Day 425. I need a mantra.

I've come to the conclusion that I need a mantra. Although my mood has generally improved over the last few weeks. There are moments when I start to think about all the things that I can't tackle yet for one reason or another. It would help block out those thoughts.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyiness :~)

Days 422, 423 & 424. It's a bank holiday weekend.

Well sorry about the lack of posts but I kind of fell off the wagon towards the end of last week and have been spending the weekend down in Kent with MissG.

I'm not going to say much about the end of the week. Why focus in on two iffy days and not mention all the good positive days leading up to it. I will make an effort this week to push things forward though.

MissG had a few things to do over the weekend which gave me a bit of time to give the van a thorougher clean and replace the broken wing mirror and damaged headlight. I also gave it a bit of a wash and wax so it's ready for business as I hope I am. There was also time to wander round a car boot on Sunday morning. So I'm now the proud owner of a silk rug brought for 20 quid. I say proud but this was slightly dented when MissG's youngest walked in and asked what that bit of tat was doing on the floor. I keep reminding myself that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)
 

Day 419. Still plugging away

Well the working day is over and I'm feeling tired but happy. I said in yesterday's blog that while I was filling the day I probably wasn't being as efficient as maybe I could. Tomorrow I'll write a list during breakfast and see how close I can stick to it.

A job I went to look at today, trace a leak. Has turned into a quote for a shower room. A few weeks ago I couldn't find any decent work. now I have two interesting jobs to try for? However I mustn't loose my way and forget the basics. The rents due on my flat and the mortgage on my ex's and children's house is as well. So I need to finish things and pull the money in. I have to say though. That being in a good and positive frame of mind is a much better place to be when I'm trying to juggle my tiny pot of gold.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)



 

Day 418. No time to Blog!

Yesterday and today have been good busy days with lots getting done. I still need to organise things better but that will come. In the mean time I shall just plough on and get things done as quickly as possible.

I can't say why I'm doing so well lately. There doesn't seem to be anything responsible just lots of small things pulling in the same direction.

The only thing suffering, is this blog and finding the time to get my thoughts down on paper. So again, a short entry  but you'll understand why.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Days 415 & 416. The weekend review.

It's been quite a week. My overall mood has been positive. The article on "self help" in the happiness blog was a bit of a wake up call and changed my outlook. As the week  rolled on I felt more positive and got through more.
The visit to North London to give a quote was interesting. The client wants her bathroom to look like her favorite hotel bathroom. I'd love to get the job it would be a real breath of fresh air.
My chill out weekend with MissG was exactly that. Relaxed and restful. We have another planned for next weekend.
That's all for now I'm tired and off to bed to read a little then sleep.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 414. Off for the weekend.

The day's almost over. Have a quote to do over in North London and then I'm off to spend the weekend with MissG. Phone off and just relax. It's something I've looked forward to all week. No little jobs or playing catch up just a weekend away.

I've only managed one of the three promises but the days not over and I've fitted alot into today. Only one promise to myself. I promise to relax!

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~) 

Day 413. Two out of three!

Didn't make it to the gym but only because the day was full. No lazy wasted moments. It's late and I need to sort out the breakfast things before I turn in. So..............

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

I promise myself to Get up on time, straighten out the van and listen to a bit more French.

Day 412. Redouble my efforts.

OK. I slept on it and the answer is simple. Routines and keeping promises. I do neither well. I start with the best intentions but things kind of peter out. There are a few things I've stuck with. Getting my breakfast stuff ready the night before and leaving the flat tidy. Simple I know but coming home to a tidy flat makes me feel good.

Getting up on time, listening to my French tapes and regular visits to the gym is where I'll start. If you've read through my previous posts all three have come up at sometime. I'm not going to beat myself up about not sticking to them. Most of us are the same. We start things but don't finish.

Well I know these three things will have a very fundamental effect on my life. Getting up on time leads to getting to work on time. Learning French makes my dream of living in France abit closer, a bit more possible. The gym speaks for itself, getting fitter, feeling fitter adds to my well being and feeling good about myself.

Finally keeping my promises. I'll make a promise to myself at the end of each days blog for the following day. Then if I don't keep the promise I'll let you know.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

I promise myself that I will get UP on time tomorrow. I promise myself I'll listen to a bit of French and I promise myself a visit to the gym.

Day 411. Promises.

Yesterday I admitted that a lot hadn't changed. I was much the same person as I was a year ago. This followed the article I read, on the futility of self help. Whilst I don't fully subscribe to self help being a futile experience. I can see the argument that if you're broke do you have the right skills to fix yourself.

I'm not sure what to do next. There will need to be some kind of time scale and check system. I shall sleep on it and work something out.

I'm starting to read the Mark Gardener book. It's taken a few weeks to get round to it. I'll let you know what I think in a week or so's time.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 410. How interesting!

Wondering around the Web, I found this http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/ It's full of interesting reading. Not sure I agree or understand some of it but I was struck by an article basically saying that "self help" wasn't such a good idea. If things aren't going well in your life, due in part to you. Was it possible for you to "self help" your way out of it. I think that's a good argument. You would have to be able to make fundamental changes to yourself before you could start rebuilding. So where does that leave me? To be brutally honest nothing about me has changed massively. There is an awful lot of the old me still here. Do I need to sign up for a lifetime of counselling with someone better equipped to see my faults than me? Well maybe but in the meantime I'll try and shape a difference. I do feel I have it within me to keep climbing out of this valley of despair and then tackle the happy mountain above that.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happiness :~)

Days 408&409. The weekend review.

I'm creeping back into some bad habits. I'm "on call" this weekend but need to get some bits done at the big job in Kingston and a bathroom locally. Instead of putting a few hours in and getting on with it I did an hour at one and not much more at the other. In my defence I'm tired, it's been a long week and I need some rest. However it's counter productive and I need to cut it out.
Well this week saw my beloved old Saab taken away along with all the happy memories attached to it. My family life of 25 years seems to be in the past now and almost someone else's and not mine.

The week started badly but it had a positive effect on me. Changing my attitude towards clients, work and me. From Tuesday I woke up feeling positive and that has lasted the week. I need to keep that up as obviously people respond better to someone with a smile.
This weekends picture is of, the love padlocks on the railings of the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris. You lock your padlock onto the railings and then toss the keys into the Seine river below. There by symbolizing your eternal love for your partner. What a nice idea and a nice up beat way to end the review. I hope you all have good weekends.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 407. Continuing the happy theme.

On Wednesday (Day 405) after work, I drove to Kent with a picnic in the back of the van (thank you Sainsbury) and MissG and I sat on the bench at the top White Rock. With Kents tapestry of fields below us and chatted and ate until it started to get a bit chilly. We then spent the final couple of hours in a pub, before we said goodnight and I drove back home. It was a nice evening we ironed out a couple of small misunderstandings. Which have cropped up due to the distance between us (miles) and our infrequent dates (due to work).
I've been waking up this week feeling in good spirits. I've also been working on not letting my mind wander off on to subjects (usually worrying ones) that I can do little about and just staying in the moment and dealing with what's in front of me. It's starting to work but I'll have to keep at it.
I'm finally coming to the end of a big job locally. Which to be honest was too big but I needed the money. I know I've lost two small jobs with previous customers. Which is a shame, if I'd been a bit more organised I think I could have kept them. I will have to make sure I don't make the same mistake again.
Another working weekend but next weekend I'm staying down in Kent and chilling out.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 404. Not a bad day.

I know that's a bit of negative. It's not meant to be but I didn't want to say it was a brilliant (compared to yesterday it was) and end up having my blog swinging from a high to a low to a high etc.

Got a fair bit done at work and watched my car beening taken away this evening (ahhhh) Tomorrow will be busy and will end with a drive down to Kent to see MissG which I'm looking forward to.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 403. A really rubbish day.

Ending with Fulham getting beaten 5-2 by Liverpool. As much as we were rubbish, there were one or two of the team that kept battling away. Even though the game was over after 15 minutes. It says something about their mind set and character, that they choose to ignore defeat and fight on. I doubt they will ever think they could of done more or tried harder. Unlike some of their team mates.

So I'll adopt that mind set and see if it can make a difference for me. That's all for today. I'm not going to dwell on the rest of it. I did manage about ten minutes on mini Versailles

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness

Days 401 and 402. The weekend review.

Another full week of work and raw emotions. I rediscovered short term goals and have spent abit of each day this week turning my yard into a mini Versailles. Actually I stained the little garden table and moved the compost bin but it's a start.

The family car has been sold and will be gone by Tuesday but all the memories will remain and each time I pass a burgundy Saab they will all flood back. 

Finally my new friend, me! During my counselling spell. How I felt about myself came up and the need for me to work on some personal affirmations. To discover a love of myself. (If you don't think you can do it, others won't either. So if you don't love yourself then others will find it hard to love you too). It was the one part of my counselling that I found difficult and never fully got to grips with.  Because I found it hard to find a deep down love and respect for myself. Well the need to find that love and respect has arrived. I've reached a cross roads in both my professional and personal lives. Professionally I'm short on work and undercharging, which is a vicious circle. Personally my relationship with MissG is stalling. I think we're both sending out mixed signals and miss-interrupting them. So I need to love me pretty quickly in order for things to work.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~).    

Day 400. A new friend!

A few days ago I mentioned that I felt very alone. Despite the fact that there are family and friends around me. Well I have been giving this some thought and realised I didn't count me as a friend. So I had a think about the qualites I posessed and whether that would make me good friend material. On balance they would but some of those qualities are a bit buried and need dusting off. So I've decided to give it a go and see if I can become a good and worthwhile friend to myself. Use all those qualities I possess and work on the one or two negative parts to my personality to see if I can provide the kind of backup and support I'll need over the coming weeks and months.

I know that all sounds a bit strange. During counselling I was told that if you didn't love and respect yourself nobody else could or would. So I guess my opening paragraph today is really my way of discovering that love and respect.

I have a little picture on my phone of my pile of stones in France. It's not a great shot but you can see the cottage amongst the trees. Well after my comments a couple of days ago about short term goals I decided to change it for something else. I found "Carpe Diem" (which as you know is Latin for "Seize the day") on a google images search. It's in electric blue on a black background and looks rather snazzy on my phone. It also catches my attention every time I end a call. I become a bit focused on what's at hand everytime I see it.

[In Horace (a Romen poet) the phrase is part of the longer Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future", and the ode says that the future is unforeseen, and that instead one should scale back one's hopes to a brief future,]

Well that's enough for today.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 399. The car's been sold.

The last couple of mornings I haven't felt like getting up. So the days have started late and slowly. I have got on with it in the end but those wasted hours !!!!!!!

Got back from work this evening and did twenty minutes in the garden so the short term goal is still on track. I've put my breakfast bits out for tomorrow and I'm off to bed in a moment to read but just before I go.

The family car has been sold. I couldn't afford to run a car and a van and my ex had a health scare a few months ago so doesn't drive much now. So the Saab has sat on the drive for the last few months, it's 13 years old and got a few dings but I'll miss her. She took us all to France a few times on family holidays and took me and a couple of mates to Hamburg, to watch Fulham in the Europa Final. It's my third Saab. I hope it's not my last. The guy  whose brought it, is going to use it for banger racing. I guess if I were an old car it's the way I'd like to end my days. Goodbye Saab I've lots of happy memories that you were part of.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 398. Lets start dreaming.

I tend to look over the last posts, so I don't repeat myself and I have to say this is a pretty boring blog. It's bad enough having to face up to my own depression. The idea that I'm sending you all over the edge with my whinning has prompted me to try and be abit more cheerful and positive this evening.

Where to start? this morning before I left for work I cut the grass. My tiny garden won't win any awards at the moment but with the weather improving and a table and chair, it will make a nice place to sit and drink my coffee before I start my day flooding peoples kitchens and bathrooms. There are few plants but the birds seem to like it. So I shall try and spend a bit of time with them.

I have a few long term dreams but nothing short term? I wonder if that's the norm for people who are fed up?

So I need to get a short term goal. It will be the garden and the goal will be to get some furniture and plants cheaply. I have four weeks before summer starts. Being England I better include an umbrella to cope with the summer showers, ever present here when the sun threatens to come out.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 397. A virus slows me down.

A virus put pay to any posting yesterday. Found the necessary help online so all nice and clean this morning.

I'm wading through a lot of paperwork at the moment. I have a couple of things to sort out and then hopefully all things financial should be on an even keel. Although I need to get some more work in to keep it all rolling along.

Mood wise I'm at a bit of a cross roads. I feel very alone. Although there are people around me, I nolonger want to share anything with them. Only because they've heard it all before and (I'm sorry if this sounds rude) their advice seems empty. "it will be alright" "try not to worry". The way out of this is in my hands. I would of hoped that things (it's been a year) would be more settled, which drags me down. Then again the majority of things achieved this year are down to me and me alone. So I'm proud of that.

For the moment I'm just going to have to get up and get on.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 396. After a short break.

Hello. I haven't bother to post for a few days. I've had the nagging feeling for a while, that I'm not being honest with myself on this blog. So a break while I thought things through was called for.

Although things are improving and I've written this. I felt flat or unhappy. Well I've worked it out. Yes things are improving and no I'm not sad just anxious. I still haven't crossed the line between negative and positive in financial terms yet. So as quick as money comes in there's another hand grabbing at it. None the less, things are improving.

So there will be times when I'm feeling anxious. I'll accept that and I'll let myself feel anxious. Once that feeling past I can move on to something a bit more useful.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)