debt. That's on the negative side. On the positive I have the beginnings of a relationship with someone really nice. One or two people who look out for me and fairly good health. On balance my cup isn't as empty as I sometimes feel. So here seems a good place to end for now.

Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 260. Changing the way I learn.

So I kept in touch with the clients today and went through my Affirmations. Not a bad start but I need to stick to it.
I need to give my affirmations a regular spot, when I wake up or go to bed. So they get the regular use they need to work.
While I'm doing that I may as well plan in some study time. Each year around Christmas, I make a couple of resolutions to do this or that. To be brutally honest I fail each time. It's only recently occurred to me that each year I use the same failed learning processes as the year before (Dooh). It's never occurred to me to change the record. What a plank I am. So along with this years new resolutions will come new learning techniques.
Overall I'm feeling happy at the moment. I'm sleeping well and dealing with the odd black cloud to the point where they disappear within a few minutes. I've got £25 in my pocket nothing in the bank. I owe family and friends about a £1000. There are several bills unpaid and the rent is due in a week or so. Normally I'd be in the depths of despair right now and blaming the world for my bad luck. So what's the difference? I've learnt to stop worrying if I can't do anything about it and do something about it when I can. Sounds straight forward doesn't it. In fact a lot of the crap in my life had straight forward solutions to them. It was just my twisted logic that refused to see it.
I'm writing alot more recently too and it's all pretty grown up. Maybe I'm turning the corner? I'd like to think I am.
I found this quote from the French writer Colette," What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner."

Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 259. A trip up to Teeside.

I once stayed in North Allerton many years ago. It was the coldest night of my life. I put the extra blanket on the bed the Hotel provided but it was still freezing so I got dressed and went back to bed. I write this because, I went back there today, to pick up a bath for a job that needs to be finished asap. Well it was just as cold as last time. I'm just glad I'm not staying overnight again. Is it always cold there?
Anyway the long drive gave me the chance to work on my Affirmations. The journey took longer than expected and I didn't get everything I wanted done, done but most of it was and I'm happy with that (which is a first).
I'm on call for the weekend and have a couple of little jobs to do as well. Which is always a recipe for disaster. This weekend however I'll stay ahead of the game and text customers with an eta and a warning things might not go to plan.
Apart from getting most things done and feeling good about that. I got a bit of interesting news from my neighbour which may be good for me in a couple of months. Is this coincidence or are the Affirmations kicking in already.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 257. Not an easy choice!

On Sunday I mentioned positive affirmations. Well I've been looking into this and it's a bit of a mine field. I need to find something that absolutely fits my requirements. There are hundreds of "off the shelf" affirmations. So I thought there wouldn't be a problem finding something for me but some are a little too long and some not quite me. I'll copy something or write something then it gets stuck on the sun-visor to see if it stands the test of a days plumbing. The search goes on.
I have come across a couple of things I like. "If not now, when" is something I've taken to saying to myself when I'm looking for an excuse not to do something. "The future is not a gift: it is an achievement" again like the first it's not an affirmation but it kind of fits in with my thinking. Perhaps I'll have it framed and put somewhere prominent.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 255. Time to commit to paper !

OK I need a purpose. I won't call it a goal. Purpose sounds bigger and nicer. The goals can be the smaller things that get me there. More about them another time, let's get back to "My purpose in life". I have a little cottage, that's in severe need of some heavy TLC.
I dream of living there in my old age. Having the grandchildren spending their summers there. Picking berries in the hedgerows and spending long days building sandcastles on the beach with them. At other times my friends will come over and stay. I'll bore them ridged with stories of my vegetable garden and the solar panels on the roof. The neighbours will drop by on Tuesday nights to play boule, drink wine and try to help me improve my French.
I'll have a big dog (I've always wanted a dog) so walks and throwing sticks will become a part of my everyday.
Big cups of real coffee will start those days and a kiss and hug will finish them. In between will be a mixture of the fun, mundane and painful (Fulham losing and or trips to the dentist).
There, my purpose in life. Spread over a couple of paragraphs. Something for me to come back to again and again. When I need to know why am I doing this and where's it all supposed to take me.
Onwards and upwards :-)

Day 254. So what's happened this week?

Well, counselling ended on Friday and while there is a bit of sadness surrounding the end (of what has been a life changing twelve hours) most of it was upbeat and positive.
I haven't found the inner strength I was searching for, just yet. However I have discovered a couple of things that might shorten that search. firstly, I stopped being too self-critical awhile back but since then have chosen a far too forgiving attitude to my lack of effort. So while I won't be going back to the negativity of the past I will adopt a more mentally stern approach to my, more than occasional lack of effort. Secondly, positive affirmations. This has been something I really haven't worked on enough. So I've spent abit of time reading up on this today and will make a start on things as soon as I'm finished here.
Onwards and upwards.

Day 245. Will today be the start?

Today was to have been my last counselling session but due to the weather it's been cancelled. To be honest, I'm not too upset. I'm not in the right frame of mind today. I haven't been all week. I'm finally excepting there will be good and bad days. It's the necessary drive to achieve, that's puzzled me this week. It's not going to come from anybody else and I have to find a way of tapping into it. Other things I used to do and enjoy, have started creeping back into my life. So on the face of it, things are moving in the right direction. My desire to achieve however is a new one to me. Like the good/bad day thing I realize that it's made up of straight forward practical things, get up on time, know what your doing etc coupled with something else. A strength that comes from within. I'm going to try and find it over the next day or two. Onwards and upwards :-)