Several things I do like

   Jelly babies, donuts, cooking, flirting and detective novels. A smile. Laughter Well that's about it. Nah just teasing there's a whole lot more.

   I like politeness, it's free. Straight talking. Sunbeams poking through the clouds. Eccentric dresser's. The WWW (will there ever be a way to calculate how useful it's been). Hats. Cats and dogs. Cheese on crackers. Clever people. The help I've recieved from others.  Generally and particularly over the last couple of years (thank you) and self help.
   Now self help has never been on the list either in print or thought. So it makes it's first outing today. I'm not blowing my own trumpet here. This blogs for me, first and foremost. My willingness to say it publicly is a huge step for me.
   I wouldn't think twice if Meryl Streep said she knew she was a good actress or Bob Dylan saying he wasn't bad at stringing a few words together to a tune (although he'd be pushing it if he said he had a good voice) but I've always had a problem with admitting good things publicly. I'm not alone in this. Lets be honest, most of us just accept the things we're good at. Without a thought, as to the effort we may have put in over the years acquiring that skill and because we find it a bit grating if someone keeps on telling us how wonderful they are. We tend to keep our own skills and successes quite.

   And there's the paradox. Here we all are telling each other about our fight against the blues. Which will end in triumph or a defeat of sorts. Hopefully the former but we dismiss the little wins along that journey. With things like "feel much better today" "finally got that done". No mention of the effort you or I have been putting in to achieving that. Well just stop a minute and recognize what you do, do. Revel in that for a moment. Celebrate a la Usain Bolt in the safety of your room. Job done, another stone to step up on to look down at your foe.

   And finally do you think the old bird in the picture has got a really small head or are they just really big glasses?    

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)

Several things I don't like.

   There are several things I'm not keen on. Jellied ells and chocolate liqueurs spring to mind. Fat on the edge of my bacon or any piece of meat for that matter also goes on my mental errrr list. The words "ponder", sounds like you are going to sit on whatever you're pondering and take an age to deal with it and "green with envy", more to do with the person who used to say it repeatedly, and not so much the words but unfortunately the damage is done there too.These are however minor things and easy for me to avoid.
   What of the dislikes that are not? Other peoples pain for instance. Some of my reading matter says, to try and avoid the negative as it can bring you down and you should align yourself to the positive. This makes sound sense but what of those around me and their pain. Am I to abandon them to preserve my own delicate well being? I cannot. If my moods are destined to stay, as I cannot leave my poorly friends, then so be it. If you were all to cheer up, mind. Maybe we could shift forward a little ?
   One thing I remember from way back is, "don't say. Do!".  I'll do that tomorrow, I'll ring him this afternoon. It never happens. Now I can't say I don't do it but I do try and avoid it. As I know to my cost that there are more  do's in my baggage than dones. So I'm giving a very wide birth around the DO word at the moment. However I can report the staying focused and being devoid of any running thoughts is progressing nicely. If I slip and find myself thinking then my penance is an immediate 20 push-ups. If my mind continues to wander by the summer (and feeling that I might like to start dating again). I should have a fine pair of biceps and a good shoulder line to fill out a tee shirt :-)
Bugger I'm thinking again .......

   Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfilment and happyness :-)
      

That doesn't work, this might.

     As I make headway through the paper mountain. It's becoming apparent that certain little devices to keep me focused and on the straight and narrow just don't work.
     The obvious one, "guilt" certainly doesn't but it is often the choice of those in command from Dictators through parents, teachers, cops (well it comes with the job for them) and the little monster that lives in your head.
     The clever sound bites of  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Socrates and Churchill etc whilst good reading only stay with me as long as a Chinese meal. My own well thought out, inspiring quote "you stupid lazy b@rst@rd" seems to cover most eventualities and please don't fret about it's negative overtones. Some of us need encouragement and some a smack over the head with a flat stick. I line up in the latter group.
     "To do" lists. I so wish these would work for me but alas they don't. Or at least in their present form they don't.
     BBC Radio 4 and it's sister Radio4extra keeps me company, as I busy myself unblocking yet another toilet or change a set of taps. Fails too, I'm afraid. It's not the quality of programming that lets them down. It's the exact opposite, something interesting is happening and I'm drawn to the little shiny box rather like an ancient mariner to a sea siren.
     As I'm further away from work since my move. I've taken to listening to music on my ipod, as I drive in and certain tunes do lift me so I think I'm going to have to create a couple of play lists. To get me on track haha.
     The one thing that does work is, not thinking. If I switch off and just "do". Things get done. Problem sorted then, umm! not really. You see I love thinking. I could, well actually I do, think for England. When the nation sleeps I'm there thinking away. During those dark hours no illegal foreign thoughts will slip across our shores unnoticed. They will all have to pass through me.
     So what to do? I mentioned before, my goggle searches have taken me to some strange and wonderful places recently. It's been the cyber equivalent of finding unknown tribes of headhunters in the deepest jungles or a pirates long lost treasure trove. So I jovially typed in "how to stop thinking too much" expecting a search engines version of a dead end. Oh no, Google found 207,000,000 results for me in .28 seconds (don't we all hate a show off ?) well half a dozen would have been enough really, given the subject matter!
    As I discard unwanted bits of paper I shall add guilt, inspirational quotes and the radio to the pile. I'll hang on to "to do" lists for the moment and dance on unthinking into my day with Florence and the Machines "the dog days are over" playing in the back ground.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of fulfillment and happyness :-)))
   
     

Other ephemera.

   Today was my, try out your "self control" day. I've got stuck into my paperwork. Which is in a mess and way behind. It's so behind my bank statement are on parchment and my petrol receipts don't look like mortgage repayments. I'm easily swayed from what I should be doing ( I didn't have a teacher like Aims, to keep me focused) and as I was going through all the receipts and other ephemera I came across some birthday cards from my daughters and MissG. I have to say it wasn't the most productive twenty minutes of my day. Which is when "self control's" mate "fortitude" was called in to carry me forward and away from the temptation of melancholy.
   I do hope that my two new associates SC and Forty, have done their homework, have read their job descriptions and hit the floor running. I very much want a productive period. It's long overdue and will keep me away from wistful thoughts of what may have been.
   I have no doubts for the future. It will be full and predominantly happy (thank you in advance, Forty) the Sun will rise in the east and Fulham will continue to surprise me as little else can.
   It has been a good day. I go to sleep knowing a little more that I did and happier than I was. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. To the challenge of being a bit better than I was today.

   Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-) 

My day as told by Dr Suess :-)

The sun did not shine and the wind it did blow
As they came out to play on that cold cold cold day.
We did nothing at all in the first 45.
This is not fun, this is not fun at all, we all cried.
Then a goal, it was scored. But not scored by us.
The crowd and I did not know what to say.
On that cold, cold, cold grey, grey day.
Then Murphy got one and Dempsey got two.
Zamora one more that made it four.
They got one goal back it made it 4-2
And that is not all, not all at all all
Clint Dempsey popped up and made it 5-2.
I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny.
But we have had good fun and fun that is funny.
So we went to the pub and brought beer with our money
And we danced and we sang  and we danced and we sang
Till the man in the hat said no no. No more make those men go away.

Fulham 5 - 2  Newcastle

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Things that make you go "Oooooooh"

   The obvious one is babies. I was am fascinated by their little hands and fingers and how hard they grip. Aside from babies what else makes me go "Oooooh". Jaguar cars and athletes who leap from the ice land perfectly and score perfect 10's or race across court to a ball we all know they won't reach but they do and then they have the brilliant cheek to lob it over their stranded opponents head. Also words, the ones you could just keep saying all day because they make your mouth do funny things or they just so sound like, what they mean.

   So cars and sports, very "bloke" things and words!

   For one reason or another I've reached the bottom of a cycle again and want to try something different this time, to break it. Usually I'd spill my guts out to those poor sods closest to me. Which, like Chinese food is very filling until you're on the pavement outside of the restaurant. So I'm thinking of saving them the grief this time. If only they knew they'ed be so happy lol.
   This is where words come into play. I love the word "Stoicism" (indifference to pleasure or pain, impassiveness). The word has had a bit of a make over and it's original meaning has changed a little. The original "Soics" believed that destructive emotions resulted from errors in judgement and the development of self-control and fortitude could be used as a means of overcoming these destructive emotions. Are you with me and nodding in agreement so far? well lets go on.
   Being a bloke, being a real Man! what qualities are required for that particular job. In no particular order strength, inner strength, decisiveness, compassion and humour. Isn't that what we all want from someone when the going gets tough? isn't that my role?
   From where I'm standing both of the above seem a good fit. No doubt my destructive emotions have lead me here and a bit of fortitude has kept me floating up to now. This will be post number 298 and most of them had at the top of the page "What would Chris Gardner do". Well he would, did just suck it up and get on with it. Now I'm not the man Chris Gardner is but maybe it's time to see what kind of a man I can actually be! So I'll dig down deep for more fortitude and develop some self control over time.

   Still no bloody laughs I'm afraid but it's a much better page than the usual stuff.

   Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Clear skies.

   My little room is on the second floor. Overlooking tree tops and a wide expanse of sky. This morning as I peeped out from under the duvet  the sky was a clean and clear blue. A good day to start a journey or maybe complete one that didn't start in such a bright and fresh way.

   What to pack for that journey? It may be easier and make more sense to decide what to leave behind :-)

   Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

  

My weekend.

  On Saturday I went over to Canary Wharf to see the Ice Sculptures with MissG (as friends) I think you'll agree I didn't do bad for a first attempt.
  From there we went to Borough Market by London Bridge. It's been a traditional fruit and veg market for hundreds of years. Now it's a bit of a Foodie Gourmets heaven. I'd like to go back to the market, as we didn't see as much as there was on offer.
  We said our goodbyes and as per normal this lead to a flurry of texts. Why she can't say how she feels when she's in my company I'll never know. It's frustrating but more importantly upsetting for me but I think we've got to the end. Well I finally have.
  Yesterday along with a friend I went to see "The Artist" a silent film in black and white. How they managed to raise the money for that I'll never know but it's absolutely brilliant.
  The rumblings I mentioned on my last post continue, the MissG thing has kind of added to and aggravated it. The blogs almost two years old now. I've been separated almost two years too. So is it just a case of me coming out of the adjusting/grieving/finding myself period? Its feels like that. It would make a huge difference to my well being to know these two years have been an adjustment and my blues are just those of any normal person going through difficult times financially and emotionally. I have to say at this point that I got myself here. All the financial mess. The heartbreak (although it's good to know the heart works and I'll try to bump into someone that treats it a little better) so don't feel sorry for me.
   I'm really sorry there's a real lack of laughs. I shall make a concerted attempt to step off the path and find the daft and ludicrous in future posts.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Following on from following on from yesterday.

    I really should pay more attention to reading what my fellow bloggers write. I was told as a child that God gave you two ears and one mouth, because he wants you listen to twice as much as you speak. I guess I'm still missing the point seeing as he provided me with two eyes and one typing finger.
    I caught up with "Musings of a counselor"   http://counselormusings.blogspot.com/  (Dec 20th and Jan 1st) kind of fit in with what I'm currently thinking and writing about. So has been very helpful in shaping those thoughts, or should it be faults :-)
    Also Monique S has another blog   http://youngandpennywise.blogspot.com/   which is really upbeat and interesting. Both these blogs I found through other blogs I read, so thanks Jo and Aim's.
    So I've finished my working week. I didn't finish what I hoped partially due to not getting to the job on time a couple of mornings and the client has changed things so another day (a bigger cheque) has been added. I do feel a bit low but I'm trying to adjust those feelings. It's not a failure it's a delay or nuisance and I must see it in this way. "Musings" post has switched me on to looking past a failure and finding out where things started to unravel. I'm also feeling a bit volcanic, there are a number of things, mostly paperwork related that I have been putting off and now there are rumblings within to tackle these. I'm viewing all of this in a positive way. I need to kick on and tackle them in a positive way. Interesting times.     

 
Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Following on from yesterday.

  It's an important week for me. I have a full week of work and a good cheque at the end if I complete everything. So focusing on work this week is essential but seriously difficult for me. I find it all too easy to get side tracked.

  Which is why today's post is linked to yesterdays. Seeing yesterdays dancers from a different view point and realizing the obvious has made me think a little (a dangerous pursuit). 

  I've also done a couple of the questionnaires on the "Authentic Happiness" site. The results have been a little surprising. Things I thought I was  strong on I appear not to be and weaknesses are apparently the opposite!
  I need to see if I can gain a different view point of me! After a bit of a surf, hey presto, I found some interesting stuff. One guy had written a couple of hundred words on how he'ed found a way out of it. Then added a month later that it didn't work. I did laugh but fair play to him, he could have deleted it or just left it as it was and we'ed be none the wiser. Then I found this.

  "and if this is everything to me, then why the hell haven't I been doing more?" There is a perfectly good reason to avoid the thing that means everything to you - In fact, avoidance of the thing which has meaning and power for you is the most understandable and normal thing I can think of - You're avoiding the thing that's holding all your dreams? Good grief ! Of course you are ! That symbolic weight ? it's that much potential for hurt and disappointment. 

  BAMMMMM that got me. Pretty simple really and written by a nice 20 something with electric blue hair. Sometimes it's good to know why you do or don't do something and not what cures it. If I apply the above statement to a number of events over the last ten years it fits perfectly. Don't you just hate smart arsed 20 year old's. Still her hair is seriously dodgy so there is a God.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)


   

Levels.

  Late this morning I set off for my date with a mate at the Tango. The mate happened to be the customer who whisked me to Brighton (Spanner goes to the Seaside 23rd Dec) I'm not sure of her motives but I'm rather keen on getting out at the moment so I don't care however if it puts your mind at rest, I'm a good girl who doesn't stay out late and won't be taken advantage of. Now lets get back to the story.

  I packed a book and iPod for the train journey and as the train pulled out of the station I had the iPod on and fired up and my book open at the right page. If only I'd remembered to get on the train it would of been the perfect start. I managed to get to the meeting point ahead of customer/mate. She arrived a few minutes later, maybe she forgot to get on two trains? We stopped for a coffee, which I think is now law. You cannot leave a station without a cardboard cup of froth in your hand.

  Once inside the SouthBank we found the venue and a couple of free seats, then a couple more, then a couple more and finally a couple more. If you're female and you read my blog. Can you please tell me what the chair hopping thing is all about? Because I can guarantee to anybody out there who cares to listen, that the first words your female guest will utter to you when the show gets under way is,

  "We should of stayed in those ones over there." 

  We ? like I had a choice !!!!!!!
  So as the band tune up, this very nice couple invite the masses down to the lower area of the foyer to learn the Tango basics. Within minutes there's at least a hundred and fifty people moving backwards four steps then one to the side. A mixture of people who can and people who can't all roughly going the same way. This was followed by a demonstration from a professional couple. Which I have to say was breathtaking.
  Customer/mate and I sneaked off to get something to eat then a short walk along the river up to the Globe Theatre and back.
  Once inside and again having done the mating chair dance thing and found almost the right place to sit. We watch the club dancers go through their paces. Now this is where it gets interesting for me. Customer/mate and I are on a slightly higher level than the dancers so we are looking down on them. As they glide by I notice that although they have the moves right, their faces are expressionless. All the effort has robbed them of the enjoyment of it. It's a bit like my life, trying to be better but not enjoying the journey. Which I must endeavour to do. Otherwise I'll arrive and it will be too late to enjoy it. Now I've mentioned living in the moment before but to see hundreds of people doing something they love but not loving it, just brought it home to me. So if you were travelling north on the Piccadilly line at around five o'clock and sat next to a middle aged man with a manic smile then we've met and I apologize if I scared your kids.

PS someone asked if that was a picture of Customer/mate and me. Sadly I have to say it isn't, I don't look that good in a dress.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

My Friday !

  Well I was back at Carmen Miranda's today. Even though she is sooooo old she flirts outrageously. God better keep his knees locked together when she pops her clogs, otherwise there'll be trouble. I told her I'm going to a Tango thing at the Southbank on Sunday and did they dance the Tango back in Col-lum-bee-ia?
"Hoe yesssss, day luv da Tango in Col-lum-bee-ia. It is I walking class dance, not for nice lay dees. It is very sexy dance."
  I do enjoy her company. She has good coffee but awful biscuits.
"I sooo sorry abbout der biscuits. My girls say, mummy don't buy nice biscuits cos we eat them and get fat. So I don't."
  From there a quick call in to a new customer in North London. No cold water in the bathroom. As it was a flat, the water tanks are on the roof. So through the hatch I went. five floors up and no barriers just a straight drop down to the street. Wonderful views though. As I suspected the ball valve was stuck, so once I'd moved it everything was fine. Carefully lowered myself back through the hatch and rejoined client who had made tea and had a little box of chocolate kit-kats as a reward ( please take note Carmen!). Turns out she makes bespoke furniture costing thousands. So the next twenty minutes was taken up with moans about difficult clients and headaches about what to charge. Then a look at pictures of her work and another kit-kat before we said our goodbyes and I headed further North in my rusting chariot.
  Overal it's been a good week. NASA have yet to reply to my email but I guess they have enough of their own gormless plumbers to deal with.

  Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happy :-)

Normal service will be resumed.

  I'm sorry you've had to endure my whining on about my tortured love life, these last two or three post. :-)
I shall now return to the irrelevant and all things stupid ..............
  I pointed you in the direction of the "Authentic Happiness" site the other day and I've been having a look myself and found an article about persistence. Now while I'm persistent in some areas of my life I'm not when it comes to work. So I thought time to do some reading. One thing that caught my eye was the following.
  "Begin using a time management aid of some sort (a palm pilot, a daily planner, etc). Find a system that works and actually use it."
   I've tried planners and pads to make notes on and they haven't been that successful. Now I need to think big. I want something that's got a pretty good record in time management and won't let me down. 
  So I'm going to email N.A.S.A. they're a little quiet at the moment, they have huge resources and they managed to get Tom Hanks back from the Moon. So getting a piss poor London Plumber back on his feet should be easy peasy to the ladies and gentlemen at Houston. 
  Can you imagine. You hear that loud bleep and a crew cut from across the pond says,

" OK Spanner time to connect the er waste pipe zzzz (static noise) zzzzzzz to the wall outlet. Copy."
" Yeah copy that Whoston. I'm just finishing me tea, be right with you."
" Right, err we have a critical time factor interface hear Spanner, so it you coul....."
"OK mate, I'm all yours."
  Wouldn't that be brilliant. They could also help with my website too.

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Things you have no control over, part 2.

Well the texts stopped but were replaced with emails and the one thing I've wanted for a long time, to have a shared and equal conversation happened. It became apparent as we chatted that although we both want the same thing (a loving supportive relationship) neither of us can for a variety of reasons give that to each other at the moment or for the foreseeable future. In the past my relationships have ended because one or other party  has had enough of the other and not because you can't love or be loved enough! Still as painful mind.

So I didn't get my way about no texts. I did get my way about sharing deep thoughts. I didn't get what I thought I wanted. I did get closure. I learned loads today. It was like being in an episode of the Waltons. I just didn't get the group hug towards the end and the chance to say goodnight to Gran-ma

Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Things you have no control of.

  Like MissG. If you read my last post, you'll remember she agreed to stop texting. Unless there was a life, death or plumbing emergency (which I'm lead to believe is almost the same thing). Well she managed to go fifteen hours. She texted me about a new book she's found on her Kindle "Authentic Happiness" by Seligman, here's a link   http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx It's an interesting site.
 So this time I rang her back and explained again why I needed the texting to stop and once again she said she missed my company and talking to me. Well I miss her company too but I'm not ready yet to move on to just a friendship. I am aware though that I'm 50 percent of this ex relationship and to be fair to someone I care about, I guess I have to allow her to work it through her way too but I would prefer the texts stopped and then I'd know it's finished.
  While on the subject of things you have no control of. I went to watch Fulham play Arsenal yesterday. Seeing as we were beaten 5 nil the last time I went it didn't look promising but that's part of the joy/pain thing with supporting Fulham. Well they won, scoring the winning goal in the last minute. Now while I know most of you rank sport next to going to the dentist. The whole thing of not giving in and fighting on, is pretty inspiring.
  There's plenty of the day left for me to go and do something useful and positive. Smile maniacally at complete strangers springs to mind and should throw up some more content for another post! Until then.

Onwards and upwards in pursuit of happyness :-)

Positive ends!

  So January 1st is almost over and Adele is on the BBC singing "make you feel my love," while I type. I didn't realise it was a  Bob Dylan song and it sets the tone for today's post.
  MissG's been texting me, over Christmas. Simple stuff, wishing me a Happy Christmas, what am I up to etc etc. It's left me confused though. she ended the relationship and I'm still getting over it, so each time the phone bleeps I'm checking who it is and either feeling some joy or some disappointment. I thought about what to do, ask her why see feels the need to keep sending texts or to bluntly say stop. I decided to let the holidays pass before doing anything.
   So another text arrived this afternoon and this time I asked her why she continued to send them. It's obvious she still feels something but it's not the same depth as my feelings for her. After several messages backwards and forwards (is that anyway to conduct a relationship anyway)  where she says she misses my company and is confused she's agreed to stop. I need the silence and I think it will be good for her too. I've moved on enough to know it was a really wonderful time. falling in love with someone and being really close was a fantastic experience and with a bit of time will only be remembered for that and not the angst that has followed. That, with time, will fade away to dust.  So a positive end of sorts.
  Today also saw me cooking, chicken breast with chorizo sausage and bubble and squeak cakes (potato and any vegetable leftovers, in this case parsnip, carrot, brussel sprouts and some onion). I've done this before but this was the best so far.
  Finally I did "man tidying" it's like normal tidying but the place still looks a mess afterwards. I've moved things around in my little space. So now the laptops easier to get to, I've found a new book to read "Starting over" by Tony Parsons and red left sock has been reunited with red right sock. So a happy ending to my day
 

  Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)

Antny26's version of "make you feel my love" is the best I've found. Adele has a wonderful voice but you can feel this guys pain.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOCTlB4IZ40&list=UU_zbZnoTb5MxDtrArIDSvAw&index=9&feature=plcp