Day 362. Going forwards.

Yesterday I couldn't explain why I wasn't pleased with things going well work-wise. Well I've had a think about it and have come to a couple of conclusions.

Firstly, getting things done is what we're supposed to do isn't it? Coming home tired is the norm. Maybe I'm joining the World of the norm. That's not to say I'm not pleased, I am but it's nothing extra special. It's a start. There have been a few over the last 362 days. This one is different, it feels different. It feels solid.

I'm not sure what's driving this. I've been taking the VitB and St John's Wort for a while now. I wonder if that's lifted my general mood. That's what it's supposed to do but I'm never convinced pills work.

"The pursuit of happyness" had a big affect on me. After each knock the guy just kept getting up again. I suppose if you have nowhere to run and hide it's all you can do. It's what I've started to do.

I like the idea of being a "can do man" instead of "nice idea man"


Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~) 

Day 361. It's been a long day!

And it's not over yet. As I'm on call. I hope I don't get called out again tonight, as have another early start tomorrow.

I'm at a loss to convey to you, how I feel. I'm getting through things and have found some strength from somewhere but I'm not enjoying the pleasure of getting things right? maybe I'm just tired.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Days 359 and 360. time to catch up.

The blog has fallen behind a bit these last two weeks. So I'll make an effort to correct that next week.

Another up and down week but I'm noticeably more positive about things and tackling problems head on. I'm not out of the woods just yet. However I'm getting better at focusing on what's in front of me and not letting my mind wander off the subject. I find it easier to stick with work until it's done. I thought I'd get a real boost from this but I'm not that bothered about it. Which I find odd.

Today I have a couple of jobs to do and will then pick up daughter no2 take her home and cook tea for both of them. So it will be a nice end to a day.

Haven't seen MissG since last weekend. The midweek breakdown (van, not me) and the lack of cash has put pay to our Sunday day out. Next weekend I'm on call, so that's out as well. Living 50 odd miles apart can be abit of a pain sometimes. However it does mean I can focus on my work and put that on a steadier footing. It's also a bit of a test of the relationship. We're fine together but a lot falls between the cracks when it comes to phone calls and texts. I think we both feel the other isn't offering enough support.

So to conclude it's been an awful week with lots of positives haha

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 359. Everything done today.

Well another full day. Got everything done I wanted to do and managed to get the last bit of the rent together. It was a good feeling driving home. I'm working again tomorrow. Playing catch up as I'm behind on that one.

Just like yesterday that's about it from me. I'm off to bed.

Onwards and upwards in pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 358. A solid no nonsense day.

Well up early and off out to work on time. Had a word with the guy on the job and asked if he wanted me off it. He said no but I needed to get my finger out. So I stuck to it and will be back there Sunday morning for a few hours catch up.

Money seriously tight over the next few days so fingers crossed. There isn't much more to say really. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I don't let myself dwell on anything that isn't right in front of me at the moment. so maybe that's why I have few words to type?

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 357. So much for taking life by the balls!

Got up early and set off for work. Only to find the exhaust of my van dragging along the floor. So that put pay to my plans for the day. I've no money to pay for a replacement. So I've managed a makeshift repair. Which fingers crossed will last a week or two, until I can afford something more permanent. Last time the van went sick I hid in bed for 24 hours. This time I got straight on the case. So a big hand for yours truly but I could do without anymore tests. I've had enough of one step forward two back.

I had to cancel a couple of jobs and I think I may be kicked off a job tomorrow because of the amount of time I've wasted. I'm prioritising my work which will piss off a few but my previous poor planning has lead me here. So time to start getting things right.

I can finish off a few jobs over the next few days. It will help in a number of ways. Bring in much need cash and draw the line under a couple of jobs that are dragging on.

That's it for tonight. I'm feeling a bit flat. I shall try and take life by the balls tomorrow and see if I can make dreams and wishes come true.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 355. A time to take life by the balls.

I'm ten days away from a year of blogging. I don't want to spoil the party by talking about the year, until it's up. However I have a few days left to take the bull by the horns and start pushing forward. I've fallen back, I've rebuilt the defences. There were times (very few) when I thought things would be better without me. I'm still broke and susceptible to the odd bad day. However I think the time is right to strike out and make a fist of things...........

Onwards, upwards and in the pursuit of happyness :~)

Day 354. Quick update.

First post since Thursday. Friday was a busy day and I drove down to the coast in the evening. Got there around 10 and just went to bed as so tired. No Internet access so no posts possible till Sunday evening but again got back here late so straightened the place up. Had something to eat watched abit of TV then off to bed.

Last week was one of the best in a long while. I did a few long days and really felt like getting stuck in and getting things finished. I also felt really good as well, happy even.

Each week brings something new and gets me that bit closer to succeeding and living my dreams. This week I think it's going to be coping with change. As I said, I had a really good and happy week. Particularly the weekend. This morning I woke up and didn't feel that enthusiastic about the day ahead but I got up and went in and cracked on. My mood didn't really lift. Why? Well it's almost the end of the month and I need to get the rent in. I've got a couple moving into the flat Wednesday, so I need to move my stuff and the job I'm on is still a long way off of being finished. So it's not unreasonable to feel a little fed up. Trouble is I'm thinking "here comes the bad times again".

So this is where "Coping with change" comes in. I'm going to have to learn that one bad day doesn't mean my world is crumbling. A bad day is just a bad day.

My "Star of the Day" is Chris Gardener. I don't know much about this fella apart from the film "The pursuit of happyness" and the wiki thing. But if half of it is true about this man then I want to eat whatever he has for breakfast. The title of the film come from the words of Thomas Jefferson "  Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

http://www.chrisgardnermedia.com/about/bio

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Gardner

Onwards and upwards :~)

Day 350. Tired but happy!

My first post of the week and I'm happy to say this is not due to any return of my recent bout of apathy. I've managed to fill the week with a few long days. I'm still not working smart but I'm not unhappy with what's happening. Things seem to be turning a corner.

/

Days 345 and 346. Weekend review.

This week has been the first week for a while when I've missed days or I haven't had the time to write enough content. This isn't because I'm bored with it. On the contrary. The blog has been instrumental in putting me back on the road to a happier more fulfilled life.

It's been a busy week. Catching up after the van's illness and planning for my birthday this weekend.

It's funny how I seem to be being drip fed help and advice from an invisible source. As I get a little stronger a little wiser another problem or setback comes along. Then the funny thing happens and from out of nowhere the answer appears.

This week it was "will power" I realised I don't have it and went in search of the answer. Like all my previous web crawls the answer was simple. You start at the bottom and you set a simple task. Just so I got the message. When I turned on the TV, what film was playing but "The pursuit of happiness" It's based on the true story of Chris Gardner. Now if Will Power had legs and a mouth it would run up to you and say "Hi I'm Chris Gardner," Nothing stopped him or broke him.

I had a great birthday. Miss G made me breakfast. My daughters made me a cake and Mum turned up for tea. Later two old friends came round for supper (which I cooked) we drank wine and talked a lot. About the past and the future. It was a simple but really wonderful day.

Onwards and upwards :~)     

Day 344. Multi tasking.

Well if watching TV, drinking tea and typing today's blog qualifies. Then I'm multi tasking :-) . Missed yesterdays edition as got home late. I guess the more my life moves in the direction I'd like to go the less time I'll have to ponder on my thoughts. I hope that's a good thing.

Today went well. Got up, left the flat tidy got into work and was ready to work on time. The one thing I'm conscious of is my lack of will power. So did a little searching and found a few interesting articles. I'll add it to the "maybe of interest" section, in the bottom right of the blog.

The weekend will be interesting. I'm on call till Sunday evening. MissG is coming over Saturday evening and it's my birthday Sunday. Number one daughter is coming over on Sunday afternoon and a couple of friends will join us in the evening. So a full weekend.

Ok it's Friday night. So it's the "plus side of being depressed."  Our miserable outlook on life makes us perfect mourners for funerals. We'd be ideal fans for Wolverhampton Wanders (I'll think up a couple more later but need to get to bed).

Onwards and upwards :~)

 

Day 342. Run out of time!

Sorry but I ran out of time yesterday to add a comment on the days progress. It all went well and I'm chipping away at most things successfully. I'd like to make sure everything gets paid on time this month. I managed 90% of things last month and to get to 100% would be a turning point. I'd also like to clear all the little jobs out of the way this month as well.

I'm slipping on the earlier nights and a proper diet so need to refocus and redouble my efforts.

Onwards and upwards :~)

Day 341. A mixed bag.

Firstly it was a good day on most levels. Did the French and hot water first thing. Left the flat clean and tidy. Good day at work etc etc. One or two things didn't get done, which is probably no different from a million other people but nonetheless I will work on it.

I'm noticing that I am beginning to look forward to the future and making plans. So do I need to worry? Am I about to repeat the same mistakes as before or is this different. Well I don't have the answer so I'll need to ponder on it and get back to you.

It's Tuesday so weird stuff on eBay. I have to say I'm struggling on this one. If it was fetishes on eBay I'd be your man. Type in "my well worn" and you'll see what I mean. Anyway here's tonight choice.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/COLLECTION-ANATOMICAL-OLD-TEETH-CURIOSITY-CURIOS-/280640454142?pt=UK_Collectables_AnimalCollectables_SM&hash=item4157797dfe

Seven sets of old teeth!

Onwards and upwards :~)

Day 340. Maps and mountains..

The van is fixed and I'm feeling very smug. No mechanics bills and a new bit of knowledge acquired. I shall temper my smugness because in truth I could of fixed it quicker. What I will carry forward is the knowledge that I can take on a problem and get a positive result from it. I'm tempted to write the things I do well or in the face of adversity and read them out to myself every morning.
Why mountains and maps? Well I had a bad couple of days last week and feel I went backwards. It occurred to me that when people climb mountains it isn't always straight up. They go across the mountain to find better routes and sometimes come down when a route proves too tough. When you're planning a trip, you may well pick a longer route because it's easier or quicker. So "maps and mountains" will be what springs to mind when things are a little tough going.

It's Monday so it's "Star of the Day". Seeing as I mentioned Mountains earlier, my choice today is Sherpa Tenzing. The man who accompanied Edmund Hilary on their assent of Mount Everest way back in 1953. I remember as a child being told of the man that conquered Everest, Edmund Hilary. I must of been 7 or 8 and it struck me then, that if Tenzing got there with him it was a joint effort. They both deserved the praise. I think it would of been the first time I became aware that it was your ability and not your privileges that counted. Trouble is as I get older I get more cynical I wonder. "is that's true."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tenzing_Norgay
Onwards and upwards :~)

Days 338 and 339. The weekend review

Well a full week of emotions. Both good and bad. What have I learned this week. Well I don't take bad news well (still) but once the tears have dried and the dust settled I get on with it.

I'm starting to say how it is and not what people want to hear. Which is lifting the pressure off of me. Pressure I might add I put on myself.

I'm starting to put the necessary blocks in place for the future. I'm pretty broke but I moved £20 into my savings account. I haven't saved anything for years and will try and add £10 a week. It's not much but it's a start and a move in the right direction.

Onwards and upwards :~)

Day 337. A very full day.

It was a busy day yesterday. I feel asleep on the sofa when I got home. So hence I'm a day late with the posting.
Van still broken and once I've finished this I'm out to see if I can fix it. So off to work on the bike. Some fifteen hours after getting home I still feel a bit sore. The words "made in China" are probably imprinted on my bum .
I apologized to the guy at work who's organizing the job. He's a big old bruiser, so I was expecting a bit of a tongue lashing but he said don't worry about it. Which was a nice surprise and helped the day roll on.
 I was last out of the building. So had to turn everything off. It was strange as the place is full of builders shouting up or down the stairs and the guy whose controlling the job is usually balling some one out but with everyone gone the only noise was the several radio's dotted around the place. So I could hear all kinds of music and chat around the house and as I pulled the plugs one by one it became quieter and quieter until the place was silent.

OK Friday night is "The plus side of being Depressed". Do any of you remember those slogans found on cards and little girls nighties "Love is never having to say sorry" and stuff like that?

Well I think it's time we had our own range of slogans on T Shirts (feel free to email me with your suggestions)

"BEING DEPRESSED MEANS NEVER HAVE TO SAY MY FACE HURTS FROM LAUGHING"

Onwards and upwards :~)

Day 336. Back on track.

So I'm back in the saddle. Back at work, phoned the guy organizing the job and apologized for not turning up. I think I know why I'm doing it (or not doing it) but I need a little time to be able to put it into words.

Looked up apathy last night and found this;
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Find-Peace-During-Overwhelming-Stress-Or-Depression&id=461007
Which lead to
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
Which I haven't finished reading through or fully understand but there seems alot of interesting stuff there. Especially "living in the moment" which I have a problem with.

Isn't the web brilliant all this stuff waiting for you to find. It's like buried treasure!

Onwards and upwards :~)

Day 335. Still failing but not a failure. Part 2.

Today was another apathy day. Another day spent on the sofa. Another wasted day. So what to do? I can feel guilty about it, which will take up time or I can sign it off as, a bad day and move on.

 I'm 52 I've lived through 18980 plus days so far they weren't all bad. In fact I'd say most were good and very few were bad. Did I dwell on the good days? No, so it's a waste to dwell on the bad ones. Is that what makes me a "depressive" dwelling on the bad and not focusing on the good. The bad just reinforces the low self opinion I have of myself. I'd like to concentrate on the successes and there have been many but there's a blockage. I don't feel worthy enough to pat myself on the back for the successes.

 I've always considered that the things I can do can be done by everyone and with a little application I can learn what others can do too. This is probably a bad basis to build a life on. If I cannot appreciate that I have skills that will impress others and I fail to appreciate the skills of others, however humble. Then I'm a rudderless boat. Just going where the wind blows me.

 I've almost reached the 28th day of the lemon and French thing. So it's almost an official habit. I'm going to add some affirmation time to that now in an effort to bring things back round to the gains I thought I was making.

Tonight is "Stuff on the web" I've been looking for weird and strange things. Which I thought would be simple but it isn't. So bear with me while I get in the groove.
http://orgs.man.ac.uk/services/dr-fun/Dr-Fun/df9312/df931231.jpg

Onwards and upwards :~)

Day 334. Still failing but not a failure.

I had another bad day. Fueled by my poor old van breaking down last night. I could of got up and got it sorted instead I gave into apathy. Another wasted day, more pressure added. I have no answers. I know these attacks of apathy are causing me most of my problems at the moment. Is there something that triggers the apathy. Do I know what it is? If I do maybe it needs a bit more time to rise to the surface. Maybe I need to be a bit more secure before I face up to it. I think being in a low state at present isn't the best time to face something I could of been avoiding for years. In the short term I need to do all the things I have been, early nights, keeping the flat straight and leaving on time and build from there.

As I said in the title. I failed today but I'm not a failure.

Not to end on a downer. Welcome to my new Tuesday closer "Weird things on eBay." The contents of someones desk draw?
  http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=110574660991&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT

Tomorrow is "Stuff on the web." Onwards and Upwards :~)