Friday, 2 December 2011
Loose ends and other bits.
I'll start with the odd bits. What do you do with all the tiny things that happen in and around your life that kind of effect you or hit home but they're too small to mention to anybody else. Watching a tiny kid trying to eat an ice cream, people wearing coats on really hot days, catching part of some strangers conversation and so wishing you could hear the end of it. these are the kind of things that make me smile inside. There is one I'm beginning to miss though. When I lived in the flat and went into the garden to hang washing or put some rubbish out or feed the compost bin. A little Robin would arrive from nowhere and keep me company. He/she would perch on the fence or in the branches of the nearest shrub and look at me. You know twist it's little head to one side or other and just hang around while I was there. After a couple of weeks I tried leaving scraps for it but it was never remotely interested. It appeared to just want my company for a few minutes. Soon I craved it's company and would hang around a bit, if it didn't show straight away.
When I moved away. I said goodbye to the couple of neighbours I'd got to know, Polish Pat who has no English and I no Polish but we did a lot of friendly nodding and waving as he cycled to and from work. Jane the West Indian lady who lived upstairs, who I could hear singing hymns at all hours of the day and night. Mad Micheal next door who stands outside and stares at you until you say something. Then he'd rush indoors muttering and bangs on your wall for a minute or two and finally Burmese Peter. Who would spend a couple of hours a day either picking up rubbish or sweeping the leaves in our part of the street. He used to invite me in, his wife would cook something and he'd keep me topped up on beer as we talked about anything (usually the demise of the British Empire was a favourite of his) for a few hours. Then I'd stagger back across the road. Manage to get the key in the door, just before things got too blurry and I'd wake up several hours later on the sofa. Only the Robin I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to. I do feel a little bad about that and miss it.
Onto loose ends. Beating yourself up, is a common theme amongst blogs like and including mine. I have to say, I think it's a waste of good thinking time and the negatives it throws up, don't really help. The further along this interesting journey I go the more I try and use that time to look for the positives. I've tried several ways of improving things things with mixed results. However within that list of things lay the answers and I just need to work on these for as long as it takes. Repetition in general is the backbone. I'm more than happy to do the things I like again and again. As with everything it's the things we avoid doing which could actually lead to a greater happiness and feelings of achievement.
I used to have trouble getting off to sleep. As negative thoughts would creep in and keep me awake. The simple act of physically turning over, to act as a kind of full stop on those thoughts, works for me. Originally there was a lot of turning but now it's down to one maybe two turns and then I'm away with the fairies. I used to put out my breakfast bits before I went to bed but with the move that's not happened recently. So tonight I'll make sure I do that. In fact, before I redouble my efforts with all things meant to improve life (and don't get me wrong, there are lots of things that I've stuck with) I might just concentrate on the physical stuff first and build on that.
As I drove to work yesterday I wondered if this constant failure was as much a part of my life as are my eyes green. Was I fated to go though life from one disappointment to the next. Fortunatley that thought didn't take up too much time. I don't dwell in self pity for long. Which is a positive and that got me thinking about all the positives within me. Imagine you have a number of glass jars. Each labelled, say "humour" "hope" "self worth" "riches" etc. How full would your jars be? My "belief" and "hope" jars are full. My "self worth" jar has been topped up recently, even with the "am I a failure moment." Other jars need some serious filling though. On balance, gathered evidence would suggest it's well worth sticking to the currant programme.
Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happyness :-)