Yesterdays entry wasn't that brilliant. Just a few random paragraphs that didn't really link together that well. Lets see if I can do better today.
As I mentioned I've finished the tablets but I didn't really elaborate on what's happened during those four months. The less than perfect marriage I knew about long ago and the frustration with my stop start career path goes back even further than that. A fairly good foundation for the misery that was to follow. So what do I do that's self destructive?
1. I live in the future and not in the present. The future's a place of my own making, So it's perfect. Everything I plan and do works out nothing goes wrong.
2. I don't finish things. As long as it's not finished nobody (and that includes me) can say it's less than perfect.
3. I'm unreliable but very likable. So I'm forgiven continually until peoples patience with me finally disintegrates.
4. I cannot stick to any kind of timetable. So I'll watch crap TV till 3 in the morning and then be late and tired the following day.
There said it. So what happened next? I left the marriage. Realized the career thing can happen that way and being self employed at this stage in my life is probably the best place to be. The other stuff I couldn't really get to grips with. So things would get better then get worse then get better then get a lot worse. I went back to my doctor and made the "I've tried my hardest but I really can't cope" speech. As the following weeks rolled by I was able to start being honest with myself and ask those close to me to be honest with me too. Hence my 1 to 4 list.
The biggest change is I'm living in the present most of the time now and making a concentrated effort to finish things. With new customers, friends and acquaintances I'm trying to be reliable, my old customer, friends and acquaintances still don't fair any better than they did but I warn them now and do try. It's almost 2 in the morning so I haven't cracked number 4 just yet.
Letting go of the guilt has allowed me to move forward. Some of that guilt wasn't guilt to start with but over time it became rewritten and twisted and became guilt. Some of it was, I fucked up, people do and they forgive themselves so I've learned to too. It's important to me though, that making a better life for myself means less fuck ups and less guilt. Not totally fuck up free but manageable, honest and forgivable.
Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-))))))))))